this post will be partially not grammatically correct. which i have some hangups about, being a general nerd and former english tutor. can you guess the error? that's right, there are no capital letters. you see, gentle reader, my lovely, rampaging daughter popped off the left hand shift key from the keyboard like say six months ago and we can't figure out how to put it back on. and neither me or my darling husband ever learned how to shift with our right hand. so to capitalize letters, we have to hold down this little rubber nubbin where the shift key used to reside. and that's just not easy to do quickly, so i have resolved that during this post i will only use it for punctuation.
here's another thought on grammar. i don't think that spelling counts as grammar. spelling is its own evil issue that should have no bearing on how intelligent the writer is thought to be. proper punctuation and sentence structure are far more important that spelling. that being said, jesus invented spell check to make sure i can communicate with the outside world and be understood.
did you know that a refrigerator handle is considered "cosmetic"? isn't that the stupidest thing you've ever heard. it's a handle. i use it to operate the refrigerator ie. opening the door to get my cold stuff out. so shouldn't it be covered under warranty? well, according to lowes and frigidaire it is not. and worse still i missed the moment where our frige handle broke off in jay's hand. i am only left with a series of images pulled from stock footage of him being surprised/perplexed/angry all in the same moment. but still it is pretty dang funny. and i laugh every time my dumb butt swipes at the fridge trying to find the handle when i know darn good and well that this handle is on the cabinet and not attached to the fridge.
i found a way to spice up our morning routine this monday morning. norah has taken to making every diaper change/clothes change into some kind of parenting challenge. i can choose to get very angry that she's making this difficult or i can choose to buckle down and wrestle her down with funny sounds and tickling until she is clean (or a reasonable facsimile thereof) and dressed. this morning i chased her into the living room and turned this process in to a three round wrestling match on the love seat. and you know what, i won every round. it was touch and go a couple of times, especially during the shirt round because her shirt was a onsie and it has snaps, but momma prevailed. and we were both laughing by the time it was done. there are still jammies in the living room as proof of my victory over the small ginger tyrant.
lastly, we had cinnamon toast this morning for breakfast. breakfast has become something of a challenge for me since my child has broken up my routine. we had been having oatmeal and bananas for breakfast like every day. with the exception of some weekend mornings when jay would makes scrambled eggs for himself and would make extra for norah. well my independent, dare i say it, toddler does not like to be fed from a spoon anything that is not yogurt, pudding or applesauce and i'm not a brave enough person to let her try a spoon completely on her own yet. so breakfast has to change. she likes toast, so we have been doing that and sometimes jelly toast on the weekend. she likes french toast, even left over, so that works. but this morning i mixed up some cinnamon sugar and each had a slice of cinnamon sugar toast. this was a staple of my childhood. cinnamon sugar toast for breakfast and even cinnamon sugar on butter bread for dessert at lunch time. it was always there, in a reused spice container, right beside the toaster. and the sun went out if it was empty. of course mom was always there to keep the world spinning and make more cinnamon sugar. cinnamon sugar toast makes me feel like a good mom, cause it is something my mom did. it reminds me how it felt to have someone there constantly on my side even if it was, in that moment, only to refill the cinnamon sugar container. i had an amazing childhood because of all those tiny things my mom always did and i so so hope that someday norah will be able to say the same thing. being told i'm turning into my mother is one of the most exciting compliments i can ever receive.
to round things out here today, just an update on the new tyrant we are adding. i'm feeling pretty good for the most part. i was sick like the whole first half of my last pregnancy so this one has been easier in that regard. but boy oh boy, when i do get sick with this one, i am down for the count. and the belly-stretching round ligament pain has been like killer this time. i was not prepared, but for today i'm feeling pretty good. we have not really done anything as far as readied the bedroom for the addition because we are waiting to find out if we have another female tyrant or are venturing into the realm of boy-ness. and i'm still on the fence whether or not we will just buy another crib or try to hold off with just the pack-n-play until norah is ready for a toddler bed. we are going to just play that one by ear. it is very convenient that we will know the sex before yard sale season gets going so i can go nuts getting stuff that way.
and that's my life today. my kitchen is a mess and i have to cook the ribs i have been forgetting about for supper tonight. but i only have one load of clean laundry waiting for me to fold and disperse and i feel good about things like that.
Monday, February 10, 2014
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
The definition of rainbow
Boy, what a pretentious title. Geez. Well, judging by that, folks, you are in for a treat. Its been like two months since we were last gathered here. Norah was turning 1 and it was hard, a hard time. We got through it, stronger than before. It was like grief turning full circle, it felt so fresh and raw again. But with lots of prayer and support and just that whole daily going about life thing, we made it. I feel lots more peace about our path to parenthood.
