As you all know, Norah was in the NICU after she was born. But not for as long as anyone thought. They told us that most preemie babies go home just before their actual due date. Our girls were born at 32 weeks gestation. We told the NICU nurses that we were hoping to have her home around Thanksgiving and they told us that was a very reasonable goal, not rushing her or expecting too much. This child was home in exactly two weeks. Two weeks! Crazy. We knew she was doing very well but everyone, even the NICU nurses and her doctor, was surprised how well she did so quickly. Most preemie babies have a hard time with the Baby Hat Trick which is to suck (to eat), swallow and breathe at the same time. Norah did not. Not ever. Her first time with a bottle she took like a third of her feeding, which according to the nurses, is insanely good. In just days she was taking every other feeding by bottle (versus her feeding tube) and then every feeding. I will admit, I got a little teary when we bottle fed her for the first time. Not just because it was exciting, which it was. It was because she was growing up. I know most normal babies eat their food without a feeding tube but my baby didn't and when she did, it was her getting bigger and growing.
We brought her home exactly two weeks after they were born. And, I gotta be honest, we were not ready. Not like the whole "you're never really ready" thing but like really not ready. Her room wasn't ready. We didn't have any clothes or diapers for her. The only baby stuff we had was what we got for the baby shower just days before they were born. So while the news was good, our reaction didn't really show that. We had to look like deer in headlights. But what are ya gonna do? You make a trip to Wal-Mart and buy what you think you have to have and find out later just what you needed. As it turns out, we didn't do too badly on that.
About breastfeeding....I tried. When she was born and since she was in the NICU, a lactation nurse brought me a breast pump and I pumped. And it worked. Worked well, in fact. I was able to pump so much that she didn't need any formula in the hospital. I pumped in the hospital and took it to the NICU and I pumped at home and at first we took it to the hospital when we went to see her but eventually they told me they had plenty and then what I pumped at home went in the deep freeze. A couple days before we brought her home they let me try to nurse her and she did really well. I struggled but she seemed to know exactly what she was doing. After she was home I started to integrate nursing into our feeding schedule but since she was still so little I was supposed to nurse and then offer her her "expressed" breast milk and then record how much she takes in addition to nursing. This is kind of an exhausting schedule and I just didn't feel like I could really regulate how much she was getting. I needed to know that she was eating enough and trying to breast feed her just stressed me out. In case anyone doesn't know, I'm a bit busty (yes, understatement) and I was having a rough time with this experience. So I decided I would just pump and then bottle feed her.
And then my milk volume started to decline. We still had quite a bit in the freezer so I thought I had time to try to work on that. But there was no fixing it and eventually I had to start giving her some formula along with the breast milk. I thought that would work. But the amount I was pumping went down so fast that she was getting mostly formula. The act of pumping and getting no milk was starting to be damaging to me emotionally. It was like having the failure shoved in my face every three hours. This failure that I couldn't provide for my child. And that along with every thing else we were facing was too much. I took my mom's advice from what she went through and finally just had to move on. I had to accept that pumping just wasn't for us this time and move on. Formula may not be "so natural" and "liquid gold" and "made best for baby" but it still makes healthy kids. My siblings and I all had formula after Mom breast fed us as long as she could and I think we turned out just fine.
She does have acid reflux which is so hard to watch her deal with but I know it's common. I hate to see her have to work so hard to keep her food down. She is so tough and does such a good job, but I still hate that she has to be tough. I hate that she spits up and that sometimes it comes out her nose. I hate that she looks so uncomfortable sometimes and coughs and gags and grunts cause her belly is upset. I think that it may be extra tough for us because of Aislynn. Not to be a downer, but we saw her die. We held her little body. We know what it is to hold our child after she was gone. And that kind makes like aftershocks when Norah is not completely fine.
Grief is odd. I thought I had worked through more of the grief in preparing to lose her. There really is no preparing for that. Yes, we knew so we were over the shock part of losing her but the rest of it, nope. And yes, having Norah is amazing and it is so, so wonderful that she is so healthy but I miss Aislynn just as much as I rejoice that Norah is so healthy. I miss my baby. Mourning Aislynn will take time and my love for Norah may soften some of the edges of the grief but that absolutely does not mean that I will "get over it" faster.
There is a quote from an unlikely source that fits exactly how I feel: "The way I see it life is a pile of good things and a pile of bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things, but vice-versa, the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant."
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