I grabbed the camera this morning to snap a picture of Lainie in her high chair. After I had my cute shot, Norah came bounding into the kitchen. I turned to her and said, "Cheese!" She gave me a perfect cheesy, squinty grin. These days she gets super excited to see the pictures we take of her so I sat the camera down on the table and showed her.
"That's you," I said.
"Oh, girl," she said.
"Yes, you are a girl," I confirmed.
"Milk," she said pointing at the cup visible at the corner of the screen.
"Yep, gotta have your milk, huh, kid."
She just looked at the picture for a second and then said, "Sister."
I froze, breath knocked out of me.
She, blessedly oblivious to my reaction, bounded away to play and see what Daniel Tiger was up to. I was thankful I was not holding the camera because I would have dropped it. I gasped, fighting gut wrenching sobs clawing their way up my throat. I tried to smile at Lainie, still sitting happily in her high chair, while swiping quickly at the heavy tears that had escaped. And I cleaned up breakfast.
Norah and Aislynn were identical twins. Identical.
I know Norah's identification of 'sister' in the camera was caused by us calling her big sister to Lainie. I know that she doesn't look in the full length mirror in her room, chattering and babbling, and what I see sometimes when my heart is heavy. But it still shatters me, stealing my breath and making my stomach roll and squeezing my heart in a vice.
We talk about Aislynn, her sister who was sick so she went to Heaven to live with Jesus. Jesus, who healed her and takes care of her until we get there to be together. But someday, we will talk about Aislynn and she will recognize what was lost. She lost her twin sister. And we will hold her and try to be there for her as her grief is fresh and I am terrified of that day.
These days, with these simple, innocent moments still have the power to take me back to that day we found out one of our babies would die. I would not get to be mommy to twins. I would not order two cribs, or buy two of everything. I would not argue with family who wanted to dress them the same or learn ways of telling them apart. I still feel robbed of those things.
I miss Aislynn, my baby girl, whose voice on earth I will never hear, whose footsteps will be forever absent from our house. I also miss my twins, that dream I held of being a twin mom. I miss them together, the Heininger twins.
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Monday, September 29, 2014
"that sounds just like what ______ always did": a translation
all parents get this at one time or another by friends or family. i get it most often from my mom. it starts with a story of something norah or lainie is doing: clinging to me, not eating, throwing a fit over nothing, etc. and the response fairly often is "that sounds like what you/your sister/your brother/my child did". usually this is said by someone, like my mom or a friend, who has children older than mine and they are remembering what this stage of life was like when they did it.
i'll be honest. it doesn't feel very helpful in the moment. it feels like we're just going to swap horror stories about how these children are out to ruin meals and playtimes with their crazyness and the lesson is that it is just going to happen so deal with it or you are a worthless mother. i'm certainly not saying that is what this well meaning person intends with this advice, just that is what it can feel like on some of those long, rough, trying days.
but that is not what that really means.
take when my mom tells me that norah's picky eating and gagging violently over food that displeases her sounds just like what my sister did and that my sister clung to her and refused nearly any one else holding her like lainie is now doing. i remember my sister not eating well when we were kids. i remember mom constantly telling her to put her knees down and to try to eat just one or two more bites of meat or veggies or whatever the problem food was that meal. i also remember the crying and whining she did over it, too. and i remember her getting very upset when mom wasn't around.
do you know what i know now? i know that my sister is a healthy adult. and while she is still a bit choosy over what she eats, she is able eat a meal with people, even in public, without any problems at all. i haven't seen her gag over a bite of food in years. and she has a life away from my mom. she is able to go whole days, weeks even, without even speaking to her, let alone holding on to her or refusing to be in a room without.
or when my mom tells me that when i was norah's age, i also would get very angry and give up on whatever toy/game was thwarting my attempts to conquer it. i do remember some of this, especially in later childhood when i discovered i wasn't very good at video games and decided that must mean i don't like them at all.
and now? i'm okay with sucking at games. i have learned to try again and not completely flip out when something doesn't fit together. or when my block tower falls down. i can even totally handle when i have to push my clothes basket around the obstacle instead of said obstacle moving out of my way by the power of my will.
what that advice really means to me now is that my children will survive whatever trial we are going through now. that maybe i won't find that perfect solution to get norah to eat what i want her to eat or get her to not completely lose her mind when she gets upset. there may not be a magic formula to get lainie to let me eat without having to hold her. and there isn't some trick to getting both of these tiny girls to behave at the same time while we are at the store or at church.
that advice is trying to show me that my girls will grow up and out of these things. my imperfect parenting through these rough days is probably not going to scar them for life. my lack of a solution for getting norah to eat vegetables now will not result in her developing a debilitating fear of all things leafy and green. my holding lainie all the time because i just don't know what else to do to comfort her does not mean that she will not be able to go to prom without me. and, most importantly, my needing Jesus's forgiveness for when i fail them will not make them hate me forever.
it doesn't seem like good advice when you are sure you are scarring your children for life with your bad parenting, but "this too shall pass" really is very true and can be very comforting.