Of course the news that we were up for round 2 didn't hurt that one bit. We found out about our next baby, whom we have dubbed "Smalls", about mid-November. There was joy right off. A strange sense of this is so the right thing and how awesome is this. Then the whole holy crap for a couple of months we will have two under two (Norah will be almost 21mos at my due date) settled in. And the realization that I will be out numbered during the day and I don't put it past Jay's and my kids to stage some kind of revolt fairly early in life. But its been mostly joy. Its odd, and we talked about it and agreed, somehow this feels more grownup and more "we are a family of our own" more than the girls' pregnancy did.
Don't get me wrong, there is fear. Heaven above, is there fear. Fear that leads me to gasp, how could we have done this again, what if, what if.... Standard first trimester fears are slowly diminishing, but I did have spotting again which was terrifying, again. We had some doctor problems that added to this stress. Our wonderful, supportive doc from last time moved away with a church plant. Wonderful that he and his family are following God's plan but bummer for us finding someone new who will kind of keep our history in mind. That was the trouble with the last office, it was just like I couldn't convince them that my fears are not irrational given our history. But that's resolved and we have a new doc who I feel like will listen. I've only seen his like PA (I think she was his PA), but once I told her all of our story, she said she thinks he will be a good fit for us. To answer the inevitable question, it will be several more weeks before we have an ultrasound that can check for any issues. And that is the only time I will answer that question or address this.
So here I sit, 11 weeks pregnant with a fig called Smalls (fig is the size of the baby this week and I get eternal enjoyment out of the fruit and veggie comparisons). And I understand "rainbow baby". I get it. I didn't before, not really. Its not just that there is hope after a tragedy or that God can give blessings that can lift you up from such grief. And its not moving on and letting go of the baby that was taken Home. Its the thought, that little moment realizing that you love this baby growing inside you just as much as you love the child you have here in your arms and the child waiting in Jesus's arms for you to get there. And then the thought follows, or it did for me, that if Aislynn hadn't been destined for Heaven sooner then the rest of us, we wouldn't have this baby here growing now. We wouldn't be adding this newly created soul to our family while Norah is this young. Bam. Woah. It threw me for a loop. I couldn't change our situation, I can't even imagine how life could have been different with both girls here without giving up this new life starting to make me out grow my jeans again. And I couldn't give up my Smalls, neither Jay or I could. And that is a rainbow baby. A baby so precious and so loved that you can feel more peace about the baby whisked away to God's side just so that you could experience both tiny lives. At least, that's what it means for me.
Prayer would be appreciated, for rest and faith and health, of course. But my biggest prayer has been that we get to have a normal, boring pregnancy that we all can enjoy. That I get to be full term and, since I'm due July 21st, that I'm horribly huge on my birthday the 8th. Side note: I'm excited as all get-out that I'll get to make use of my maternity swimsuit.
Thank you in advance for making this journey with us.
Of course the news that we were up for round 2 didn't hurt that one bit. We found out about our next baby, whom we have dubbed "Smalls", about mid-November. There was joy right off. A strange sense of this is so the right thing and how awesome is this. Then the whole holy crap for a couple of months we will have two under two (Norah will be almost 21mos at my due date) settled in. And the realization that I will be out numbered during the day and I don't put it past Jay's and my kids to stage some kind of revolt fairly early in life. But its been mostly joy. Its odd, and we talked about it and agreed, somehow this feels more grownup and more "we are a family of our own" more than the girls' pregnancy did.
Don't get me wrong, there is fear. Heaven above, is there fear. Fear that leads me to gasp, how could we have done this again, what if, what if.... Standard first trimester fears are slowly diminishing, but I did have spotting again which was terrifying, again. We had some doctor problems that added to this stress. Our wonderful, supportive doc from last time moved away with a church plant. Wonderful that he and his family are following God's plan but bummer for us finding someone new who will kind of keep our history in mind. That was the trouble with the last office, it was just like I couldn't convince them that my fears are not irrational given our history. But that's resolved and we have a new doc who I feel like will listen. I've only seen his like PA (I think she was his PA), but once I told her all of our story, she said she thinks he will be a good fit for us. To answer the inevitable question, it will be several more weeks before we have an ultrasound that can check for any issues. And that is the only time I will answer that question or address this.
So here I sit, 11 weeks pregnant with a fig called Smalls (fig is the size of the baby this week and I get eternal enjoyment out of the fruit and veggie comparisons). And I understand "rainbow baby". I get it. I didn't before, not really. Its not just that there is hope after a tragedy or that God can give blessings that can lift you up from such grief. And its not moving on and letting go of the baby that was taken Home. Its the thought, that little moment realizing that you love this baby growing inside you just as much as you love the child you have here in your arms and the child waiting in Jesus's arms for you to get there. And then the thought follows, or it did for me, that if Aislynn hadn't been destined for Heaven sooner then the rest of us, we wouldn't have this baby here growing now. We wouldn't be adding this newly created soul to our family while Norah is this young. Bam. Woah. It threw me for a loop. I couldn't change our situation, I can't even imagine how life could have been different with both girls here without giving up this new life starting to make me out grow my jeans again. And I couldn't give up my Smalls, neither Jay or I could. And that is a rainbow baby. A baby so precious and so loved that you can feel more peace about the baby whisked away to God's side just so that you could experience both tiny lives. At least, that's what it means for me.
