So Norah is six months old. Crazy, right?! Right now she is sitting between Jay's legs playing with this kind of musical walk-behind toy. She's sitting in front of it pressing the buttons and chattering and laughing. I can hardly believe this is the same tiny little baby I first saw in the heated bed in the NICU 6 months and 4 days ago. Its 4pm now and that's about the exact time I first got out of bed and made it to a wheelchair to be taken down to see her.
I have changed so much in the last six months. I have learned things about myself, good and bad. Turns out I do have the will to be dog tired and still somehow have a cheerful voice when she gets up from a nap. Turns out I do have the will to do housework when all I want to do is sit down. But it also turns out I have a temper. I am prone to yell when things don't go how my mind has decided, but I am working on that. I have learned how to let go of what I look like. That kind of happened on its own. One day I just fixed the ponytail my hair was in, made sure I had deodorant and clean (-ish, I'm not gonna lie) clothes on and left the house bound for the store or something. I realized later that I really didn't care what I looked like. I like rockin' the "mother of a baby" look.
[Oh dear lord, I have dueling farters on my floor. I'm taking bets for who will win, Jay or Norah.]
I am getting used to the housewife thing, too. I love being home, but I'm gonna say it for the stay at home moms who feel they can't, it is not always easy or fun and I don't always enjoy it. I am incredibly thankful God has blessed us with the means to let me stay home and care for my family but that doesn't mean its always roses and rainbows. And I've learned that its okay that I feel like that. I've learned that I can be a crazy, nerdy, sarcastic, goofy mom who quotes science fiction at her child and has phone ring tones from her favorite TV show. Being goofy means that I can turn cleaning the kitchen into aerobic exercise with the help of Veggie Tails Silly Songs by dancing around the room and singing loudly to entertain the baby happily drooling in her swing. And being nerdy means that I will never think any of the imaginary friend games Norah plays is weird, in fact I will probably join in and help her turn household items into whatever her character needs.
There is another side to this milestone as there will be for every milestone Norah ever reaches. It has been six months since Aislynn died. It has been six months since I held my baby and kissed her. And I know where she is and I know I will see her again but I still miss her here. I think sometimes I still feel like we have to get everything we can out of every moment with Norah because she will be gone soon. We had such a deadline with Aislynn, we had to get everything we could out of every moment of the pregnancy and then out of every moment of her too short life. Now not having so much of a deadline is kind of hard to get used to. I know its good that I'm savoring every moment with Norah because "it will be over so fast" but it really isn't good for this mother's peace of mind to think of who I would call first if Norah is just gone when I wake up in the morning. But I am working on that, too. It really comes down to trust. I have to just trust that my prayers are being heard and that God's plan is for Norah to stay here with us. And most of the time I do. There's just those moments, ya know?
I went from a tiny baby, not even five pounds when we brought her home, to a rolling-over, interactive seventeen and a half pound baby in such a short time. She loves to be outside, loves to watch the cats, and she loves loves loves her Daddy. Daddy coming home is definitely the highlight of our day. She smiles and wiggles all over when her Daddy smiles at her. And she smiles at her grandparents now, too. She smiles at people in general cause she's Jay's child and likes an audience but she smiles quickly and big for all of her grandparents. This little person who was the size of a poppy seed when we found out about her and then went to having her head shoved under my left ribs is now showing personality. Wild.
Well this little bundle of personality and drool is upset and wants supper. So I will sign off for now. The past six months have been so wonderful, I can't even imagine what the next six months will bring. One thing's for certain, it's gonna be fantastic.
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