i'll be honest. it doesn't feel very helpful in the moment. it feels like we're just going to swap horror stories about how these children are out to ruin meals and playtimes with their crazyness and the lesson is that it is just going to happen so deal with it or you are a worthless mother. i'm certainly not saying that is what this well meaning person intends with this advice, just that is what it can feel like on some of those long, rough, trying days.
but that is not what that really means.
take when my mom tells me that norah's picky eating and gagging violently over food that displeases her sounds just like what my sister did and that my sister clung to her and refused nearly any one else holding her like lainie is now doing. i remember my sister not eating well when we were kids. i remember mom constantly telling her to put her knees down and to try to eat just one or two more bites of meat or veggies or whatever the problem food was that meal. i also remember the crying and whining she did over it, too. and i remember her getting very upset when mom wasn't around.
do you know what i know now? i know that my sister is a healthy adult. and while she is still a bit choosy over what she eats, she is able eat a meal with people, even in public, without any problems at all. i haven't seen her gag over a bite of food in years. and she has a life away from my mom. she is able to go whole days, weeks even, without even speaking to her, let alone holding on to her or refusing to be in a room without.
or when my mom tells me that when i was norah's age, i also would get very angry and give up on whatever toy/game was thwarting my attempts to conquer it. i do remember some of this, especially in later childhood when i discovered i wasn't very good at video games and decided that must mean i don't like them at all.
and now? i'm okay with sucking at games. i have learned to try again and not completely flip out when something doesn't fit together. or when my block tower falls down. i can even totally handle when i have to push my clothes basket around the obstacle instead of said obstacle moving out of my way by the power of my will.
what that advice really means to me now is that my children will survive whatever trial we are going through now. that maybe i won't find that perfect solution to get norah to eat what i want her to eat or get her to not completely lose her mind when she gets upset. there may not be a magic formula to get lainie to let me eat without having to hold her. and there isn't some trick to getting both of these tiny girls to behave at the same time while we are at the store or at church.
that advice is trying to show me that my girls will grow up and out of these things. my imperfect parenting through these rough days is probably not going to scar them for life. my lack of a solution for getting norah to eat vegetables now will not result in her developing a debilitating fear of all things leafy and green. my holding lainie all the time because i just don't know what else to do to comfort her does not mean that she will not be able to go to prom without me. and, most importantly, my needing Jesus's forgiveness for when i fail them will not make them hate me forever.
it doesn't seem like good advice when you are sure you are scarring your children for life with your bad parenting, but "this too shall pass" really is very true and can be very comforting.
Saturday, May 24, 2014
Hey, look, I found a blog I used to write on...
Toddlers and pregnancy don't lend much time/energy to blogging.
That's like the only excuse I have for everything these days. Toddlers and pregnancy don't lend much time/energy to laundry. Toddlers and pregnancy don't lend much time/energy to cleaning the bathroom. Toddlers and pregnancy don't lend much time/energy to grocery shopping. Toddlers and pregnancy don't.........well you get the drift.
But we are all well in Heininger land. Jay's work schedule is actually a bit lighter in the summer since he works primarily on the SIU campus and there's like no one there in the summer. So he gets home at a good time which, even if I'm still the one doing stuff with Norah, its just so much less pressure having him here while I do those things. Like even if I don't need the backup, its available and that makes all the difference.
Tuesday marks our 8 year wedding anniversary. We have been together for 11 years and married for almost 8 of them. I think its a good sign in a marriage when it simultaneously feels like you've been together forever and that there is no possible way it has been that long. We still bicker and give each other a hard time about everything. We still insult each other; its how we show love. But he's still my hero. I know that sounds painfully cliche, but it really is how I feel. I really do have this kind of deep ingrained knowledge that Jay can fix it. That when he gets home, no matter what kind of day we've had, he will swoop in and save me from it. He lets me not worry about stuff. And he lets me have cute kids. Even if thus far his offspring look like they came from him only (I tell ya, you'd think I'd never even carried her, how much Norah looks like her dad), I like being momma to his spawn. He's just lucky he's cute, if he's going to insist on his kids looking just like him.
Norah is a toddler. A real one. She whines. She has her momma's temper (cause that's what I wanted to pass on, not curly hair, my temper). This morning we had cereal with milk. I say we, but I really mean her. She ate Kix with milk out of a bowl with a spoon. Granted, I did still wrap a towel around her waist but she really did get most of the cereal and even most of the milk in her mouth. She loves using a fork and will eat anything that you will let her with a fork. She has eaten a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a fork (I cut it up into squares anyway). She made my mom let her eat pizza with a fork. She loves eating her supper with a fork off of a real plate. And she actually eats so so so much better if she is eating off of a real plate with a fork. Like she will eat vegetables, too. I know, right? Miracles do still occur.
I'm doing well. This pregnancy with Lainie is delightfully boring. I love it. I have nothing to report, nothing to chat about. I've not been very sick or achy or anything. I've had a few food aversions, but nothing too weird. I've had some insomnia, but nothing all that bad. I'm getting a little nervous about having an infant again. Like trying to remember the early bathtime stuff, for example. We did most of that with Norah in the NICU. So our wonderful nurses were right there. Lainie will hopefully be easier to bathe at first without the wires and tubes, but its still a little daunting.
