Rarely do I have: "Oh crap, my nail!" girly moments. And if I do, they only happen when particularly impressive or painful. This morning falls slightly in both categories. My pregnancy nails are apparently strong enough that when one is bent back too far it will not break or tear or do anything to preserve my finger. It will just bend and then make a lovely and vaguely sore bruise-y thing under my nail. My only regret is that I have a red shirt on today and I just don't think the purple bruise matches it well.
Its raining today! I adore the rain and lightening and thunder and storminess. It is like a balm to my soul. And its funny, it seems like the girls respond to it as well. When ever it rains, they seem slightly more active but in that pleasant sort of way that just feels neat. I realize that it's probably their response to the increase in happy serotonin hormones that the rain provokes in me, but I choose to think that they love the rain like their momma.
At about 14 or so weeks, my doctor started asking me if I had felt them move yet. I will admit, I kind of obsessed about it for a while trying to make sure that I wasn't missing them moving by mistaking it for various gastrointestinal events. I asked people what it felt like and looked it up. The most common answers were little wings like birds, butterflies in you belly, or bubbles bursting. Those are lovely, poetic answers that invoke happy rainbow mommy bonding feelings. But I have to say that feeling our daughters move inside me feels like....something moving inside me. Sorry to sound so blunt and maybe I have just been a science fiction fan for too long but it just feels like something moving. It is so unlike any other sensation I have ever experienced that it renders all other comparisons useless. It is vaguely alien perhaps, both in the sense of it being completely different and feeling like there is an alien nesting in my abdomen. At 22 weeks, I look more pregnant with each passing day and I am really looking forward to moving completely past that whole "is she pregnant or just rocking the beer gut" stage.
I do adore feeling them move. Especially first thing in the morning when I lay on my back for just a few minutes. After all night of being on one side or the other, they seem to protest this the most and I get an adorable baby head or bottom pressed against my belly button. That is another sensation altogether. I mean, messing with your belly button from the outside feels weird enough, and it feels almost the same when being messed with from the inside but with that surreal backwards feeling. It makes me giggle every time.
At our last ultrasound, they were complete wiggle worms. Aislynn moved around a bit during her pictures and measurements but then when they moved to Norah, Aislynn decided that would be a good time to show off her legs and kick her sister in the head through their membrane separating them. It was too funny. And Norah decided after being good during Aislynn's pictures, that she didn't feel like her photo opp that day and did everything she could to protest it. At one point even pressing her arm/hand up against where the US probe was pressing down on my belly. Lemme tell ya, that hurt! But we couldn't help but laugh at our contrary children.
We did get a small bit of really good news. At our Barnes appointment, the doctor warned us that Aislynn may not be able to swallow any of the amniotic fluid which could lead to increases in fluid pressure and could cause me to go into preterm labor. But our brave girl found a way. We saw her swallow and her tongue move and she even got the hiccups. She is doing everything she can to protect her sister and make sure that Norah has all the time she needs to grow and develop to be born safely. Aislynn is growing at the same rate as her sister, reassuring us that she is tough and will be our little superhero and stay with us for as long as she can.
We are doing well with our girls and our new reality. I think we are, at least. Progress on the room for Norah has slowed but not completely stopped. We are determined to get it ready and painted and a new door and ceiling fan fairly soon. The baby stuff will probably wait until after my baby shower. I am still just not ready to pick out baby stuff for one daughter when I can feel both of my precious girls. And the fear that we will not get to bring anyone home still plagues me often enough that I just can't bring myself to get baby stuff. I don't think I could handle having a bunch of baby stuff in our home and then lose them both. This is a process, this weird kind of grief/joy/heartache/celebration, and we are doing what we can to take each step each day. Jay is an amazing dad already. Not that I had any doubt of that, but to see it in action is kind of breath-taking. Its hard to describe how he does this already but I guess its just in the way he talks to them both and rubs my belly. The look on his face when I had him hurry over to feel that head/bottom pressing against my belly button is something I will never ever forget.
So that's us for now. Bye!
Monday, August 13, 2012
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Our new reality
I guess everyone has that moment where they feel like a parent. Not those moments where you realize that you are having a baby, but that moment where your heart fills with an entirely new kind of fierce love and determination and it hits you suddenly that is what being a mom or dad feels like. Jay and I have experienced this moment in one of the most painful ways anyone can.
On July 11 we had an appointment with our high-risk OB in Cape Girardeau. And he found a problem with one of our beautiful babies. One of our babies is perfectly fine, looks healthy and growing fine. Our other beautiful child has Anencephaly. This means that when the place where the spinal cord grows was closing, it didn't close properly at the top and the brain and skull were not able to develop. This means that while our beautiful baby will grow and move and live while inside me, the baby can't survive outside of the womb. We will bury one of our children soon after they are born. We will raise one child, not two. We will treasure one child here with us and treasure the memory of the other.