Prayer would be appreciated, for rest and faith and health, of course. But my biggest prayer has been that we get to have a normal, boring pregnancy that we all can enjoy. That I get to be full term and, since I'm due July 21st, that I'm horribly huge on my birthday the 8th. Side note: I'm excited as all get-out that I'll get to make use of my maternity swimsuit.
Thank you in advance for making this journey with us.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Happy Birthdays
I'm struggling so hard with how to begin this. Its like I get the middle of these posts all worked out in my head but how to start that just escapes me. Norah Hazel will be a year old tomorrow. Craziness. Utter craziness. I'm baking a birthday cake as I type this (I was about to put "as we speak" but it occurred to me that I'm not speaking). I have a pink tutu on a box in front of me for her to wear at her party. Nuts. I am so excited to give her her very first cupcake tomorrow at home with just us and see her reaction to her birthday candle and sing happy birthday to her and see her open her gifts from me and her dad. I have been just dying to give her her presents. It is unbelievable that she went from a tiny tiny baby to this rough playing, standing up, squealing, silly face making, crazy child in just 12 short months. She is the happiest child I think I have ever seen. And she loves to cuddle and be close, which just makes mommy feel awesome. She loves Sesame Street which for some reason makes me feel successful as a parent. She loves her blocks and stuffed kitty cat and her truck. Jay cut the cord off of an old old xbox controller and she adores her video game like daddy has. She is silly and wonderful and sometimes trying but overall just the most amazing child I have ever seen. I am proud to be her mother.
We am picking out pictures of Aislynn to have at the birthday party. I tied matching tulle on her heartbeat lamb because I can't make her a tutu. I don't get to see her eat cake. I don't get to give her presents. I have to wait a lifetime to see her play and hear her voice. But her life has value. I am proud to be her mother. I am proud to have carried her. And I am proud that we were strong enough to be joyful with her in the moments she spent on this earth. I am honored that we got to see her all the way through her journey. That sounds so right, doesn't it? Like exactly what I'm supposed to say to show how strong I am and how much faith I have and show everyone that its all okay.
Well, I don't always feel like any of that. Its always true, every word of it is always true, but I don't always feel like saying it. Sometimes I'm pretty pissed that she's not here. I feel like she was stolen from us, our twin girls, this image I had in my mind when they told me we were having twins, was ripped from us unjustly. Sometimes I can't even make it through a church service and spend most of it sobbing my guts out on a couch in the bathroom. I am haunted by the thoughts of "this time last year." This time last year I think I was about to be moved out of Labor and Delivery and over to Antepartum in the hospital. And I have been doing that for three days. I think part of me is not only mourning Aislynn but the abrupt end to my time carrying them. It was so sudden, I had a lovely baby shower and then bam! they are coming and its to early and I'm not ready for any of this, least of all to have to tell Aislynn goodbye. I ache with longing to hold both of my girls. Today, that voice is screaming that this isn't fair.
But I go on. Its so cliche to say but I have to go on. I have a cake cooling so I can use the same pan to make another (its a small cake pan for her smash cake and my mom only has the one but its what I wanted so I do this the long way). Then I have some cupcakes to make too for our little party. I have to find letter stencils and make sure I remember to buy apples and cut little felt circles. Its not all grief and pain, its unbelievably large amounts of crazy hopeful joyfulness. I can't imagine our lives any different, for all that I try to. I will try to remember last year with joy, and I will focus on the happiness both our girls have brought us. And now I will finish a birthday cake.
Happy birthday, Norah Hazel.
Happy birthday, Aislynn Marie and Happy anniversary in Heaven, baby girl.
We am picking out pictures of Aislynn to have at the birthday party. I tied matching tulle on her heartbeat lamb because I can't make her a tutu. I don't get to see her eat cake. I don't get to give her presents. I have to wait a lifetime to see her play and hear her voice. But her life has value. I am proud to be her mother. I am proud to have carried her. And I am proud that we were strong enough to be joyful with her in the moments she spent on this earth. I am honored that we got to see her all the way through her journey. That sounds so right, doesn't it? Like exactly what I'm supposed to say to show how strong I am and how much faith I have and show everyone that its all okay.