On Monday I will be 32 weeks pregnant. I gave birth to Norah and Aislynn at 32 weeks 3 days. This is stressful for me. I know intellectually that the situation is completely different this time. I'm not even close to being as big preggo at this stage as I was then. But its that number, ya know? Like its my pregnancy expiration date or something. I've never been more than 32 weeks 3 days pregnant and I'm a little nervous about trying to make it to full term this time. People tease that I'll be so miserable in July so big and pregnant, but really, if I make it to July still pregnant, I will be so thankful and thrilled. I want to be hugely pregnant on my 31st birthday on July 8th. That would be the best birthday present ever. Then she can be born.
If you are the prayin' kind, please send up a prayer for us that we go full term and that our delivery goes smoothly. We are hoping to be able to do a traditional delivery instead of another c section. I really want that experience for us.
Well I need to sign off here. We are trying out going potty (a post for another day) so we spend lots and lots and lots of quality time in the bathroom.
Happy Saturday, beautiful people. Peace out!!
That's like the only excuse I have for everything these days. Toddlers and pregnancy don't lend much time/energy to laundry. Toddlers and pregnancy don't lend much time/energy to cleaning the bathroom. Toddlers and pregnancy don't lend much time/energy to grocery shopping. Toddlers and pregnancy don't.........well you get the drift.
But we are all well in Heininger land. Jay's work schedule is actually a bit lighter in the summer since he works primarily on the SIU campus and there's like no one there in the summer. So he gets home at a good time which, even if I'm still the one doing stuff with Norah, its just so much less pressure having him here while I do those things. Like even if I don't need the backup, its available and that makes all the difference.
Tuesday marks our 8 year wedding anniversary. We have been together for 11 years and married for almost 8 of them. I think its a good sign in a marriage when it simultaneously feels like you've been together forever and that there is no possible way it has been that long. We still bicker and give each other a hard time about everything. We still insult each other; its how we show love. But he's still my hero. I know that sounds painfully cliche, but it really is how I feel. I really do have this kind of deep ingrained knowledge that Jay can fix it. That when he gets home, no matter what kind of day we've had, he will swoop in and save me from it. He lets me not worry about stuff. And he lets me have cute kids. Even if thus far his offspring look like they came from him only (I tell ya, you'd think I'd never even carried her, how much Norah looks like her dad), I like being momma to his spawn. He's just lucky he's cute, if he's going to insist on his kids looking just like him.
Norah is a toddler. A real one. She whines. She has her momma's temper (cause that's what I wanted to pass on, not curly hair, my temper). This morning we had cereal with milk. I say we, but I really mean her. She ate Kix with milk out of a bowl with a spoon. Granted, I did still wrap a towel around her waist but she really did get most of the cereal and even most of the milk in her mouth. She loves using a fork and will eat anything that you will let her with a fork. She has eaten a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a fork (I cut it up into squares anyway). She made my mom let her eat pizza with a fork. She loves eating her supper with a fork off of a real plate. And she actually eats so so so much better if she is eating off of a real plate with a fork. Like she will eat vegetables, too. I know, right? Miracles do still occur.
I'm doing well. This pregnancy with Lainie is delightfully boring. I love it. I have nothing to report, nothing to chat about. I've not been very sick or achy or anything. I've had a few food aversions, but nothing too weird. I've had some insomnia, but nothing all that bad. I'm getting a little nervous about having an infant again. Like trying to remember the early bathtime stuff, for example. We did most of that with Norah in the NICU. So our wonderful nurses were right there. Lainie will hopefully be easier to bathe at first without the wires and tubes, but its still a little daunting.
On Monday I will be 32 weeks pregnant. I gave birth to Norah and Aislynn at 32 weeks 3 days. This is stressful for me. I know intellectually that the situation is completely different this time. I'm not even close to being as big preggo at this stage as I was then. But its that number, ya know? Like its my pregnancy expiration date or something. I've never been more than 32 weeks 3 days pregnant and I'm a little nervous about trying to make it to full term this time. People tease that I'll be so miserable in July so big and pregnant, but really, if I make it to July still pregnant, I will be so thankful and thrilled. I want to be hugely pregnant on my 31st birthday on July 8th. That would be the best birthday present ever. Then she can be born.
If you are the prayin' kind, please send up a prayer for us that we go full term and that our delivery goes smoothly. We are hoping to be able to do a traditional delivery instead of another c section. I really want that experience for us.
Well I need to sign off here. We are trying out going potty (a post for another day) so we spend lots and lots and lots of quality time in the bathroom.
Happy Saturday, beautiful people. Peace out!!
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Bruises, clapping, Lainie, and fierceness.