This is by far the most painful thing I have ever experienced. The emotion I felt when the doctor said something was wrong and told us what it was was pure horror. There is no other word for it. we ranted about it not being fair. And it's not. It's not fair to buy a crib and a casket. It's not fair to say goodbye so soon to this beautiful dream we had been having visions of. Don't mistake me, we are unbelievably thankful for our healthy baby. But that joy had a hard time competing with the idea of burying our other child.
Then we took a deep breath. And the car ride from Cape was silent for a bit. Then we started talking about telling our other child how they were protected from the very, very start by their very own superhero whom God called home when the job was done. We talked about our deep need to still enjoy being pregnant and becoming parents. We talked about our love for our children and our desire that they both know that even now. How we need our Heaven-bound baby to know beyond any shadow of a doubt that they were loved and treasured and that the little life was celebrated completely and with abandon. And we promised each other that we would do this together, not letting grief or pain separate us.
And we decided we had to embrace the joy that we felt when we first saw that positive pregnancy test. We had to start this new journey as we meant to go on: in joy and celebration. They are our children, both of them. They are our twins and we will enjoy that. We will laugh and marvel at my changing shape and not let the pain dampen our wonder. We will work to enjoy buying baby stuff even if it is for one baby. We have joked that we are only buying baby gear for one because God already has everything ready for our Heaven-bound baby. We decided that I get to enjoy my baby shower; that I don't have to be subdued for that because our children deserve to be celebrated. We are their parents and no matter what, no matter how this hurts, we will be strong enough to celebrate both of their lives and love them with a fierceness that we had not previously known was within us.
At our next doctor's visit, we went to Barnes in St. Louis because those guys have more experience with this type of thing. And there we found out that our Heaven-bound baby will most likely make it to full-term along with our other child. We will be able to deliver both babies and have our time to say goodbye to our Heaven-bound child and fill the little life with as much love as we can with the time we are given. They will be checking closely for growth of them both to make sure nothing else is happening.
We also found out that our beautiful babies are GIRLS! We have two beautiful daughters. And they have names. Our Heaven-bound baby we are naming Aislynn Marie Heininger. Aislynn means dream and Marie is my middle name. We have joked that giving Aislynn her momma's middle name will make sure God knows she is a handful right from the beginning. Our other daughter we are naming Norah Hazel Heininger. Norah means honor and Hazel is the name of a tree, but it's really something we both just really liked. So those are our girls. Aislynn and Norah. Norah will be able to be here with her mom and dad. Aislynn will be called Home when her job of protecting and caring for her sister is finished. And we will always be thankful for both of them. We will not let grief dampen our joy for both of our daughters.
We would appreciate prayers that our girls will keep growing and that Aislynn will stay strong and stay with us until her sister can safely be born. Please keep prayers and thoughts for our strength and peace close to your heart. This is our new reality. Although it is not what we imagined it would be, we will keep going and love our girls no matter what. So please help us celebrate our daughters, both of them. Please rejoice with us at each milestone I hit in the pregnancy like the flutters of movement I can feel now and how I'm really starting to look like a pregnant lady. Please talk and joke with us about how our little girl, Aislynn, is going to take Heaven by storm. And how Norah will always be able to tell people about her superhero sister who protected and sacrificed for her to keep her safe.
Thank you in advance for your love and support. You will be so needed as we go through this and as we raise our daughter with our other daughter in Heaven. I found a Proverb I have been reciting when I get overwhelmed with all the information and decisions and hurt: "As I go forward step by step, the way will be opened up unto me." Proverbs 4:12
On July 11 we had an appointment with our high-risk OB in Cape Girardeau. And he found a problem with one of our beautiful babies. One of our babies is perfectly fine, looks healthy and growing fine. Our other beautiful child has Anencephaly. This means that when the place where the spinal cord grows was closing, it didn't close properly at the top and the brain and skull were not able to develop. This means that while our beautiful baby will grow and move and live while inside me, the baby can't survive outside of the womb. We will bury one of our children soon after they are born. We will raise one child, not two. We will treasure one child here with us and treasure the memory of the other.
This is by far the most painful thing I have ever experienced. The emotion I felt when the doctor said something was wrong and told us what it was was pure horror. There is no other word for it. we ranted about it not being fair. And it's not. It's not fair to buy a crib and a casket. It's not fair to say goodbye so soon to this beautiful dream we had been having visions of. Don't mistake me, we are unbelievably thankful for our healthy baby. But that joy had a hard time competing with the idea of burying our other child.