Well, I don't always feel like any of that. Its always true, every word of it is always true, but I don't always feel like saying it. Sometimes I'm pretty pissed that she's not here. I feel like she was stolen from us, our twin girls, this image I had in my mind when they told me we were having twins, was ripped from us unjustly. Sometimes I can't even make it through a church service and spend most of it sobbing my guts out on a couch in the bathroom. I am haunted by the thoughts of "this time last year." This time last year I think I was about to be moved out of Labor and Delivery and over to Antepartum in the hospital. And I have been doing that for three days. I think part of me is not only mourning Aislynn but the abrupt end to my time carrying them. It was so sudden, I had a lovely baby shower and then bam! they are coming and its to early and I'm not ready for any of this, least of all to have to tell Aislynn goodbye. I ache with longing to hold both of my girls. Today, that voice is screaming that this isn't fair.
But I go on. Its so cliche to say but I have to go on. I have a cake cooling so I can use the same pan to make another (its a small cake pan for her smash cake and my mom only has the one but its what I wanted so I do this the long way). Then I have some cupcakes to make too for our little party. I have to find letter stencils and make sure I remember to buy apples and cut little felt circles. Its not all grief and pain, its unbelievably large amounts of crazy hopeful joyfulness. I can't imagine our lives any different, for all that I try to. I will try to remember last year with joy, and I will focus on the happiness both our girls have brought us. And now I will finish a birthday cake.
Happy birthday, Norah Hazel.
Happy birthday, Aislynn Marie and Happy anniversary in Heaven, baby girl.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Sandwich (aka Destiny sucks at titles for her blog posts)
Okay so I don't want for this to be a downer post so I'll make it a serious stuff sandwich. Let's start with something entirely pedestrian and done for ironic effect: the weather! How awesome is this cool weather? It's like a reminder, a promise that fall is indeed on its way bringing that wondrous gift, open windows.
First part of the sandwich, done. Now for something that has been weighing on me to say for a while. Thankfully I haven't had to deal with the death of a parent or sibling, so I can't speak to how that feels. But I have lost two children. Yes, two. And I didn't really even know how to miss the first miscarried little baby until we buried our beautiful Aislynn. Time does start to lessen the razor edge of grief, at least it has for me over the last nearly 10 months since I last felt my girl move within me and then held her little body. But I think that when you lose a child, no matter how long you had this child...days, weeks, months or years...no matter whether you held them in your arms or only held them within your body, I think there is always a voice yelling in the back of your mind that it isn't right, it isn't fair that this soul was taken. Some days the voice can be barely heard, and others it seems to be the only thing filling my head. I can even go days without even hearing it at all. But it is there. I think this is because something in our hearts, something whispered into our very souls when we were still in the womb, and we know that this world is not what was intended for us. So I send a hug out to every mother who has to wait a little longer to hold her babies again. The babies we have here are a constant source of joy but that doesn't mean we don't ache for the babies we are waiting to cuddle.
Now, part the last. Norah has decided to start sleeping in and I'm not sure I like it. Crazy, right? She goes to bed around 8pm-ish, still gets up at night (thank you teething and separation anxiety stage) but has decided not to get up until like 8am! I really need to start setting a non-baby alarm so that I can take advantage this. It just feels so odd to be eating breakfast at 830 after I had gotten used to being back from our walk and nearing nap time 830am. Now nap time has gotten moved to like 1030ish making lunch time whenever this sleepy head wakes up. It is right now 1pm and she is still napping. Late lunches mean late afternoon naps, at like 4pm and then I have to wake her up at like 530 just so she is awake enough to eat supper and get wore out playing again by bed time. And for those who would encourage me to try to skip an afternoon nap to make sure she is plenty tired at bedtime and sleeps through the night, I thumb my nose at you. We tried that yesterday, even went to a lovely friend's house to play and change up the scenery. She got up three times last night, four if you count when I laid her back down at 440am and then had to get back up at 450am to help her back to sleep. Only one of those was a bottle, 3am. And if I try the whole "cry it out" business, it just means I have to change the sheets cause she cries so hard she vomits and then the night is over.
On a more pleasant note, this little daredevil has really discovered she likes to be left to her own devices so she can show mommy how ill-prepared the house was for a mobile baby. It almost feels like she wakes up in the morning with the goal of breaking her nose or getting a concussion. But she still crawls over for cuddles. She is the cuddliest baby I have ever seen. She gives gentle little head-butts when we're holding her, especially for her daddy, and is even starting to give kisses, but only randomly, not when asked. She gives hugs when we pick her up out of her bed by laying her head on our shoulder for a moment. She smiles at me when we are rocking and I start to sing one of her songs. Norah would rather have just something bit of household something to play with than most of her toys. She is a demon in her rolling-walker thing and the cats are not fond of this at all. Nor are mommy and daddy's toes. But she would still rather be on the floor to see how much cat hair she can find mommy has missed with the broom. Norah gets all excited when either of her grandma's are on the phone. It is so neat to see her face light up when she hears their voices. She knows her daddy's ringtone on my phone and if she hears it, the conversation must be put on speaker so she can hear daddy's voice. In just two and a half months my little baby will be a whole year old. Planning a birthday party seems so surreal and like normal mom-ness, that it is strange to think that this is me doing it.