Norah, these days, is ready to rock and roll every morning. She doesn't want good morning hugs or any of that mess, just lift her out of the crib and set her on her already moving feet and stand back. Lord help us, the day she starts trying to climb out of her cage herself. I am already grateful we put a regular door knob on her door and not the lever-lookin' kind. This morning I got smart and asked for a kiss before setting her free and actually got one. But I have the feeling she considered it payment for my freedom services.
Want to know another weird factoid about me? I am strangely proud of the random mystery bruises I get on my forearms. I get bruises on my legs all the time cause I'm a klutz and can't navigate my own house. But the ones on my arms, for some reason, speak to me like I'm really a mommy because I have done something or hoisted something/someone or carried too many toys and that's what caused them. They're like more adult or something.
Somehow we have trained Norah to close the bathroom door when it's left open. She loves the bathroom, its a wonderland of fun. And for a while we had a problem that when one of us would forget to close it, she would go in there and mess with stuff. Well somehow, in my quest to make leaving the bathroom less devastating, I taught her that closing the bathroom door is great fun. So now she does it on her own. We won't even know the door was open. We'll just hear a quiet click and then Norah comes into whatever room we are clapping for herself. It took us a bit to realize what she had done. And it is one of the best things she has learned how to do. Now she loves to close doors. Strange child.
The clapping thing is cool, too. She claps all the time, for everything, sometimes for nothing. She claps if she hears the words "good job" whether they're directed at her or not. And I think she believes it is her superpower to walk into a room of adults (like our awesome church small group) and start clapping and have every single person join her. I keep thinking that maybe this will keep developing into like the gift to encourage people and what an awesome gift that would be for her to have.
Lainie, my current passenger daughter making my clothes fit funny, is growing away. She moves so much, much more than Norah or Aislynn ever did. I can't decide if she's just got that much more room of if she's going to be a wild child. I have a sneaky suspicion that it's both. I love having a name to call her. Before we had kids I thought I would be one of those who would keep the name a secret until the baby was born and have this big surprise. But I just think its so much fun to have chosen her name and call her by it and kind of have some early bonding. I have some fears regarding bonding with our second earthly child. I struggled to bond with Norah while she was in the NICU and I know that was part her just being hooked up to so much at first and not being able to hold her and part of it was also grief over losing Aislynn, the loss of our girl itself and fear over exposing my heart to that again. I worry about favoring Norah over Lainie. But I have faith that God will work all that out in my heart so that I can have that connection with both of them. Different connections, sure, but that's how its supposed to be. I've never subscribed to that saying "I love my children equally". I love my children with equal fierceness but the love is different because each child is different. I expect my mother loves me, my sister, and brother differently just because we are very different people, but I know that she loves us with a fierceness that is equally staggering. My mother passed down her momma tiger fierceness to me, I'm sure of it. Did you guys ever hear about the time my mother had an entire hospital floor of doctor interns and residents terrified to even walk into my brother's room when he had surgery as a baby? The head surgeon had to come up to talk to her. Every nurse was shocked cause he never graced that floor with his presence but he had to cause my mom had put the fear of God into the "pee-ons" as she called them. Classic.
I have laundry baskets calling my name and they are developing attitudes that I don't appreciate. I think I'll let them stew a bit longer. I'm a rebel like that.
Want to know another weird factoid about me? I am strangely proud of the random mystery bruises I get on my forearms. I get bruises on my legs all the time cause I'm a klutz and can't navigate my own house. But the ones on my arms, for some reason, speak to me like I'm really a mommy because I have done something or hoisted something/someone or carried too many toys and that's what caused them. They're like more adult or something.
Somehow we have trained Norah to close the bathroom door when it's left open. She loves the bathroom, its a wonderland of fun. And for a while we had a problem that when one of us would forget to close it, she would go in there and mess with stuff. Well somehow, in my quest to make leaving the bathroom less devastating, I taught her that closing the bathroom door is great fun. So now she does it on her own. We won't even know the door was open. We'll just hear a quiet click and then Norah comes into whatever room we are clapping for herself. It took us a bit to realize what she had done. And it is one of the best things she has learned how to do. Now she loves to close doors. Strange child.
The clapping thing is cool, too. She claps all the time, for everything, sometimes for nothing. She claps if she hears the words "good job" whether they're directed at her or not. And I think she believes it is her superpower to walk into a room of adults (like our awesome church small group) and start clapping and have every single person join her. I keep thinking that maybe this will keep developing into like the gift to encourage people and what an awesome gift that would be for her to have.
