Now Re-introducing: Original Recipe Destiny

One of the first lessons my dear parents had to help me understand and accept when I got my first job is that not everyone is going to like me and that's fine and I still have to find a way to work with them and do my job well.  That was a hard lesson even for someone like me who did not have a massive group of close friends.  The hardest part was finding a way to work with and be pleasant to those who just simply had no use for me as a human being.  And I thought I had learned that lesson; I really truly thought I was doing well with it.  6 years at a grocery store will teach you quite a lot about people (and on some days leave you thinking the zombie apocalypse would be a good thing for humanity).  However, for better or worse, I am being given an opportunity to better learn that lesson lately. 

One of my biggest struggles is being concerned with what others think of me.  And not the just important others like my hubby or parents.  All others.  I have struggled my entire life with being very concerned about what everyone thinks of me and whether they like me or not.  Being with Jay has helped me become more of myself.  I believe that if my four year old self saw me pre-Jay Heininger, she would have been horrified.  But post-Jay Heininger, she would be pleased with how I've turned out.  But I still have those insecurities of wanting, nay needing, approval from all around me.  At my job, I have a co-worker who I believed to be kind of a friend.  Not like a hanging out on weekends friend, but a friendly at work friend.  She is a few years younger than my mom and has three kids so after I told everyone about being pregnant she had stories about her own pregnancies and kids when they were babies.  I thought things were good.  Now, granted she thinks I'm weird (and she's right) and there are topics I avoid with her and I even try to curb my vocabulary a bit (this is at work in general, though) but we were friends, right?  Turns out, not so right.  During some recent changes, she told our boss exactly what she thinks of me.  She feels I am condescending, impossible to work with, unhelpful, and generally hard to get along with and since I am pregnant if any lay offs need to happen I should be the first to lose my job.  *reels from kick to gut*  Ouch.  Unexpected.  *checks mirror for knife in back*  Right, deep breaths.  That stung.  But I believe in the truth.  I believe in knowing the truth no matter now much it hurts.  And if that is the truth about what she thinks of me, then I feel I am better knowing it.  But still, ouch.

So after spending some tearful soul searching and prayer yesterday on my drive home (my favorite time to pray and cry, if I need to), I think I am making peace with all of that.  She is entitled to her opinion about me.  Obviously my trying to get her to like me and be friends is not really working so I will stop that.  Not that I will stop being nice, no, no my mother taught me better than that.  What goes around, comes around, people, and I want niceness to come back at me.  I will just stop trying to alter myself to what I think she wants.  She gets original recipe Destiny; non-diluted Destiny; Destiny now without artificial colors or flavors.  And I think it's going to be fun.  On my end at least ;)  I do still need to work on (and pray about) my tendency to be bitter about what she said to the boss.  I have a vindictive streak that makes me extra mouthy that is not pretty.  And I will conquer that.  I will be pleasant and peaceful and goofy and happy and curious and, darn it, I will use four-dollar words a will because I read a lot and I know what they mean.  I have been given Grace and that means I can give grace to others and let them just be and forgive them for being just as not perfect as I am. 

This is all made easier by the fact that my now apple-sized babies have stopped parasitically sucking all my energy away.  I am still a teary mess at times and battling some nausea, especially when hungry, but I no longer want to take a nap every two hours. 

Well, that's all from me today.  Thank you for reading all of this.  And for obviously accepting me, big words and all.  I will leave you with two of my favorite little sayings, from my desk at work.

"Do not let the behavious of others destroy your inner peace."

and

"Anybody remotely interesting is mad, in some way or another."