So now for Part 2 of the day our girls were born. Warning: this is gonna be a very long one because I can't break it up as easy as the first bit. And it carries the same Gross Disclaimer as Part 1.
Monday went by kind of strangely after the crazy, terror-filled early morning. They had me on the magnesium sulfate (known hereafter as "mag" as the nurses called it) which made my face burn like I had an insanely high fever. Which, of course, I did not have because they were also fast pumping me full of antibiotics and checking my temp rather often. I explained to Jay that with the membranes around our girls broken, my womb becomes like the perfect breeding ground for anything and everything. I think he may have already knew that but let me tell him. The mag made me feel strange. I got a cool new bracelet to add to my collection of hospital bracelets that was bright yellow and said "Fall Risk". I may have asked someone at some point who told them I was clumsy and that person smiled gently and said the mag can make people fall down because it is a muscle relaxant. Ahhh, I said, that explains why I feel like I can't move, too, huh? Yes, this kind nurse said.
After the sun came up and things were more quiet, my parents came back from taking my brother home (he was at the hospital because it had looked at first like the babies were coming right then) and Jay and his mom went to run some errands since we could have babies at any time and would have babies in less than 48hours. Jay had seemed so calm, making sure I was okay with him leaving. There was so much to get done that we thought we'd have more time for. He packed some clothes and took a shower at the house while his mom emptied our dishwasher. Yes, folks, my mother-in-law saw my messy, messy house and did some cleaning while she was there. Thankfully she must have pretended she never saw anything amiss because I didn't hear anything about it. He went to Wal-Mart for some other supplies that for some reason I decided I had to have, like house slippers and a robe and a nursing bra. He also picked up our little recorders for our girls, more on those later. My parents sat with me while Jay was gone. My mom was her normal self and handled me having contractions during our conversation very well. You see, the contractions never really completely stopped. They diminished greatly and were not too frequent or regular but they were still there. I would just need a moment to breathe and be quiet and then the conversation could keep going. I can't completely remember exactly what we talked about but it was delightfully normal mixed in with my fears of not being ready for this, not being ready to say good-bye to our Aislynn.
I only had two monitors on by that point, too. There was a monitor for the contractions and another for Norah's heartbeat. It was so hard to keep a monitor on Aislynn and there was not way of knowing if her heartbeat became abnormal if that meant something was wrong or if it was just her. So she didn't have a monitor. They spot checked her heartbeat when they did my vitals (or anytime I asked, really). I did understand that from a medical standpoint, Norah was the focus. Did that make it any easier to feel like my daughter Aislynn was being overlooked? No, of course not. And I probably would have protested if we had any other doctor than our Dr. Meyer. I knew he knew how we felt about Aislynn and I knew he didn't view her as anything other than our beautiful daughter and that is how I could accept the lack of monitor. I trusted him, we both did.
My parents left after a bit, with lots of reassurance from me that it was fine they had stuff to do. My mom said she had to go clean. She cleans a few houses along with her bus route and I thought that's what she was going to go do. But it seems that the conversation we had about how our house wasn't ready and my kitchen was a mess and the laundry needed done was only forgotten by me and that is what she left to do. I was alone for a bit and I tried to sleep, I really did. But it was bright in there and Norah kept moving away from her monitor which stressed me out trying to keep it over her little heartbeat and its a hospital with noise and stress and who can really blame me for not falling asleep. Then my nurse Patty came in and said they were moving me to another room in ante-partum (I was still in labor and delivery at that point). I can't remember if I asked for my phone to text Jay or if I didn't think of that. I do remember the nurses moving me asking me to hold the slack in my IVs as they moved me and I am glad I did. It is lucky that tubing is so stretchy. I was stressed out in the new room because I wanted to lay on my side to see the door so I would see when Jay came back but it was so hard to get Norah on the monitor on that side. But then Jay was back and it was okay.
The afternoon passed. I don't remember if it felt quick or slow. From my stand point now, it was too, too fast. I did keep having contractions but they were still not too terribly bad or regular. Jay and his mom, Karen, were in there and I guess we talked. I don't really remember. I remember trying to keep the washcloth on my face cool because my face was hell-fire burning from the mag. And I remember Nurse Patty's awesome idea to get a hospital pail filled with ice and several washcloths and keep changing them out of the ice bath. That was wonderful. I may have dozed a bit but it was so, so hard to calm down to sleep while being so afraid. I spent so much time that afternoon just praying that God would let our girls wait a bit longer. Just a bit longer so the steroids could work on Norah's lungs and begging him to postpone the time that we would have to say goodbye to our Aislynn. The girls didn't move around much since they had no fluid to move in that afternoon. I had some guilt about that too; my poor babies stuck in their drained home. Eventually, after some last minute Amazon.com baby shopping for which I am ever grateful for, my mother-in-law, Karen, went home. And Jay and I were left to just wait. I don't know what he did that evening. I know my contractions were getting stronger. I remember the nurses changing shifts and us getting our night nurse Margie. Margie looked kind of tough and no nonsense which scared me a bit. Turns out she was tough and no nonsense but that is exactly the perfect kind of nurse we needed that night. She was also incredibly kind and calming and knew exactly what to do always.
