Surreal

30weeks and 4days.  That's how pregnant I am as of this morning.  Crazy.  Really crazy.  When I was a child, I was fascinated with the idea of pregnancy and as a young(er) adult I wondered like crazy about what I would look like and feel, but mostly how being pregnant would feel.

The answer?  Surreal.  I look down at my ever expanding (by the second it seems) belly and get this kind of out of body, "holy crap this is really for real" feeling.  Watching Jay work so hard to refinish the dressers we are going to use and then fill with actual baby clothes for an actual baby, a spawn of Jay and Destiny is kind of surreal.  Of course, in our case, real life intrudes with the thought of how I need to call and make sure we have arrangements in place for when Aislynn's mission on Earth is finished and God takes her Home.  And that sucks.  But I think we have thus far been successful in our goal of keeping the pregnancy joyful.  In fact, I know we have.

Every so often Jay will press his ear to my belly just to see what he can hear.  Usually it is a kind of whooshing noise, he says, like listening to some one move under water.  But on Sunday night our Aislynn was pressed just so against the outside of my belly and Jay got to hear her little heartbeat.  Norah was too far away but Aislynn was showing off to her Daddy.

Jay cracks up laughing at me when I pout when I hit my belly with a door because I thought I had enough clearance to close it.  And it is pretty funny.  Watching me heave myself off the couch is pretty darn funny, too.  I bump into things and bounce off of them because I thought I had just that one more step to take.  And this is too funny.  Norah is our Baby B so she usually is the one up high under my ribs.  When I try to fold my hands and rest them on top of my belly or rest my cup there (cause I can), Norah kicks it.  She kicks what ever is pressing on the top of her "house".  And she does it so consistently that it can't just be a coincidence.  She is gonna be trouble, I just know it.  And I can't wait.

That brings me to my next battle I'm facing.  I am getting a tad uncomfy.  My hips are protesting this whole expanding thing but most of all it is how my belly just aches because I'm growing so very fast.  I get out of bed earlier than I want on the weekend because it hurts too bad to lay down any more.  And by the time I get home during the week even finally getting to lay down takes a bit to feel better as my super sore, achy belly tries to relax in a better position.  This of course brings up the standard "I'm ready to not be pregnant anymore" feeling.  But in our case it is so, so much more complicated.  Every time I have that passing thought of how much longer I have, I am wracked with guilt over wishing away the time our Aislynn has here.  If I could be pregnant forever to keep her here with us, I probably would take that option.  While she is inside me, she is safer and I can help her.  But once she is born, it's like an hourglass gets turned over and her time with us here becomes so limited.  I know Norah will get to stay with us, but I am going to miss Aislynn so much.  So I'm struggling with those feelings right now as my belly expands and I learn how to cope with my achy pregnant body.

But we are still managing this and even though it is getting harder as the weeks to our girls' birth get shorter, we are determined to feel just as much joy as we do sorrow.  Jay keeps threatening to buy some ping pong balls to toss at me just to see if they'll stay in orbit around my girth.  Just thought that was a nice visual for you on this Tuesday morning.  :)