Well, I think that's this sammich done. Hope it was good and causes no indigestion ;)
And there she is, right on cue, how does she do that?
First part of the sandwich, done. Now for something that has been weighing on me to say for a while. Thankfully I haven't had to deal with the death of a parent or sibling, so I can't speak to how that feels. But I have lost two children. Yes, two. And I didn't really even know how to miss the first miscarried little baby until we buried our beautiful Aislynn. Time does start to lessen the razor edge of grief, at least it has for me over the last nearly 10 months since I last felt my girl move within me and then held her little body. But I think that when you lose a child, no matter how long you had this child...days, weeks, months or years...no matter whether you held them in your arms or only held them within your body, I think there is always a voice yelling in the back of your mind that it isn't right, it isn't fair that this soul was taken. Some days the voice can be barely heard, and others it seems to be the only thing filling my head. I can even go days without even hearing it at all. But it is there. I think this is because something in our hearts, something whispered into our very souls when we were still in the womb, and we know that this world is not what was intended for us. So I send a hug out to every mother who has to wait a little longer to hold her babies again. The babies we have here are a constant source of joy but that doesn't mean we don't ache for the babies we are waiting to cuddle.
Now, part the last. Norah has decided to start sleeping in and I'm not sure I like it. Crazy, right? She goes to bed around 8pm-ish, still gets up at night (thank you teething and separation anxiety stage) but has decided not to get up until like 8am! I really need to start setting a non-baby alarm so that I can take advantage this. It just feels so odd to be eating breakfast at 830 after I had gotten used to being back from our walk and nearing nap time 830am. Now nap time has gotten moved to like 1030ish making lunch time whenever this sleepy head wakes up. It is right now 1pm and she is still napping. Late lunches mean late afternoon naps, at like 4pm and then I have to wake her up at like 530 just so she is awake enough to eat supper and get wore out playing again by bed time. And for those who would encourage me to try to skip an afternoon nap to make sure she is plenty tired at bedtime and sleeps through the night, I thumb my nose at you. We tried that yesterday, even went to a lovely friend's house to play and change up the scenery. She got up three times last night, four if you count when I laid her back down at 440am and then had to get back up at 450am to help her back to sleep. Only one of those was a bottle, 3am. And if I try the whole "cry it out" business, it just means I have to change the sheets cause she cries so hard she vomits and then the night is over.
On a more pleasant note, this little daredevil has really discovered she likes to be left to her own devices so she can show mommy how ill-prepared the house was for a mobile baby. It almost feels like she wakes up in the morning with the goal of breaking her nose or getting a concussion. But she still crawls over for cuddles. She is the cuddliest baby I have ever seen. She gives gentle little head-butts when we're holding her, especially for her daddy, and is even starting to give kisses, but only randomly, not when asked. She gives hugs when we pick her up out of her bed by laying her head on our shoulder for a moment. She smiles at me when we are rocking and I start to sing one of her songs. Norah would rather have just something bit of household something to play with than most of her toys. She is a demon in her rolling-walker thing and the cats are not fond of this at all. Nor are mommy and daddy's toes. But she would still rather be on the floor to see how much cat hair she can find mommy has missed with the broom. Norah gets all excited when either of her grandma's are on the phone. It is so neat to see her face light up when she hears their voices. She knows her daddy's ringtone on my phone and if she hears it, the conversation must be put on speaker so she can hear daddy's voice. In just two and a half months my little baby will be a whole year old. Planning a birthday party seems so surreal and like normal mom-ness, that it is strange to think that this is me doing it.
Well, I think that's this sammich done. Hope it was good and causes no indigestion ;)
And there she is, right on cue, how does she do that?
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Unstuffed Cabbage Rolls (the real kind)
Here is my version of unstuffed cabbage rolls. Cabbage rolls are supposed to be in a kind of sweet and sour tomato sauce and that other recipe didn't have that. I worked this version out two nights ago for supper and it was so good.
Ingredients:
1 1/2 pounds ground beef
1 large onion, chopped
1 small cabbage, chopped
28oz can crushed tomatoes
1/2 tsp salt
1/8 tsp ground black pepper
1/4 tsp garlic powder
1/8 tsp ground cloves
4 tbsp light brown sugar
3 tbsp lemon juice
Preparation:
In a small stock pot, sauté ground beef and onions until ground beef is browned through, drain if needed. Add chopped cabbage and sauté until cabbage starts to soften, about 3-5 minutes.