Lainie, my current passenger daughter making my clothes fit funny, is growing away. She moves so much, much more than Norah or Aislynn ever did. I can't decide if she's just got that much more room of if she's going to be a wild child. I have a sneaky suspicion that it's both. I love having a name to call her. Before we had kids I thought I would be one of those who would keep the name a secret until the baby was born and have this big surprise. But I just think its so much fun to have chosen her name and call her by it and kind of have some early bonding. I have some fears regarding bonding with our second earthly child. I struggled to bond with Norah while she was in the NICU and I know that was part her just being hooked up to so much at first and not being able to hold her and part of it was also grief over losing Aislynn, the loss of our girl itself and fear over exposing my heart to that again. I worry about favoring Norah over Lainie. But I have faith that God will work all that out in my heart so that I can have that connection with both of them. Different connections, sure, but that's how its supposed to be. I've never subscribed to that saying "I love my children equally". I love my children with equal fierceness but the love is different because each child is different. I expect my mother loves me, my sister, and brother differently just because we are very different people, but I know that she loves us with a fierceness that is equally staggering. My mother passed down her momma tiger fierceness to me, I'm sure of it. Did you guys ever hear about the time my mother had an entire hospital floor of doctor interns and residents terrified to even walk into my brother's room when he had surgery as a baby? The head surgeon had to come up to talk to her. Every nurse was shocked cause he never graced that floor with his presence but he had to cause my mom had put the fear of God into the "pee-ons" as she called them. Classic.
I have laundry baskets calling my name and they are developing attitudes that I don't appreciate. I think I'll let them stew a bit longer. I'm a rebel like that.
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
It's a ..........
PSYCHE!!!!
Gotcha. You didn't think I would really post that all nice and easy at the top of this blog, did you? Nope. Here's some random news instead.
Norah has seven teeth now. And one other top one that just has a teensy bit to go before it can be counted as "erupted". What a harsh word for teething. Erupted. Makes my mouth hurt. Makes hers hurt, too, since two molars are trying to cut in line and erupt before the teeth beside them. I feel like she's gonna look like a hill-billy for a short time. And considering how I dress her on some days (like laundry day), she fits the part frightfully well.
I can't decide if I've had a fit of nesting or if its the return of sunshine and above freezing temps that has had me cleaning our house. I didn't really nest with the girls. A combo of working full time and you know carrying twins pretty much took out my nesting energy I guess. Well, that and staying home with Norah means that every day, nearly all day I see our house. In all its "glory" if such a word can be applied to a mess and still retain some meaning. So I'm working on it. I can't wait for proper spring so my house can experience some fresh air and we can get working on some other projects that will be needed before the birth of our next munchkin.
All right, all right, I can hear you grumbling from there. Yes, I was going to tell you what we are having this time, I just wanted to make sure you were invested first. So here you are, dear readers. The Heiningers found out today that we are having a little girl! Norah is going to be the big sister to a little sister. And ya know what, we kinda always knew she was a she. I won't lie, the idea of having a boy was pretty prevalent early this pregnancy, but it never really seemed right. Couldn't really settle on a name we were both really in to, among other worries about room decor. But we are spared all of that and now we get to just sit back and enjoy adding to our family. I am excited at seeing Norah with her little sister and watching them grow up together. They will only be a year apart in school, you know. Norah will be one of the oldest in her class with her October birthday and our new little one will be one of the youngest with her (hopefully, prayers appreciated) July birthday.
Oh, I bet you want to know her name, huh? Yes, we have one picked out and its pretty great. Her name is Lainie Evelyn Heininger. Isn't it awesome? I do really like it. Just as much, in fact, as I like Norah's name and Aislynn's name. We pick out good names, its a talent.
So we have a Lainie. I love calling her by her name when she moves. Or telling her to bear with me when I move wrong trying to get up off the floor or reach for a toy. And I can't wait to see Norah see my belly move and feel it. And I can't wait to see Norah see Lainie and see Lainie see Norah. I can't wait to see our family together.
Lainie Evelyn Heininger: the bell pepper-sized (this week) bundle of joy and light who will make our lives better and harder and infinitely more beautiful.
Gotcha. You didn't think I would really post that all nice and easy at the top of this blog, did you? Nope. Here's some random news instead.
Norah has seven teeth now. And one other top one that just has a teensy bit to go before it can be counted as "erupted". What a harsh word for teething. Erupted. Makes my mouth hurt. Makes hers hurt, too, since two molars are trying to cut in line and erupt before the teeth beside them. I feel like she's gonna look like a hill-billy for a short time. And considering how I dress her on some days (like laundry day), she fits the part frightfully well.
I can't decide if I've had a fit of nesting or if its the return of sunshine and above freezing temps that has had me cleaning our house. I didn't really nest with the girls. A combo of working full time and you know carrying twins pretty much took out my nesting energy I guess. Well, that and staying home with Norah means that every day, nearly all day I see our house. In all its "glory" if such a word can be applied to a mess and still retain some meaning. So I'm working on it. I can't wait for proper spring so my house can experience some fresh air and we can get working on some other projects that will be needed before the birth of our next munchkin.
All right, all right, I can hear you grumbling from there. Yes, I was going to tell you what we are having this time, I just wanted to make sure you were invested first. So here you are, dear readers. The Heiningers found out today that we are having a little girl! Norah is going to be the big sister to a little sister. And ya know what, we kinda always knew she was a she. I won't lie, the idea of having a boy was pretty prevalent early this pregnancy, but it never really seemed right. Couldn't really settle on a name we were both really in to, among other worries about room decor. But we are spared all of that and now we get to just sit back and enjoy adding to our family. I am excited at seeing Norah with her little sister and watching them grow up together. They will only be a year apart in school, you know. Norah will be one of the oldest in her class with her October birthday and our new little one will be one of the youngest with her (hopefully, prayers appreciated) July birthday.