Then we took a deep breath. And the car ride from Cape was silent for a bit. Then we started talking about telling our other child how they were protected from the very, very start by their very own superhero whom God called home when the job was done. We talked about our deep need to still enjoy being pregnant and becoming parents. We talked about our love for our children and our desire that they both know that even now. How we need our Heaven-bound baby to know beyond any shadow of a doubt that they were loved and treasured and that the little life was celebrated completely and with abandon. And we promised each other that we would do this together, not letting grief or pain separate us.
And we decided we had to embrace the joy that we felt when we first saw that positive pregnancy test. We had to start this new journey as we meant to go on: in joy and celebration. They are our children, both of them. They are our twins and we will enjoy that. We will laugh and marvel at my changing shape and not let the pain dampen our wonder. We will work to enjoy buying baby stuff even if it is for one baby. We have joked that we are only buying baby gear for one because God already has everything ready for our Heaven-bound baby. We decided that I get to enjoy my baby shower; that I don't have to be subdued for that because our children deserve to be celebrated. We are their parents and no matter what, no matter how this hurts, we will be strong enough to celebrate both of their lives and love them with a fierceness that we had not previously known was within us.
At our next doctor's visit, we went to Barnes in St. Louis because those guys have more experience with this type of thing. And there we found out that our Heaven-bound baby will most likely make it to full-term along with our other child. We will be able to deliver both babies and have our time to say goodbye to our Heaven-bound child and fill the little life with as much love as we can with the time we are given. They will be checking closely for growth of them both to make sure nothing else is happening.
We also found out that our beautiful babies are GIRLS! We have two beautiful daughters. And they have names. Our Heaven-bound baby we are naming Aislynn Marie Heininger. Aislynn means dream and Marie is my middle name. We have joked that giving Aislynn her momma's middle name will make sure God knows she is a handful right from the beginning. Our other daughter we are naming Norah Hazel Heininger. Norah means honor and Hazel is the name of a tree, but it's really something we both just really liked. So those are our girls. Aislynn and Norah. Norah will be able to be here with her mom and dad. Aislynn will be called Home when her job of protecting and caring for her sister is finished. And we will always be thankful for both of them. We will not let grief dampen our joy for both of our daughters.
We would appreciate prayers that our girls will keep growing and that Aislynn will stay strong and stay with us until her sister can safely be born. Please keep prayers and thoughts for our strength and peace close to your heart. This is our new reality. Although it is not what we imagined it would be, we will keep going and love our girls no matter what. So please help us celebrate our daughters, both of them. Please rejoice with us at each milestone I hit in the pregnancy like the flutters of movement I can feel now and how I'm really starting to look like a pregnant lady. Please talk and joke with us about how our little girl, Aislynn, is going to take Heaven by storm. And how Norah will always be able to tell people about her superhero sister who protected and sacrificed for her to keep her safe.
Thank you in advance for your love and support. You will be so needed as we go through this and as we raise our daughter with our other daughter in Heaven. I found a Proverb I have been reciting when I get overwhelmed with all the information and decisions and hurt: "As I go forward step by step, the way will be opened up unto me." Proverbs 4:12
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Now Re-introducing: Original Recipe Destiny
One of the first lessons my dear parents had to help me understand and accept when I got my first job is that not everyone is going to like me and that's fine and I still have to find a way to work with them and do my job well. That was a hard lesson even for someone like me who did not have a massive group of close friends. The hardest part was finding a way to work with and be pleasant to those who just simply had no use for me as a human being. And I thought I had learned that lesson; I really truly thought I was doing well with it. 6 years at a grocery store will teach you quite a lot about people (and on some days leave you thinking the zombie apocalypse would be a good thing for humanity). However, for better or worse, I am being given an opportunity to better learn that lesson lately.
One of my biggest struggles is being concerned with what others think of me. And not the just important others like my hubby or parents. All others. I have struggled my entire life with being very concerned about what everyone thinks of me and whether they like me or not. Being with Jay has helped me become more of myself. I believe that if my four year old self saw me pre-Jay Heininger, she would have been horrified. But post-Jay Heininger, she would be pleased with how I've turned out. But I still have those insecurities of wanting, nay needing, approval from all around me. At my job, I have a co-worker who I believed to be kind of a friend. Not like a hanging out on weekends friend, but a friendly at work friend. She is a few years younger than my mom and has three kids so after I told everyone about being pregnant she had stories about her own pregnancies and kids when they were babies. I thought things were good. Now, granted she thinks I'm weird (and she's right) and there are topics I avoid with her and I even try to curb my vocabulary a bit (this is at work in general, though) but we were friends, right? Turns out, not so right. During some recent changes, she told our boss exactly what she thinks of me. She feels I am condescending, impossible to work with, unhelpful, and generally hard to get along with and since I am pregnant if any lay offs need to happen I should be the first to lose my job. *reels from kick to gut* Ouch. Unexpected. *checks mirror for knife in back* Right, deep breaths. That stung. But I believe in the truth. I believe in knowing the truth no matter now much it hurts. And if that is the truth about what she thinks of me, then I feel I am better knowing it. But still, ouch.