Add tomatoes, salt, pepper, garlic powder, cloves, brown sugar. Bring to simmer over medium high heat then reduce heat to low, stirring occasionally. Add lemon juice. Simmer for 20 to 30 minutes until cabbage is tender. Serve over rice (and by rice, I mean good buttered rice).
[Notes: I say use a stock pot because my cabbage was probably more medium than small but we really like cabbage and cabbage is cheap and an excellent way to stretch a meal and make it huge. But if your cabbage is actually small, a good big deep sided skillet would work. And if cloves aren't your thing, nutmeg or even cinnamon would be good in this, too. I use any of the three for regular cabbage rolls.]
Enjoy!!!
Friday, July 12, 2013
July 11th and our Big Girl
This is not going to be perhaps the happiest of posts. Not that I'm feeling that maudlin today, I just feel the need to note the day. Well, note yesterday, that is. Yesterday was July 11th. Jay's bestest friend Rob's birthday (Muy Happy Birthday, Roberto (tardio)). But its also the date that last year we found out that one of our babies was not going to stay here with us. We didn't even know they were girls yet. We had been hoping to find out on that day at St. Francis but instead the doctor saw something wrong. His reaction was terrible. I'm sure he's usually a good doctor but his bedside manner on that day was horrible. He didn't tell us well and then made me feel like I was overreacting for instantly bursting into tears when he wanted to double check his diagnosis. We did talk to our OB while in the office with the doctor in Cape. My main question for him, and I remember exactly what I said, "I just don't see how the other can be fine if the one is...." and I trailed off. He reassured me that we would find out more and do everything we could to make sure our other baby was healthy. It would be another nine days until we would find out they were girls and it was Norah I was so worried about and Aislynn to whom we would say goodbye far too soon.
We sat in the hallway after the appointment. I sobbed, Jay was fighting it back to be strong for me. I had to run back into the office to be sick in the bathroom. The nurse who had been so wonderful while the doctor was so terrible came in and basically held me upright while my world shattered and came up from my stomach. Her name we Betsy and she even called that evening, after she was off work, just to make sure we had made it home okay.
The following days and weeks were just survival and doctor's appointments. We found such support during that time. Our doctor opened his heart to us and helped us see that everything we were feeling was fine. One of my unexpected breakdown moments came the following Monday. Our doctor's appointment with Dr. Meyer, our wonderful OB, had been on a Friday. I got a phone call on my way home from work on Monday from Dr. Meyer's nurse, Jen, saying that my ketones had been too high on Friday and she wanted me to come in right then to have that tested. If they were still so high, I would need IV fluids and have to stay there for at least a few hours. I lost it. For those playing the home game, when the body is not being fed enough carbohydrates, it starts digesting body fat. Ketones are the byproduct of that process and are very bad for growing babies. And I felt like I may have been further harming my poor babies. My ketones were actually fine when they tested them and Jen let me cry for a while sitting outside the lab room while she just sat there.
I'm not sure why I suddenly found the need to recount those days for you. Hope you don't mind. I wasn't as sad yesterday as I was afraid I would be. Its not only that I miss Aislynn, and oh my do I miss my girl. I also miss that feeling before we knew. Before we knew how bittersweet having our girls would be.
But how do we carry on? We carry on by taking care of what Aislynn gave us: Norah, our huge healthy girl. When I last weighed her at my mom's house for the purposes of figuring out Tylenol dosage, she was 21 lbs. Dude, right? And because when we registered for a car seat we had no idea to check for weight limits, we are now looking at buying a new one that will convert to forward facing when she is ready for that. On my birthday, Monday I walked into the living room, having been summoned by my fussy girl's displeasure at my absence, and I find this child sitting up. Like sitting up on her own, having gotten that way on her own. She is doing this kind of side-winder scooting crawl thing to move around the room and had been half sitting, propped up on one arm thing for a while. But now today she is acting like sitting is no big deal. Have we had some head thumps on the floor? Yes. We have even christened the entertainment center with a good head thump. But she is sitting up. I am very proud. Even though I know she hasn't really grown that much in the last week but she looks so much bigger sitting up on her own with her two teeth and silly sounds. Aislynn must be so proud of her sister. Jay and I sure are.
We sat in the hallway after the appointment. I sobbed, Jay was fighting it back to be strong for me. I had to run back into the office to be sick in the bathroom. The nurse who had been so wonderful while the doctor was so terrible came in and basically held me upright while my world shattered and came up from my stomach. Her name we Betsy and she even called that evening, after she was off work, just to make sure we had made it home okay.