Oh, I bet you want to know her name, huh? Yes, we have one picked out and its pretty great. Her name is Lainie Evelyn Heininger. Isn't it awesome? I do really like it. Just as much, in fact, as I like Norah's name and Aislynn's name. We pick out good names, its a talent.
So we have a Lainie. I love calling her by her name when she moves. Or telling her to bear with me when I move wrong trying to get up off the floor or reach for a toy. And I can't wait to see Norah see my belly move and feel it. And I can't wait to see Norah see Lainie and see Lainie see Norah. I can't wait to see our family together.
Lainie Evelyn Heininger: the bell pepper-sized (this week) bundle of joy and light who will make our lives better and harder and infinitely more beautiful.
Monday, February 10, 2014
snapshots of my current life
this post will be partially not grammatically correct. which i have some hangups about, being a general nerd and former english tutor. can you guess the error? that's right, there are no capital letters. you see, gentle reader, my lovely, rampaging daughter popped off the left hand shift key from the keyboard like say six months ago and we can't figure out how to put it back on. and neither me or my darling husband ever learned how to shift with our right hand. so to capitalize letters, we have to hold down this little rubber nubbin where the shift key used to reside. and that's just not easy to do quickly, so i have resolved that during this post i will only use it for punctuation.
here's another thought on grammar. i don't think that spelling counts as grammar. spelling is its own evil issue that should have no bearing on how intelligent the writer is thought to be. proper punctuation and sentence structure are far more important that spelling. that being said, jesus invented spell check to make sure i can communicate with the outside world and be understood.
did you know that a refrigerator handle is considered "cosmetic"? isn't that the stupidest thing you've ever heard. it's a handle. i use it to operate the refrigerator ie. opening the door to get my cold stuff out. so shouldn't it be covered under warranty? well, according to lowes and frigidaire it is not. and worse still i missed the moment where our frige handle broke off in jay's hand. i am only left with a series of images pulled from stock footage of him being surprised/perplexed/angry all in the same moment. but still it is pretty dang funny. and i laugh every time my dumb butt swipes at the fridge trying to find the handle when i know darn good and well that this handle is on the cabinet and not attached to the fridge.
i found a way to spice up our morning routine this monday morning. norah has taken to making every diaper change/clothes change into some kind of parenting challenge. i can choose to get very angry that she's making this difficult or i can choose to buckle down and wrestle her down with funny sounds and tickling until she is clean (or a reasonable facsimile thereof) and dressed. this morning i chased her into the living room and turned this process in to a three round wrestling match on the love seat. and you know what, i won every round. it was touch and go a couple of times, especially during the shirt round because her shirt was a onsie and it has snaps, but momma prevailed. and we were both laughing by the time it was done. there are still jammies in the living room as proof of my victory over the small ginger tyrant.
lastly, we had cinnamon toast this morning for breakfast. breakfast has become something of a challenge for me since my child has broken up my routine. we had been having oatmeal and bananas for breakfast like every day. with the exception of some weekend mornings when jay would makes scrambled eggs for himself and would make extra for norah. well my independent, dare i say it, toddler does not like to be fed from a spoon anything that is not yogurt, pudding or applesauce and i'm not a brave enough person to let her try a spoon completely on her own yet. so breakfast has to change. she likes toast, so we have been doing that and sometimes jelly toast on the weekend. she likes french toast, even left over, so that works. but this morning i mixed up some cinnamon sugar and each had a slice of cinnamon sugar toast. this was a staple of my childhood. cinnamon sugar toast for breakfast and even cinnamon sugar on butter bread for dessert at lunch time. it was always there, in a reused spice container, right beside the toaster. and the sun went out if it was empty. of course mom was always there to keep the world spinning and make more cinnamon sugar. cinnamon sugar toast makes me feel like a good mom, cause it is something my mom did. it reminds me how it felt to have someone there constantly on my side even if it was, in that moment, only to refill the cinnamon sugar container. i had an amazing childhood because of all those tiny things my mom always did and i so so hope that someday norah will be able to say the same thing. being told i'm turning into my mother is one of the most exciting compliments i can ever receive.
to round things out here today, just an update on the new tyrant we are adding. i'm feeling pretty good for the most part. i was sick like the whole first half of my last pregnancy so this one has been easier in that regard. but boy oh boy, when i do get sick with this one, i am down for the count. and the belly-stretching round ligament pain has been like killer this time. i was not prepared, but for today i'm feeling pretty good. we have not really done anything as far as readied the bedroom for the addition because we are waiting to find out if we have another female tyrant or are venturing into the realm of boy-ness. and i'm still on the fence whether or not we will just buy another crib or try to hold off with just the pack-n-play until norah is ready for a toddler bed. we are going to just play that one by ear. it is very convenient that we will know the sex before yard sale season gets going so i can go nuts getting stuff that way.