So after spending some tearful soul searching and prayer yesterday on my drive home (my favorite time to pray and cry, if I need to), I think I am making peace with all of that. She is entitled to her opinion about me. Obviously my trying to get her to like me and be friends is not really working so I will stop that. Not that I will stop being nice, no, no my mother taught me better than that. What goes around, comes around, people, and I want niceness to come back at me. I will just stop trying to alter myself to what I think she wants. She gets original recipe Destiny; non-diluted Destiny; Destiny now without artificial colors or flavors. And I think it's going to be fun. On my end at least ;) I do still need to work on (and pray about) my tendency to be bitter about what she said to the boss. I have a vindictive streak that makes me extra mouthy that is not pretty. And I will conquer that. I will be pleasant and peaceful and goofy and happy and curious and, darn it, I will use four-dollar words a will because I read a lot and I know what they mean. I have been given Grace and that means I can give grace to others and let them just be and forgive them for being just as not perfect as I am.
This is all made easier by the fact that my now apple-sized babies have stopped parasitically sucking all my energy away. I am still a teary mess at times and battling some nausea, especially when hungry, but I no longer want to take a nap every two hours.
Well, that's all from me today. Thank you for reading all of this. And for obviously accepting me, big words and all. I will leave you with two of my favorite little sayings, from my desk at work.
"Do not let the behavious of others destroy your inner peace."
and
"Anybody remotely interesting is mad, in some way or another."
One of my biggest struggles is being concerned with what others think of me. And not the just important others like my hubby or parents. All others. I have struggled my entire life with being very concerned about what everyone thinks of me and whether they like me or not. Being with Jay has helped me become more of myself. I believe that if my four year old self saw me pre-Jay Heininger, she would have been horrified. But post-Jay Heininger, she would be pleased with how I've turned out. But I still have those insecurities of wanting, nay needing, approval from all around me. At my job, I have a co-worker who I believed to be kind of a friend. Not like a hanging out on weekends friend, but a friendly at work friend. She is a few years younger than my mom and has three kids so after I told everyone about being pregnant she had stories about her own pregnancies and kids when they were babies. I thought things were good. Now, granted she thinks I'm weird (and she's right) and there are topics I avoid with her and I even try to curb my vocabulary a bit (this is at work in general, though) but we were friends, right? Turns out, not so right. During some recent changes, she told our boss exactly what she thinks of me. She feels I am condescending, impossible to work with, unhelpful, and generally hard to get along with and since I am pregnant if any lay offs need to happen I should be the first to lose my job. *reels from kick to gut* Ouch. Unexpected. *checks mirror for knife in back* Right, deep breaths. That stung. But I believe in the truth. I believe in knowing the truth no matter now much it hurts. And if that is the truth about what she thinks of me, then I feel I am better knowing it. But still, ouch.
So after spending some tearful soul searching and prayer yesterday on my drive home (my favorite time to pray and cry, if I need to), I think I am making peace with all of that. She is entitled to her opinion about me. Obviously my trying to get her to like me and be friends is not really working so I will stop that. Not that I will stop being nice, no, no my mother taught me better than that. What goes around, comes around, people, and I want niceness to come back at me. I will just stop trying to alter myself to what I think she wants. She gets original recipe Destiny; non-diluted Destiny; Destiny now without artificial colors or flavors. And I think it's going to be fun. On my end at least ;) I do still need to work on (and pray about) my tendency to be bitter about what she said to the boss. I have a vindictive streak that makes me extra mouthy that is not pretty. And I will conquer that. I will be pleasant and peaceful and goofy and happy and curious and, darn it, I will use four-dollar words a will because I read a lot and I know what they mean. I have been given Grace and that means I can give grace to others and let them just be and forgive them for being just as not perfect as I am.
This is all made easier by the fact that my now apple-sized babies have stopped parasitically sucking all my energy away. I am still a teary mess at times and battling some nausea, especially when hungry, but I no longer want to take a nap every two hours.
Well, that's all from me today. Thank you for reading all of this. And for obviously accepting me, big words and all. I will leave you with two of my favorite little sayings, from my desk at work.
"Do not let the behavious of others destroy your inner peace."
and
"Anybody remotely interesting is mad, in some way or another."
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Squirming Lemons
Second trimester! I hit 14weeks yesterday making me officially in my second trimester. I told Jay yesterday that it makes me like officially pregnant with real babies. We are past the first trimester where people still hold their breath and hope nothing happens and safe and growing. I almost can't wrap my mind around being that pregnant. I am officially in maternity clothes, well pants at least. I can still wear my stretchy yoga pants to work but if I want denim, preggo pants it is. Jay and I can tell how my belly is changing shape and sticking out a bit more, but to the casual observer I probably just look like I've had a big meal. And at 14 weeks, the babies are the size of lemons. I get such a kick out of comparing their sizes to food. So this week, we are lemons and learning facial expressions and we can pee. Say what you will about me being happy for my peeing lemons, but these are big deals for us.