The following days and weeks were just survival and doctor's appointments. We found such support during that time. Our doctor opened his heart to us and helped us see that everything we were feeling was fine. One of my unexpected breakdown moments came the following Monday. Our doctor's appointment with Dr. Meyer, our wonderful OB, had been on a Friday. I got a phone call on my way home from work on Monday from Dr. Meyer's nurse, Jen, saying that my ketones had been too high on Friday and she wanted me to come in right then to have that tested. If they were still so high, I would need IV fluids and have to stay there for at least a few hours. I lost it. For those playing the home game, when the body is not being fed enough carbohydrates, it starts digesting body fat. Ketones are the byproduct of that process and are very bad for growing babies. And I felt like I may have been further harming my poor babies. My ketones were actually fine when they tested them and Jen let me cry for a while sitting outside the lab room while she just sat there.
I'm not sure why I suddenly found the need to recount those days for you. Hope you don't mind. I wasn't as sad yesterday as I was afraid I would be. Its not only that I miss Aislynn, and oh my do I miss my girl. I also miss that feeling before we knew. Before we knew how bittersweet having our girls would be.
But how do we carry on? We carry on by taking care of what Aislynn gave us: Norah, our huge healthy girl. When I last weighed her at my mom's house for the purposes of figuring out Tylenol dosage, she was 21 lbs. Dude, right? And because when we registered for a car seat we had no idea to check for weight limits, we are now looking at buying a new one that will convert to forward facing when she is ready for that. On my birthday, Monday I walked into the living room, having been summoned by my fussy girl's displeasure at my absence, and I find this child sitting up. Like sitting up on her own, having gotten that way on her own. She is doing this kind of side-winder scooting crawl thing to move around the room and had been half sitting, propped up on one arm thing for a while. But now today she is acting like sitting is no big deal. Have we had some head thumps on the floor? Yes. We have even christened the entertainment center with a good head thump. But she is sitting up. I am very proud. Even though I know she hasn't really grown that much in the last week but she looks so much bigger sitting up on her own with her two teeth and silly sounds. Aislynn must be so proud of her sister. Jay and I sure are.
Friday, June 14, 2013
Lots of stuff.....hang in there with me
So it turns out that being a mom leaves little time to write blog things, who knew? :)
So food has become like a big thing. We are up to three nice real meals like big people, breakfast, lunch, and supper with around three bottles milk mixed in. And she really likes it. Peaches wasn't a big winner the other day but it was the first time so we'll give it another go another time. And applesauce is a surprise fave after the horrible first time she had it. She loves her veggies most, though. She even likes her oatmeal and rice cereal. She gets oatmeal for breakfast with fruit, lunch is veggies with a little bit of fruit if she wants, and then veggies and pruney rice for supper. Ahh pruney rice. You see I read somewhere that rice cereal especially can cause some poopy problems and Norah is already a bit prone to have such issues, so we fix it with making the rice with prune juice. But the child doesn't like it just made with prune juice, she wants both the milk in it and prune juice. I know sounds totally gross but she likes it and it well, not to put too fine a point on it, it keeps things movin'.
We also have a big announcement to make. Norah has a tooth! Her bottom front right one. She had been having a terrible time a couple of weeks ago, like horrible. So horrible I was ready to conclude I had suddenly become a horrible mother. Then, exactly one week after Memorial Day, she wanted to chew on my finger, like she has been for a while, and it felt like she had a very sharp rock in there. It hurt! But I was very happy/relieved that there was a purpose to all we went through. Now I am handling her crazy screaming crying and anger with more "Melinda-style" calmness and humor because I know what it wrong and it isn't me.
She is starting to work on the crawling thing, too. She gets up on her hands and knees, or more often elbows and knees but then her knees slide down and she goes backwards. Its kind of sad/funny to watch her get so irritated that the toy she wants is getting farther away from her. That is until she realizes that she had hit the hardwood and can now just scoot herself around. Its kind of like a game to pop into the kitchen and come back and have to find the baby.
She laughs all the time now. And the poor child has inherited my laugh. It has been confirmed both by her father and by my best friend. I can't even really describe it, maybe one of the previously mentioned parties can describe it but it is my laugh. It is cuter on her than it is on me though.
What else, umm...I've been yard sale-ing and even got to haggle with a very nice lady for some wooden blocks and she let me have them for what I asked. Go me. I got lots of clothes for her, mostly for the future cause I feel grown up when I do stuff like that. I think I am planning on moving all of our movies into a CD case thing and maybe use the entertainment center for some of her toys and books. I had to buy an 18 month swimsuit to fit my long torso-ed baby girl. I have a toaster oven in my living room still in the box because even though I know it won't fit in our kitchen I want it bad enough that I still can't admit it.