and that's my life today. my kitchen is a mess and i have to cook the ribs i have been forgetting about for supper tonight. but i only have one load of clean laundry waiting for me to fold and disperse and i feel good about things like that.
here's another thought on grammar. i don't think that spelling counts as grammar. spelling is its own evil issue that should have no bearing on how intelligent the writer is thought to be. proper punctuation and sentence structure are far more important that spelling. that being said, jesus invented spell check to make sure i can communicate with the outside world and be understood.
did you know that a refrigerator handle is considered "cosmetic"? isn't that the stupidest thing you've ever heard. it's a handle. i use it to operate the refrigerator ie. opening the door to get my cold stuff out. so shouldn't it be covered under warranty? well, according to lowes and frigidaire it is not. and worse still i missed the moment where our frige handle broke off in jay's hand. i am only left with a series of images pulled from stock footage of him being surprised/perplexed/angry all in the same moment. but still it is pretty dang funny. and i laugh every time my dumb butt swipes at the fridge trying to find the handle when i know darn good and well that this handle is on the cabinet and not attached to the fridge.
i found a way to spice up our morning routine this monday morning. norah has taken to making every diaper change/clothes change into some kind of parenting challenge. i can choose to get very angry that she's making this difficult or i can choose to buckle down and wrestle her down with funny sounds and tickling until she is clean (or a reasonable facsimile thereof) and dressed. this morning i chased her into the living room and turned this process in to a three round wrestling match on the love seat. and you know what, i won every round. it was touch and go a couple of times, especially during the shirt round because her shirt was a onsie and it has snaps, but momma prevailed. and we were both laughing by the time it was done. there are still jammies in the living room as proof of my victory over the small ginger tyrant.
lastly, we had cinnamon toast this morning for breakfast. breakfast has become something of a challenge for me since my child has broken up my routine. we had been having oatmeal and bananas for breakfast like every day. with the exception of some weekend mornings when jay would makes scrambled eggs for himself and would make extra for norah. well my independent, dare i say it, toddler does not like to be fed from a spoon anything that is not yogurt, pudding or applesauce and i'm not a brave enough person to let her try a spoon completely on her own yet. so breakfast has to change. she likes toast, so we have been doing that and sometimes jelly toast on the weekend. she likes french toast, even left over, so that works. but this morning i mixed up some cinnamon sugar and each had a slice of cinnamon sugar toast. this was a staple of my childhood. cinnamon sugar toast for breakfast and even cinnamon sugar on butter bread for dessert at lunch time. it was always there, in a reused spice container, right beside the toaster. and the sun went out if it was empty. of course mom was always there to keep the world spinning and make more cinnamon sugar. cinnamon sugar toast makes me feel like a good mom, cause it is something my mom did. it reminds me how it felt to have someone there constantly on my side even if it was, in that moment, only to refill the cinnamon sugar container. i had an amazing childhood because of all those tiny things my mom always did and i so so hope that someday norah will be able to say the same thing. being told i'm turning into my mother is one of the most exciting compliments i can ever receive.
to round things out here today, just an update on the new tyrant we are adding. i'm feeling pretty good for the most part. i was sick like the whole first half of my last pregnancy so this one has been easier in that regard. but boy oh boy, when i do get sick with this one, i am down for the count. and the belly-stretching round ligament pain has been like killer this time. i was not prepared, but for today i'm feeling pretty good. we have not really done anything as far as readied the bedroom for the addition because we are waiting to find out if we have another female tyrant or are venturing into the realm of boy-ness. and i'm still on the fence whether or not we will just buy another crib or try to hold off with just the pack-n-play until norah is ready for a toddler bed. we are going to just play that one by ear. it is very convenient that we will know the sex before yard sale season gets going so i can go nuts getting stuff that way.
and that's my life today. my kitchen is a mess and i have to cook the ribs i have been forgetting about for supper tonight. but i only have one load of clean laundry waiting for me to fold and disperse and i feel good about things like that.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
The definition of rainbow
Boy, what a pretentious title. Geez. Well, judging by that, folks, you are in for a treat. Its been like two months since we were last gathered here. Norah was turning 1 and it was hard, a hard time. We got through it, stronger than before. It was like grief turning full circle, it felt so fresh and raw again. But with lots of prayer and support and just that whole daily going about life thing, we made it. I feel lots more peace about our path to parenthood.
Of course the news that we were up for round 2 didn't hurt that one bit. We found out about our next baby, whom we have dubbed "Smalls", about mid-November. There was joy right off. A strange sense of this is so the right thing and how awesome is this. Then the whole holy crap for a couple of months we will have two under two (Norah will be almost 21mos at my due date) settled in. And the realization that I will be out numbered during the day and I don't put it past Jay's and my kids to stage some kind of revolt fairly early in life. But its been mostly joy. Its odd, and we talked about it and agreed, somehow this feels more grownup and more "we are a family of our own" more than the girls' pregnancy did.