The contractions eventually got so, so painful. Like above what I could stand. Margie would feel my belly during them and assured me that they didn't feel like they were too strong for the girls, it was just the fact that they were in my back that made them so painful. She told me a few tips for breathing that really helped. I may have sounded silly "sighing them away" like she told me but it worked and I handled them for a few more hours. Eventually pain and despair started to overwhelm me and I just was so tired. Dr. Meyer had said that morning that the decision to give me pain meds needed to be monitored because if the contractions were causing me that much pain, something may be happening. Margie checked me and just kind of said okay with a little calm smile and left. It got dark sometime around this time and Jay turned on the TV to watch wrestling like he does every Monday. I was vaguely irritated by this as I was having his babies and he was watching is progr'm but he said he spent the evening staring at me and freaking out that I was in so much pain. Margie came in after a bit with a wonderful syringe of morphine. And that did work, for a bit at least. It made me relax and super woozy. I vaguely, vaguely remember laying on my side kind of floating and feeling the contractions but it was like they were both not quite as bad and I just couldn't work up enough energy to care about them. Eventually the pain relief of the morphine started to wear away but not the woozy bit. Then I was feeling the full contractions but not able to express how bad they hurt again. Jay and Margie would talk every now and again and I do remember her asking him how often I was moaning in my sleep but I don't remember his answer. Jay just told me as I was writing that she came in at about 11:50pm or so and checked me again and said she was going to call Dr. Meyer just to check in with him. He believes that was her wonderful, perfect nurse was of saying "Holy crap, time is up" but she didn't express any of that to us. She popped in one more time to say Dr. Meyer was back on call (he is unavailable on Monday nights) and he was going to go ahead and come in to check on me. I don't remember her saying he was coming, I just remember her saying I was back under his care.
[Oh, the babies recorder things. I was going to talk about those and this a good time. A wonderful woman a friend connected me with has been through this same thing with her twin girls and watching one of them go to Heaven. She and her husband recorded each girls' heartbeat on a little recorder thing and the put it inside a stuffed animal. This seemed so perfect to be able to show Norah someday that her sister was real and this is what her heart sounded like. So sometime during the evening, Margie helped Jay record both of our daughters' heartbeats on their own recorders. Norah's was easier to get than Aislynn's because we were getting Aislynn's from a hand held Doppler thing and not the big monitor. Margie was patient and understood how important this was to us and stuck with it until we got a good strong recording of our brave girl's strong heart to have always. Okay, now back to the story.]
Suddenly, there was activity and the room lights were turned on and there were people. Dr. Meyer was standing by the sink and Margie was in there and he was saying that I had dilated more. The decision he had reached with the doctors at Barnes was that if I progressed at all, it was time to deliver. And it was time. He said there was a woman in the OR then and that it would be about 45minutes. Jay started calling our parents to tell them to hightail it to the hospital. Meyer called Dr. Crews to assist him and was in and out of the room getting everything arranged for us. I did keep having really painful contractions around being prepped for surgery (my first ever surgery, let me mention). Anesthesiologist came in, different from that morning, (Dr. Sing, my memory provides for some unknown reason) and had me lift my head and open my mouth and then proceeded to scare me to death saying that if the spinal didn't take, he would have to put me completely out and what he would use to do that. I panicked about that. Being put completely out would mean that I could potentially miss Aislynn's whole life. I would be unconscious while Aislynn was here and not have the chance to tell her how much her mother loves her and how proud of her I am. And because I'm me, I blamed it on my weight; I know that being so heavy can make the spinal block not work. I fretted about that while a nurse gave me yet another hospital bracelet (this one a just in case for any blood I may need to be given during surgery) and made me drink something so horrible tasting to prevent me from throwing up too badly during surgery. My IVs were changed and I was pumped full of fluids. Dr. Meyer came back in and, because he is a wonderful doctor, asked how I was feeling about everything. After his understanding nod at my telling him that I was so scared because I wasn't ready to say goodbye, I told him about my fears regarding the spinal block not working. His reply is one I don't think I could forget. I didn't tell him I was worried about it because of my size, I just said I was worried but he knew why I was worried. He said, "Destiny, I know you think you are very big but women heavier than you have babies here and have no problem with the spinal block." There is some paraphrasing there, but I know he said that heavier women that me have spinal blocks. This meant something to me, not only for what he said but for the matter of fact way he said it, kind of like I was being ridiculous for focusing on that.
