Boy, what a pretentious title. Geez. Well, judging by that, folks, you are in for a treat. Its been like two months since we were last gathered here. Norah was turning 1 and it was hard, a hard time. We got through it, stronger than before. It was like grief turning full circle, it felt so fresh and raw again. But with lots of prayer and support and just that whole daily going about life thing, we made it. I feel lots more peace about our path to parenthood.
Of course the news that we were up for round 2 didn't hurt that one bit. We found out about our next baby, whom we have dubbed "Smalls", about mid-November. There was joy right off. A strange sense of this is so the right thing and how awesome is this. Then the whole holy crap for a couple of months we will have two under two (Norah will be almost 21mos at my due date) settled in. And the realization that I will be out numbered during the day and I don't put it past Jay's and my kids to stage some kind of revolt fairly early in life. But its been mostly joy. Its odd, and we talked about it and agreed, somehow this feels more grownup and more "we are a family of our own" more than the girls' pregnancy did.
Don't get me wrong, there is fear. Heaven above, is there fear. Fear that leads me to gasp, how could we have done this again, what if, what if.... Standard first trimester fears are slowly diminishing, but I did have spotting again which was terrifying, again. We had some doctor problems that added to this stress. Our wonderful, supportive doc from last time moved away with a church plant. Wonderful that he and his family are following God's plan but bummer for us finding someone new who will kind of keep our history in mind. That was the trouble with the last office, it was just like I couldn't convince them that my fears are not irrational given our history. But that's resolved and we have a new doc who I feel like will listen. I've only seen his like PA (I think she was his PA), but once I told her all of our story, she said she thinks he will be a good fit for us. To answer the inevitable question, it will be several more weeks before we have an ultrasound that can check for any issues. And that is the only time I will answer that question or address this.
So here I sit, 11 weeks pregnant with a fig called Smalls (fig is the size of the baby this week and I get eternal enjoyment out of the fruit and veggie comparisons). And I understand "rainbow baby". I get it. I didn't before, not really. Its not just that there is hope after a tragedy or that God can give blessings that can lift you up from such grief. And its not moving on and letting go of the baby that was taken Home. Its the thought, that little moment realizing that you love this baby growing inside you just as much as you love the child you have here in your arms and the child waiting in Jesus's arms for you to get there. And then the thought follows, or it did for me, that if Aislynn hadn't been destined for Heaven sooner then the rest of us, we wouldn't have this baby here growing now. We wouldn't be adding this newly created soul to our family while Norah is this young. Bam. Woah. It threw me for a loop. I couldn't change our situation, I can't even imagine how life could have been different with both girls here without giving up this new life starting to make me out grow my jeans again. And I couldn't give up my Smalls, neither Jay or I could. And that is a rainbow baby. A baby so precious and so loved that you can feel more peace about the baby whisked away to God's side just so that you could experience both tiny lives. At least, that's what it means for me.
Prayer would be appreciated, for rest and faith and health, of course. But my biggest prayer has been that we get to have a normal, boring pregnancy that we all can enjoy. That I get to be full term and, since I'm due July 21st, that I'm horribly huge on my birthday the 8th. Side note: I'm excited as all get-out that I'll get to make use of my maternity swimsuit.
Thank you in advance for making this journey with us.
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