Don't get me wrong, there is fear. Heaven above, is there fear. Fear that leads me to gasp, how could we have done this again, what if, what if.... Standard first trimester fears are slowly diminishing, but I did have spotting again which was terrifying, again. We had some doctor problems that added to this stress. Our wonderful, supportive doc from last time moved away with a church plant. Wonderful that he and his family are following God's plan but bummer for us finding someone new who will kind of keep our history in mind. That was the trouble with the last office, it was just like I couldn't convince them that my fears are not irrational given our history. But that's resolved and we have a new doc who I feel like will listen. I've only seen his like PA (I think she was his PA), but once I told her all of our story, she said she thinks he will be a good fit for us. To answer the inevitable question, it will be several more weeks before we have an ultrasound that can check for any issues. And that is the only time I will answer that question or address this.
So here I sit, 11 weeks pregnant with a fig called Smalls (fig is the size of the baby this week and I get eternal enjoyment out of the fruit and veggie comparisons). And I understand "rainbow baby". I get it. I didn't before, not really. Its not just that there is hope after a tragedy or that God can give blessings that can lift you up from such grief. And its not moving on and letting go of the baby that was taken Home. Its the thought, that little moment realizing that you love this baby growing inside you just as much as you love the child you have here in your arms and the child waiting in Jesus's arms for you to get there. And then the thought follows, or it did for me, that if Aislynn hadn't been destined for Heaven sooner then the rest of us, we wouldn't have this baby here growing now. We wouldn't be adding this newly created soul to our family while Norah is this young. Bam. Woah. It threw me for a loop. I couldn't change our situation, I can't even imagine how life could have been different with both girls here without giving up this new life starting to make me out grow my jeans again. And I couldn't give up my Smalls, neither Jay or I could. And that is a rainbow baby. A baby so precious and so loved that you can feel more peace about the baby whisked away to God's side just so that you could experience both tiny lives. At least, that's what it means for me.
Prayer would be appreciated, for rest and faith and health, of course. But my biggest prayer has been that we get to have a normal, boring pregnancy that we all can enjoy. That I get to be full term and, since I'm due July 21st, that I'm horribly huge on my birthday the 8th. Side note: I'm excited as all get-out that I'll get to make use of my maternity swimsuit.
Thank you in advance for making this journey with us.
Of course the news that we were up for round 2 didn't hurt that one bit. We found out about our next baby, whom we have dubbed "Smalls", about mid-November. There was joy right off. A strange sense of this is so the right thing and how awesome is this. Then the whole holy crap for a couple of months we will have two under two (Norah will be almost 21mos at my due date) settled in. And the realization that I will be out numbered during the day and I don't put it past Jay's and my kids to stage some kind of revolt fairly early in life. But its been mostly joy. Its odd, and we talked about it and agreed, somehow this feels more grownup and more "we are a family of our own" more than the girls' pregnancy did.
Don't get me wrong, there is fear. Heaven above, is there fear. Fear that leads me to gasp, how could we have done this again, what if, what if.... Standard first trimester fears are slowly diminishing, but I did have spotting again which was terrifying, again. We had some doctor problems that added to this stress. Our wonderful, supportive doc from last time moved away with a church plant. Wonderful that he and his family are following God's plan but bummer for us finding someone new who will kind of keep our history in mind. That was the trouble with the last office, it was just like I couldn't convince them that my fears are not irrational given our history. But that's resolved and we have a new doc who I feel like will listen. I've only seen his like PA (I think she was his PA), but once I told her all of our story, she said she thinks he will be a good fit for us. To answer the inevitable question, it will be several more weeks before we have an ultrasound that can check for any issues. And that is the only time I will answer that question or address this.
So here I sit, 11 weeks pregnant with a fig called Smalls (fig is the size of the baby this week and I get eternal enjoyment out of the fruit and veggie comparisons). And I understand "rainbow baby". I get it. I didn't before, not really. Its not just that there is hope after a tragedy or that God can give blessings that can lift you up from such grief. And its not moving on and letting go of the baby that was taken Home. Its the thought, that little moment realizing that you love this baby growing inside you just as much as you love the child you have here in your arms and the child waiting in Jesus's arms for you to get there. And then the thought follows, or it did for me, that if Aislynn hadn't been destined for Heaven sooner then the rest of us, we wouldn't have this baby here growing now. We wouldn't be adding this newly created soul to our family while Norah is this young. Bam. Woah. It threw me for a loop. I couldn't change our situation, I can't even imagine how life could have been different with both girls here without giving up this new life starting to make me out grow my jeans again. And I couldn't give up my Smalls, neither Jay or I could. And that is a rainbow baby. A baby so precious and so loved that you can feel more peace about the baby whisked away to God's side just so that you could experience both tiny lives. At least, that's what it means for me.
Prayer would be appreciated, for rest and faith and health, of course. But my biggest prayer has been that we get to have a normal, boring pregnancy that we all can enjoy. That I get to be full term and, since I'm due July 21st, that I'm horribly huge on my birthday the 8th. Side note: I'm excited as all get-out that I'll get to make use of my maternity swimsuit.
Thank you in advance for making this journey with us.
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