We had an ultrasound yesterday because we have a wonderful doctor who wanted to see for certain (read: reassure freaked out first time parents) both little heartbeats. He tried to get them with the office Doppler (actually Dopplers, plural, he was trying to hear them both at the same time) but, as we learned, that is very hard with them being so little and moving so much. And moving they are! At the ultrasound, that is the thing I was most struck by. The last time we saw them at nine weeks they moved a bit and you could see little flippers/future arms and legs move. But this time, they were like little people. Arms and legs stretching and moving and flailing about, turning around and flipping over. At one point Baby B literally spun in place; we could see the little top of baby's head spin around. Baby B was good for the US tech. She (the tech) was able to get head measurements, belly measurements, and femur measurements without too much trouble, only quite a bit of squirming and ninja moves. Baby A, on the other hand, is definitely my child. This baby was comfortable and not willing to move. Oh, contrary baby showed off with legs moving and kicking and arms stretching out in front so the tech got belly measurements and femur measurements, but that head shot was not in the cards. The tech leaned the table back so the blood rushed to my head, flipped me onto my left side, then my right and still Baby A would not move so she could get that head measurement. Well, I take that back. Baby A did move but this child went from pressing a head up against the membrane between the babies to flipping over and pressing a head to the side of my uterus. See why I say this is definitely a child of mine and Jay's? The tech even got the radiologist who told her that skipping that measurement would be better than making do with a side (or trans) measurement that would skew the growth measurement results. So she took lots of pictures of Baby A's face to show that it was our stubborn child's fault that she couldn't get her measurements.
But she got us some neat pictures of our alien babies. I know that may offend some, but be honest people. At this age, a face picture of a baby looks like an alien. Cute, miraculous, amazing aliens, I'll grant you, but aliens none the less. And one of the pics of Baby B shows the child in mid fist pump, probably because the US was about over. Having that thing pressed on my belly for so long was uncomfortable for me, so I can only imagine my affronted children were tired of having their warm, watery home poked and prodded.
Father's Day is this weekend and I am so proud that my husband gets to join in this year. Pride seems and odd emotion to have about it but I am proud. Proud of him, this wonderful man I married and am creating life with. Proud that I get to carry his children, that I get to be, for a little while, the home for his reasons for Father's Day. It's weird, to point out to Jay that it's his day, too, after so long of just thinking of my dad and his, but probably no more weird that it was for him to point out that this past Mother's Day was a bit for me, too. So (because he reads this) Happy Father's Day, Jay. I would never have the courage to make it through this adventure without you.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Grown-upi-ness
Every so often it hits me and I look around or at Jay and say something to the effect of: "This is like real grown up stuff." Like going to a home improvement store and buying paint and room molding. And then using said paint and molding to completely transform a room. (Side note: how neat is it that you can transform a room with a new color?) Jay and I will be giving up our long upstairs bedroom for the front bedroom downstairs in our house. It is to the left of the bathroom (proximity to that room is important these days) and is across the hall from what will be the babies' room. Giving up that upstairs spot was kind of grown up because neither of us really wanted to. It is a cool room. The dimensions are something like 13feet by 42feet and the walls are slanted with the roof giving it this cave/den/hideout effect. But it is too far away from the bathroom, will be too far away from the babies, and Jay has valid concerns about his soon to be heavily pregnant wife navigating the rather steep stairs. So we are grown ups and move downstairs. We painted the room a lovely deep royal blue color and I think I'm going to like it.
Another grown up endeavor I have recently undertaken is my goal to become good at freezer meals. My dearest friend swears by them. She goes on a mad cooking spree every so often and stocks their freezer with lots of yummy soups and casseroles and other goodies and then gets to relax some nights while supper defrosts in the fridge awaiting baking or heating up. I made one of those casseroles for supper two nights ago and made a second one at the same time to freeze. I have this grand Idea that I will continue doing that for several weeks and then by the time I really start to show I will have supper waiting for me in our deep freeze. When those run out, I have another Grander Idea that I will go on my own cooking spree (most probably with my beloved mommy's help) and prep for being unable to cook or too busy with babies by filling our freezer yet again. Only time will tell how these theories will work out. I have hope for them.
