Our new reality

I guess everyone has that moment where they feel like a parent.  Not those moments where you realize that you are having a baby, but that moment where your heart fills with an entirely new kind of fierce love and determination and it hits you suddenly that is what being a mom or dad feels like.  Jay and I have experienced this moment in one of the most painful ways anyone can.

On July 11 we had an appointment with our high-risk OB in Cape Girardeau.  And he found a problem with one of our beautiful babies.  One of our babies is perfectly fine, looks healthy and growing fine.  Our other beautiful child has Anencephaly.  This means that when the place where the spinal cord grows was closing, it didn't close properly at the top and the brain and skull were not able to develop.  This means that while our beautiful baby will grow and move and live while inside me, the baby can't survive outside of the womb.  We will bury one of our children soon after they are born.  We will raise one child, not two.  We will treasure one child here with us and treasure the memory of the other.

This is by far the most painful thing I have ever experienced.  The emotion I felt when the doctor said something was wrong and told us what it was was pure horror.  There is no other word for it.  we ranted about it not being fair.  And it's not.  It's not fair to buy a crib and a casket.  It's not fair to say goodbye so soon to this beautiful dream we had been having visions of.  Don't mistake me, we are unbelievably thankful for our healthy baby.  But that joy had a hard time competing with the idea of burying our other child.

Then we took a deep breath.  And the car ride from Cape was silent for a bit.  Then we started talking about telling our other child how they were protected from the very, very start by their very own superhero whom God called home when the job was done.  We talked about our deep need to still enjoy being pregnant and becoming parents.  We talked about our love for our children and our desire that they both know that even now.  How we need our Heaven-bound baby to know beyond any shadow of a doubt that they were loved and treasured and that the little life was celebrated completely and with abandon.  And we promised each other that we would do this together, not letting grief or pain separate us.

And we decided we had to embrace the joy that we felt when we first saw that positive pregnancy test.  We had to start this new journey as we meant to go on: in joy and celebration.  They are our children, both of them.  They are our twins and we will enjoy that.  We will laugh and marvel at my changing shape and not let the pain dampen our wonder.  We will work to enjoy buying baby stuff even if it is for one baby.  We have joked that we are only buying baby gear for one because God already has everything ready for our Heaven-bound baby.  We decided that I get to enjoy my baby shower; that I don't have to be subdued for that because our children deserve to be celebrated.  We are their parents and no matter what, no matter how this hurts, we will be strong enough to celebrate both of their lives and love them with a fierceness that we had not previously known was within us.

At our next doctor's visit, we went to Barnes in St. Louis because those guys have more experience with this type of thing.  And there we found out that our Heaven-bound baby will most likely make it to full-term along with our other child.  We will be able to deliver both babies and have our time to say goodbye to our Heaven-bound child and fill the little life with as much love as we can with the time we are given.  They will be checking closely for growth of them both to make sure nothing else is happening.

We also found out that our beautiful babies are GIRLS!  We have two beautiful daughters.  And they have names.  Our Heaven-bound baby we are naming Aislynn Marie Heininger.  Aislynn means dream and Marie is my middle name.  We have joked that giving Aislynn her momma's middle name will make sure God knows she is a handful right from the beginning.  Our other daughter we are naming Norah Hazel Heininger.  Norah means honor and Hazel is the name of a tree, but it's really something we both just really liked.  So those are our girls.  Aislynn and Norah. Norah will be able to be here with her mom and dad.  Aislynn will be called Home when her job of protecting and caring for her sister is finished.  And we will always be thankful for both of them.  We will not let grief dampen our joy for both of our daughters.

We would appreciate prayers that our girls will keep growing and that Aislynn will stay strong and stay with us until her sister can safely be born.  Please keep prayers and thoughts for our strength and peace close to your heart.  This is our new reality.  Although it is not what we imagined it would be, we will keep going and love our girls no matter what.  So please help us celebrate our daughters, both of them.  Please rejoice with us at each milestone I hit in the pregnancy like the flutters of movement I can feel now and how I'm really starting to look like a pregnant lady.  Please talk and joke with us about how our little girl, Aislynn, is going to take Heaven by storm.  And how Norah will always be able to tell people about her superhero sister who protected and sacrificed for her to keep her safe.

Thank you in advance for your love and support.  You will be so needed as we go through this and as we raise our daughter with our other daughter in Heaven.  I found a Proverb I have been reciting when I get overwhelmed with all the information and decisions and hurt:  "As I go forward step by step, the way will be opened up unto me."  Proverbs 4:12