My inner monologue kicked in one unforgettable moment while Margie was shaving what needed to be done for surgery and I was having contractions at the same time. I kind of thought she should take note of that and maybe leave my pubic hair alone while I was being ripped in half. Of course, now I see that with each progressing contraction she needed to hurry and not wait, but I wasn't terribly rational at that point. There was a moment where Jay stepped into the bathroom to change into the scrubs that they had had ready for him since that morning. He came out and the scrubs were way too big for him and he made some wonderfully, typical Jay comments about the hospital only having small and three-X for scrub sizes and telling a nurse that he had lost one of the shoe booties. This was what I needed to distract me. Then I had another contraction that was super bad and super long and I felt something move. Like something move down inside me. I told every nurse around me and was getting very panicked and the Margie was right in front of me leaning over me and told me that now with every contraction I need to concentrate on not pushing. I may have kind of angrily told her that I wasn't pushing and it was just happening and she said calmly back that then when I had one I needed to look up as far as I could and pant. Surprisingly to me, this did help with that pressure feeling that had come back. Probably shouldn't have surprised me since Margie is a super-nurse but I was distressed at the time. When Dr. Meyer came back to the room (in scrubs which scared me a bit and made it sink in a little more that I was having surgery in minutes) I told him about feeling, well, Aislynn actually, move down. He calmly nodded and said that we shouldn't check and just kind of let her alone and just keep moving. Inner monologue said this was insane and don't we have to know, but I know now that there was nothing that could have been done for it so he was perfectly right. There were more people in and out and I had more contractions that were more frightening than ever and Dr. Meyer left one more time.
Then my bed was being moved and Jay was walking behind me and suddenly we were in another room that was super bright and Jay was stopping at the door and I had to look terrified. Dr. Meyer was sitting down waiting wearing a surgical cap thing and mask hanging from his neck and gave me a kind of small smile. I know my eyes were the size of dinner plates and I was close to hyperventilating. My bed was raised and a nurse who I don't remember except that she had a nice voice told me that I was going to scoot myself over to the other bed and I could take my time. It was so hard to move with the mag and laying in bed all day and having contractions but I got over there. It was a tiny, skinny bed with some padding, which surprised me once it sunk in that I was on an operating table. They had me sit up, which I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to do. In fact, I asked Dr. Meyer while still in my hospital room what would happen if she came down so far that I wouldn't be able to sit up for the spinal block procedure and I think he just told me that we'd see what would happen. I was able to sit up and a nice nurse, maybe the same one from before, stood in front of me. Most everyone of you probably know how she had me lean forward on her holding a pillow. I felt like I was going to fall and she did such a good job making me believe that she had me and I would not fall. The needle for the numbing did hurt a bit but not as bad as they had warned me it would. The most memorable thing about the spinal block was that just as they were starting to inject the meds, I had a sharp, painish, coldish feeling in my hip. I was so distracted by the fact that the contraction I had been having was fading away that I forgot to mention my hip to them. Instantly my toes started to tingle and they had me lay back. Then I just waited. This part seemed to last a while and my mind kind of wandered. I thought about how wild it was that the lights look like the OR lights on TV. I marveled at the feeling of ascending paralysis setting in to my legs. I looked around for Jay and probably asked where he was. Someone extended arms on the surgical table and I panicked that they were going to strap me down. But they didn't and for that I am/was so thankful. A nurse laid my arms where they wanted them and told me to keep them there. I had commented to Dr. Meyer at my last appointment that one of my biggest fears about the c-section was being strapped to the table like a mental patient even if I knew why they did it. He laughed then but it occurs to me now that his intervention may have been why I wasn't strapped down.
Then Jay was beside me, finally, and I teared up a bit because I knew this was really, really it. They started poking my belly and asking me if I felt it and then they started. It was only minutes before Dr. Meyer said with a happy voice, "Happy Birthday!" and Aislynn Marie Heininger was born at 2:05am, October 23rd, 2012. Jay looked up just in time to see her being lifted from me. He said there was nothing more beautiful. But I guess there was equal beauty two minutes later when Dr. Meyer said again with his happy voice, "Happy Birthday!" and Norah Hazel Heininger was born at 2:07am, October 23rd, 2012. Jay got to see both of their births. They were both taken by nurses over to warming beds and Jay went over to see his new daughters. I remember looking over at them, just barely seeing their feet around the swarm of nurses. I said to a nice nurse (Donna, my memory miraculously supplies, who was the anesthesia nurse) that I didn't know how to react and I didn't think I was reacting right. She said I was fine and I could react however I wanted to. I was surprised that I didn't cry but I really was feeling too much to emote much of anything. I saw them using the bag valve mask on Aislynn but my strong girl only needed a few breaths before breathing on her own so her daddy could hold her and introduce her to mommy.
Aislynn and her time here deserves her own post so that is what I am going to do. Stay tuned for that.
But during our time with Aislynn, I was in pain. Like lots of pain. There was some small pain with all the pressure when the girls were born but while he finished surgery and put me back together, I hurt. It hurt so much more than I was ready for. Dr. Meyer said later that he was aware I was in lots of pain just because of the contracting of my abdominal muscles and intestine but he didn't really know why. The nurse Donna during surgery said that anything more they gave me for the pain could make me woozy and not remember everything and I couldn't risk that. Then surgery was over and I was lifted via sheet back to my hospital bed and wheeled into recovery.
There is obviously so, so much more to this story but that is it for my bit of it. This is the story of what I have been referring to as "that Monday". That Monday that I went into preterm labor and spent one last day pregnant with both of my girls. That Monday we looked forward to and dreaded and celebrated and feared. And we made it. We may have not felt ready but we made it anyways.
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