Today I am 12 weeks pregnant. That's like three months in normal people terms (when pregnant and, as I have noticed, a new parent your life seems to get broken down into weeks; its not quite normal). Which is almost, very nearly a long time. I can't help but think back to sitting in the ER with a diagnosis paper reading "Threatened Miscarriage" and thinking that getting to 12 weeks when they might be safer was impossible because it was an eternity away. And now its here. I'm in my last week of my first trimester with no current complications, no spotting for like three weeks (light as it was), and feeling pretty dern pregnant. For those who say God doesn't to miracles like He used to back in the day, I would like to politely disagree and enter Heininger Exhibits A and B. This may not be a miracle to some but it is the most amazing miracle I have ever witnessed, even overtaking being given the chance to marry Jay.
My symptoms are manageable. The nausea is only hard to deal with in the morning and when I'm hungry. The tension headaches are becoming quite bothersome but I will live, especially once I learn how better to sleep in this new body that is being invaded by welcome and beloved human parasites. Emotionally, I feel something akin to a mine cart that someone has broken the brake handle off of (thank you to those of you who flashed an Indiana Jones movie pic in your mind, you are my favorites). I've not had the angry mood swings (unless hungry, I will admit) but I have developed the ability to go from rational to gasping, lip-quivering, tear-drenching sobs. Honestly, its like a superpower its so powerful, albeit the worst superpower ever. And often, there is no trigger for these fits of tears. I just lose my ever-loving mind for a short while and then recover a few minutes later. Heaven-help Jay if it gets any worse. He may need medication.
But that's about it. We should be in our new bedroom, hopefully, this weekend and then we start some hardcore cleaning out our junk from the kiddos' room. We are enjoying this front row seat to the biggest miracle/roller coaster/acid trip we have ever been near let alone a part of. Maybe, just maybe, being a grown up isn't totally lame after all.
Another grown up endeavor I have recently undertaken is my goal to become good at freezer meals. My dearest friend swears by them. She goes on a mad cooking spree every so often and stocks their freezer with lots of yummy soups and casseroles and other goodies and then gets to relax some nights while supper defrosts in the fridge awaiting baking or heating up. I made one of those casseroles for supper two nights ago and made a second one at the same time to freeze. I have this grand Idea that I will continue doing that for several weeks and then by the time I really start to show I will have supper waiting for me in our deep freeze. When those run out, I have another Grander Idea that I will go on my own cooking spree (most probably with my beloved mommy's help) and prep for being unable to cook or too busy with babies by filling our freezer yet again. Only time will tell how these theories will work out. I have hope for them.
Today I am 12 weeks pregnant. That's like three months in normal people terms (when pregnant and, as I have noticed, a new parent your life seems to get broken down into weeks; its not quite normal). Which is almost, very nearly a long time. I can't help but think back to sitting in the ER with a diagnosis paper reading "Threatened Miscarriage" and thinking that getting to 12 weeks when they might be safer was impossible because it was an eternity away. And now its here. I'm in my last week of my first trimester with no current complications, no spotting for like three weeks (light as it was), and feeling pretty dern pregnant. For those who say God doesn't to miracles like He used to back in the day, I would like to politely disagree and enter Heininger Exhibits A and B. This may not be a miracle to some but it is the most amazing miracle I have ever witnessed, even overtaking being given the chance to marry Jay.
My symptoms are manageable. The nausea is only hard to deal with in the morning and when I'm hungry. The tension headaches are becoming quite bothersome but I will live, especially once I learn how better to sleep in this new body that is being invaded by welcome and beloved human parasites. Emotionally, I feel something akin to a mine cart that someone has broken the brake handle off of (thank you to those of you who flashed an Indiana Jones movie pic in your mind, you are my favorites). I've not had the angry mood swings (unless hungry, I will admit) but I have developed the ability to go from rational to gasping, lip-quivering, tear-drenching sobs. Honestly, its like a superpower its so powerful, albeit the worst superpower ever. And often, there is no trigger for these fits of tears. I just lose my ever-loving mind for a short while and then recover a few minutes later. Heaven-help Jay if it gets any worse. He may need medication.
But that's about it. We should be in our new bedroom, hopefully, this weekend and then we start some hardcore cleaning out our junk from the kiddos' room. We are enjoying this front row seat to the biggest miracle/roller coaster/acid trip we have ever been near let alone a part of. Maybe, just maybe, being a grown up isn't totally lame after all.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Farewell to French Toast and Hello Gladys
Before becoming pregnant, I did know about weird food aversions and/or cravings mommies to be can have. My mom couldn't handle the smell of most food while pregnant with my brother and if, heaven forbid, she got cake icing on her hand she flipped out. Which was actually rather funny, from an outside perspective, to watch her stiffen her hands and shake them all while making a weird, freaked out noise and scrambling to the sink to get it off her.