So with this blog I have opened up lots of my life and I think have benefited from it. So here is the gate opening to a mine field (be gentle). I have been walking with Norah like four or five days a week, whenever we can. I actually only gained like 6lbs above my pre-pregnancy weight while carrying the girls (thank you morning sickness that lasted all day for months) so when I had them, I lost like 40lbs very fast. And I have kept that off. I know, shouldn't be that big of a deal but I have kept it off while being home with snacks near to me. As of my last drs appt, I have even lost a couple of more. This needs to be like the church thing, where nobody says too much, I just get to open up about it. I like walking with her, even bought a pedometer so I can make sure I walk as far as I intend to. The stroller my grandparents bought us is sure getting lots of use. So there's that. I just wanted to write it down somewhere so that it was in the world. I don't have any real goals that will make me crazy and sabotage my self worth even more than it's already damaged, I just am going to go on long walks with my daughter at a fairly brisk pace and try not to only eat cookies we get home. That is all.
And I think that's all I got for now. Thanks for reading. Now stand up! Everybody do the Hot Dog Dance! Hot dog hot dog hot diggity dog! We got it ears, its time for cheers! Hot dog hot dog, oh problem soollllved!!! Hot dog hot dog hot diggity dog.....
So food has become like a big thing. We are up to three nice real meals like big people, breakfast, lunch, and supper with around three bottles milk mixed in. And she really likes it. Peaches wasn't a big winner the other day but it was the first time so we'll give it another go another time. And applesauce is a surprise fave after the horrible first time she had it. She loves her veggies most, though. She even likes her oatmeal and rice cereal. She gets oatmeal for breakfast with fruit, lunch is veggies with a little bit of fruit if she wants, and then veggies and pruney rice for supper. Ahh pruney rice. You see I read somewhere that rice cereal especially can cause some poopy problems and Norah is already a bit prone to have such issues, so we fix it with making the rice with prune juice. But the child doesn't like it just made with prune juice, she wants both the milk in it and prune juice. I know sounds totally gross but she likes it and it well, not to put too fine a point on it, it keeps things movin'.
We also have a big announcement to make. Norah has a tooth! Her bottom front right one. She had been having a terrible time a couple of weeks ago, like horrible. So horrible I was ready to conclude I had suddenly become a horrible mother. Then, exactly one week after Memorial Day, she wanted to chew on my finger, like she has been for a while, and it felt like she had a very sharp rock in there. It hurt! But I was very happy/relieved that there was a purpose to all we went through. Now I am handling her crazy screaming crying and anger with more "Melinda-style" calmness and humor because I know what it wrong and it isn't me.
She is starting to work on the crawling thing, too. She gets up on her hands and knees, or more often elbows and knees but then her knees slide down and she goes backwards. Its kind of sad/funny to watch her get so irritated that the toy she wants is getting farther away from her. That is until she realizes that she had hit the hardwood and can now just scoot herself around. Its kind of like a game to pop into the kitchen and come back and have to find the baby.
She laughs all the time now. And the poor child has inherited my laugh. It has been confirmed both by her father and by my best friend. I can't even really describe it, maybe one of the previously mentioned parties can describe it but it is my laugh. It is cuter on her than it is on me though.
What else, umm...I've been yard sale-ing and even got to haggle with a very nice lady for some wooden blocks and she let me have them for what I asked. Go me. I got lots of clothes for her, mostly for the future cause I feel grown up when I do stuff like that. I think I am planning on moving all of our movies into a CD case thing and maybe use the entertainment center for some of her toys and books. I had to buy an 18 month swimsuit to fit my long torso-ed baby girl. I have a toaster oven in my living room still in the box because even though I know it won't fit in our kitchen I want it bad enough that I still can't admit it.
So with this blog I have opened up lots of my life and I think have benefited from it. So here is the gate opening to a mine field (be gentle). I have been walking with Norah like four or five days a week, whenever we can. I actually only gained like 6lbs above my pre-pregnancy weight while carrying the girls (thank you morning sickness that lasted all day for months) so when I had them, I lost like 40lbs very fast. And I have kept that off. I know, shouldn't be that big of a deal but I have kept it off while being home with snacks near to me. As of my last drs appt, I have even lost a couple of more. This needs to be like the church thing, where nobody says too much, I just get to open up about it. I like walking with her, even bought a pedometer so I can make sure I walk as far as I intend to. The stroller my grandparents bought us is sure getting lots of use. So there's that. I just wanted to write it down somewhere so that it was in the world. I don't have any real goals that will make me crazy and sabotage my self worth even more than it's already damaged, I just am going to go on long walks with my daughter at a fairly brisk pace and try not to only eat cookies we get home. That is all.
And I think that's all I got for now. Thanks for reading. Now stand up! Everybody do the Hot Dog Dance! Hot dog hot dog hot diggity dog! We got it ears, its time for cheers! Hot dog hot dog, oh problem soollllved!!! Hot dog hot dog hot diggity dog.....
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