But I was unprepared of the battle I would have with food during my own pregnancy. Suddenly, I'm hungry all the flippin' time. Sounds great, right? I mean getting to snack all day with baby-makin' purpose all day, that's like a plump chick's dream come true. Ahhh...but there's a catch. "You will be hungry all day long," spoke the muses of pregnancy, "but nothing will ever sound good ever! Muahahahaha!"
Well, 'nothing' is not entirely true. I've been pretty lucky that the few things that do sound good are pretty healthy. For example, I can't get enough tomatoes. Sliced raw or whole raw, cooked, made into V8 juice, with crackers, on a sandwich, love me some tomatoes.
Oh, sandwiches. And my beloved sandwiches. I can't eat sandwiches unless they are tomato sandwiches. That's it. The bread makes me gag unless paired with tomatoes. This includes grilled cheese, PB&J, and even toast. Let me repeat that slower so the horror sinks in: I...can't ...eat...toast. *le sigh* But hamburger buns and hoagie rolls I can handle. Weird right?
I look forward to the day when these little babies have grown and are eating food so that I can see what they think about french toast. Cause the other night they wanted nothing do to with the french toast. I'll spare you the delightful details and just say that I wasn't even done eating the french toast when it got violently vetoed by a joint decision of my stomach and lovely almost 11 week old darlings.
Beyond my food rantings, I am doing rather well I think. Tired as all get out, and a few mood swings that usually just leave me weepy and apologetic and a tad sulky. Jay is amazingly understanding when I lose my ever-loving mind. And he usually realizes that when I'm really being a grouchy, stark raging *beep* that I'm actually just hungry and he lovingly suggests that a glass of milk would be good or just hands me the glass of milk. And my mood swings are cut down with the good night sleep that Gladys has given back to me. On Monday, I bought just a regular body pillow at the Wal-Mart and a pretty blue cover for it. This thing is like 54" tall, leading us to remark that it will be like having someone else trying to sleep in the bed with us. And leading me, cause I do this, to name the body pillow. Her name is Gladys and she is my new true love. Jay is not even all that jealous of our new relationship because he has woken up after I leave for work leaning or cuddling up against Gladys.
We are still very excited to be having twins, although I promise that is tempered by the right amount of terror at having two infants entrusted to our care. But I will believe and I will pray and I will be happy and I will remember that being pregnant doesn't even really last very long in the grand scheme of things. And I will make french toast every weekend of these children's lives just cause it will make me laugh.
But I was unprepared of the battle I would have with food during my own pregnancy. Suddenly, I'm hungry all the flippin' time. Sounds great, right? I mean getting to snack all day with baby-makin' purpose all day, that's like a plump chick's dream come true. Ahhh...but there's a catch. "You will be hungry all day long," spoke the muses of pregnancy, "but nothing will ever sound good ever! Muahahahaha!"
Well, 'nothing' is not entirely true. I've been pretty lucky that the few things that do sound good are pretty healthy. For example, I can't get enough tomatoes. Sliced raw or whole raw, cooked, made into V8 juice, with crackers, on a sandwich, love me some tomatoes.
Oh, sandwiches. And my beloved sandwiches. I can't eat sandwiches unless they are tomato sandwiches. That's it. The bread makes me gag unless paired with tomatoes. This includes grilled cheese, PB&J, and even toast. Let me repeat that slower so the horror sinks in: I...can't ...eat...toast. *le sigh* But hamburger buns and hoagie rolls I can handle. Weird right?
I look forward to the day when these little babies have grown and are eating food so that I can see what they think about french toast. Cause the other night they wanted nothing do to with the french toast. I'll spare you the delightful details and just say that I wasn't even done eating the french toast when it got violently vetoed by a joint decision of my stomach and lovely almost 11 week old darlings.
Beyond my food rantings, I am doing rather well I think. Tired as all get out, and a few mood swings that usually just leave me weepy and apologetic and a tad sulky. Jay is amazingly understanding when I lose my ever-loving mind. And he usually realizes that when I'm really being a grouchy, stark raging *beep* that I'm actually just hungry and he lovingly suggests that a glass of milk would be good or just hands me the glass of milk. And my mood swings are cut down with the good night sleep that Gladys has given back to me. On Monday, I bought just a regular body pillow at the Wal-Mart and a pretty blue cover for it. This thing is like 54" tall, leading us to remark that it will be like having someone else trying to sleep in the bed with us. And leading me, cause I do this, to name the body pillow. Her name is Gladys and she is my new true love. Jay is not even all that jealous of our new relationship because he has woken up after I leave for work leaning or cuddling up against Gladys.
We are still very excited to be having twins, although I promise that is tempered by the right amount of terror at having two infants entrusted to our care. But I will believe and I will pray and I will be happy and I will remember that being pregnant doesn't even really last very long in the grand scheme of things. And I will make french toast every weekend of these children's lives just cause it will make me laugh.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Happy, happy, joy, joy (cue happy dance)
So us Heiningers had our high-risk OB appointment today at Cape Perinatology Services in St. Francis Medical Center. The idea of going there was pretty nerve-wracking; just the "high-risk" part sounds so ominous. But, praises be, it all turned out okay. We were there primarily to check what kind of twins our little darlings are. Turns out (info for us common folk) there are three types of ways twins can exist in the womb. DiDi twins have their own everything; they have their own placentas and their own outer and inner membranes to grow in. Kind of like living in a duplex, you have your own kitchen are are just basically aware of your neighbor (all fraternal twins are DiDi). MoDi twins share a placenta and the outer membrane but have their own inner membrane space all to them selves. This one is like having a bedroom next door to your sibling; you get your food from the same kitchen, but you get your own sleeping space. MoMo twins share it all, placenta, membranes, everything. They are completely together, like having to share a bedroom with your sibling and them getting all up in your stuff. This last type is the most dangerous because of the risk of the umbilical cords getting tangled and potentially cutting off food/oxygen/blood supply to the babies.
So that's where our fears were coming from. That and my crazy terror that one or both would be gone because I love them and I worry about everything. But I got my fears abated there. We got to hear lovely, thumping, exciting, most-beautiful-sound-in-the-cosmos heartbeats from both Thing 1 and Thing 2. We even got to see them move around a bit. It was so weird/neat to see them and know that they are inside of me, living and growing and thriving. And as for their living arrangements, they are MoDi twins! They share a placenta but they have their own bedrooms to grow and move around in without fear of disrupting their sibling. We are so thankful and excited and relieved. Because they share a placenta (calling it a kitchen makes me giggle), there is still some risk of what is called Twin-to-Twin Transfusion where blood from one baby goes into the other baby but not back out. It can be risky but that is not something we worry about now. The OB said he has seen two of those in five years at St. Francis which was a bit comforting. It is something that just needs more prayer and happy thoughts and I know there is a Plan for it all.
A big thank you to everyone who sent up prayers for us about this. I know without a doubt that our MoDi twin diagnosis was a divine gift. Oh, the MoDi twin thing also means that the OB is pretty certain that the Heininger babies are identical! So they really are Thing 1 and Thing 2. I am not as upset over that as I thought I'd be. I used to always say I never wanted identical twins but I must say the idea has grown on me and now I can't wait. Can't wait to see how they develop into their own people and attitudes and likes and dislikes even while sharing identical genetics. Can't wait to laugh with them as people mix them up and have to guess and watch them exploit that just for fun.
So that's all from our batcave for the time being. I'm going to get some much needed peaceful sleep knowing that my babies are safe and healthy in their own rooms. Oh and it must be said that I am being taught daily that Jay was really chosen for me because he is awesome. He does so much to keep me calm and centered and is so excited about twins and is so amazing about distracting me from my worries with joy and laughter. Tonight I am the saved citizen and he is the superhero in our house.
So that's where our fears were coming from. That and my crazy terror that one or both would be gone because I love them and I worry about everything. But I got my fears abated there. We got to hear lovely, thumping, exciting, most-beautiful-sound-in-the-cosmos heartbeats from both Thing 1 and Thing 2. We even got to see them move around a bit. It was so weird/neat to see them and know that they are inside of me, living and growing and thriving. And as for their living arrangements, they are MoDi twins! They share a placenta but they have their own bedrooms to grow and move around in without fear of disrupting their sibling. We are so thankful and excited and relieved. Because they share a placenta (calling it a kitchen makes me giggle), there is still some risk of what is called Twin-to-Twin Transfusion where blood from one baby goes into the other baby but not back out. It can be risky but that is not something we worry about now. The OB said he has seen two of those in five years at St. Francis which was a bit comforting. It is something that just needs more prayer and happy thoughts and I know there is a Plan for it all.
A big thank you to everyone who sent up prayers for us about this. I know without a doubt that our MoDi twin diagnosis was a divine gift. Oh, the MoDi twin thing also means that the OB is pretty certain that the Heininger babies are identical! So they really are Thing 1 and Thing 2. I am not as upset over that as I thought I'd be. I used to always say I never wanted identical twins but I must say the idea has grown on me and now I can't wait. Can't wait to see how they develop into their own people and attitudes and likes and dislikes even while sharing identical genetics. Can't wait to laugh with them as people mix them up and have to guess and watch them exploit that just for fun.
So that's all from our batcave for the time being. I'm going to get some much needed peaceful sleep knowing that my babies are safe and healthy in their own rooms. Oh and it must be said that I am being taught daily that Jay was really chosen for me because he is awesome. He does so much to keep me calm and centered and is so excited about twins and is so amazing about distracting me from my worries with joy and laughter. Tonight I am the saved citizen and he is the superhero in our house.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)