30weeks and 4days. That's how pregnant I am as of this morning. Crazy. Really crazy. When I was a child, I was fascinated with the idea of pregnancy and as a young(er) adult I wondered like crazy about what I would look like and feel, but mostly how being pregnant would feel.
The answer? Surreal. I look down at my ever expanding (by the second it seems) belly and get this kind of out of body, "holy crap this is really for real" feeling. Watching Jay work so hard to refinish the dressers we are going to use and then fill with actual baby clothes for an actual baby, a spawn of Jay and Destiny is kind of surreal. Of course, in our case, real life intrudes with the thought of how I need to call and make sure we have arrangements in place for when Aislynn's mission on Earth is finished and God takes her Home. And that sucks. But I think we have thus far been successful in our goal of keeping the pregnancy joyful. In fact, I know we have.
Every so often Jay will press his ear to my belly just to see what he can hear. Usually it is a kind of whooshing noise, he says, like listening to some one move under water. But on Sunday night our Aislynn was pressed just so against the outside of my belly and Jay got to hear her little heartbeat. Norah was too far away but Aislynn was showing off to her Daddy.
Jay cracks up laughing at me when I pout when I hit my belly with a door because I thought I had enough clearance to close it. And it is pretty funny. Watching me heave myself off the couch is pretty darn funny, too. I bump into things and bounce off of them because I thought I had just that one more step to take. And this is too funny. Norah is our Baby B so she usually is the one up high under my ribs. When I try to fold my hands and rest them on top of my belly or rest my cup there (cause I can), Norah kicks it. She kicks what ever is pressing on the top of her "house". And she does it so consistently that it can't just be a coincidence. She is gonna be trouble, I just know it. And I can't wait.
That brings me to my next battle I'm facing. I am getting a tad uncomfy. My hips are protesting this whole expanding thing but most of all it is how my belly just aches because I'm growing so very fast. I get out of bed earlier than I want on the weekend because it hurts too bad to lay down any more. And by the time I get home during the week even finally getting to lay down takes a bit to feel better as my super sore, achy belly tries to relax in a better position. This of course brings up the standard "I'm ready to not be pregnant anymore" feeling. But in our case it is so, so much more complicated. Every time I have that passing thought of how much longer I have, I am wracked with guilt over wishing away the time our Aislynn has here. If I could be pregnant forever to keep her here with us, I probably would take that option. While she is inside me, she is safer and I can help her. But once she is born, it's like an hourglass gets turned over and her time with us here becomes so limited. I know Norah will get to stay with us, but I am going to miss Aislynn so much. So I'm struggling with those feelings right now as my belly expands and I learn how to cope with my achy pregnant body.
But we are still managing this and even though it is getting harder as the weeks to our girls' birth get shorter, we are determined to feel just as much joy as we do sorrow. Jay keeps threatening to buy some ping pong balls to toss at me just to see if they'll stay in orbit around my girth. Just thought that was a nice visual for you on this Tuesday morning. :)
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Friday, September 21, 2012
Awe
Hmmm.... so I had this thought this morning, "I should write a new blog post so I feel important!" And now that I'm sitting at a keyboard and my fingers are doing typing things, I find I don't have too much exciting to say. We did choose a color for Norah's room. It is a lovely shade of periwinkle. And I do love it. I had my freak out moments. Like when I got home from work and Jay had painted the color on the walls as a surprise to get it done and up for me. I had a freak out because I was not emotionally prepared to see the walls change colors. I know, completely mental but I'm pregnant and for now the crazy must be accepted. He even had to prove to me that it wasn't "too purple" by getting a couple of my purple shirts and holding them up to the wall to show me that if we (or she someday) wanted to hang purple stuff on the walls, it wouldn't look like just an obsession with purple.
My lovely boss at work is getting us the tree decal we wanted for the wall as a baby shower gift. She is a unique kind of hippie-ish artist, engineer-type person and is just so thrilled that I'm doing something "so out there for me" like putting a tree on a wall, that she insisted that got to be her gift. She has also been commenting on how being pregnant has introduced more color to my wardrobe and walls and wouldn't believe me when I told her the clothes are because they don't make preggo clothes in drab.
As we get Norah's room ready, there is so much joy at the idea of this little person Jay and I made getting to see the space we have created for her. But as a counter point to that joy, is the aching pain of knowing that my other daughter, our Aislynn, won't be there. The grief comes in these kind of gut-wrenching waves sometimes, kind of like standing in a storm. The wind picks up and is so hard to stand against that you just have to give into it for a bit and grieve and cry. And then the wind shifts and is almost calm and for a moment it sounds like the earth is sighing and lightening ripples through the clouds and slices through the grief with this beautiful, majestic brilliance. Those moments are when my girl kicks and moves and reminds me that she has a task here, a task given to her by her God himself, and when that task is over she must obey and go home so that she can watch over us from afar. She has given us so much joy, our Aislynn has. She and Norah have already made us stronger and more committed and better. These tiny girls have already made us parents. Aislynn reminds us its not the number of days you are given but the impact your life can have that matters and the joy you can show others. Norah helps me see that life will go on, it may not be exactly what we imagined it would be but it does keep going. We will keep going in joy and hope and laughter for Norah and for Aislynn. For Norah, to teach her that with those things you can survive anything. And for Aislynn, because, well, someday when it is my turn to go home, when I get to see her again, I want her to be proud of me.
Wow, okay then. So much for the not having much to say. I want to say thank you to those of you who read this for giving me this outlet for my words. Sometimes, like today, they are words I didn't even know I needed to release. Back to some lighter-hearted stuff, can I get a "Whoop-Whoop" for having our dishwasher installed this weekend?!?!? Awww-yea. My dad and Jay are going to put in our new dishwasher so I don't....wait that's not true.....so Jay doesn't have to do the dishes any more. (He really has been good about the dishes.)
That's all from the Heininger front for this Friday morning. Have an awesome day, people!! (And by "awesome" I mean it in it's true definition. Find something that inspires awe today. Mine was my kicking babies as the sun came up and painted the sky in orange and pink. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find awe.)
My lovely boss at work is getting us the tree decal we wanted for the wall as a baby shower gift. She is a unique kind of hippie-ish artist, engineer-type person and is just so thrilled that I'm doing something "so out there for me" like putting a tree on a wall, that she insisted that got to be her gift. She has also been commenting on how being pregnant has introduced more color to my wardrobe and walls and wouldn't believe me when I told her the clothes are because they don't make preggo clothes in drab.
As we get Norah's room ready, there is so much joy at the idea of this little person Jay and I made getting to see the space we have created for her. But as a counter point to that joy, is the aching pain of knowing that my other daughter, our Aislynn, won't be there. The grief comes in these kind of gut-wrenching waves sometimes, kind of like standing in a storm. The wind picks up and is so hard to stand against that you just have to give into it for a bit and grieve and cry. And then the wind shifts and is almost calm and for a moment it sounds like the earth is sighing and lightening ripples through the clouds and slices through the grief with this beautiful, majestic brilliance. Those moments are when my girl kicks and moves and reminds me that she has a task here, a task given to her by her God himself, and when that task is over she must obey and go home so that she can watch over us from afar. She has given us so much joy, our Aislynn has. She and Norah have already made us stronger and more committed and better. These tiny girls have already made us parents. Aislynn reminds us its not the number of days you are given but the impact your life can have that matters and the joy you can show others. Norah helps me see that life will go on, it may not be exactly what we imagined it would be but it does keep going. We will keep going in joy and hope and laughter for Norah and for Aislynn. For Norah, to teach her that with those things you can survive anything. And for Aislynn, because, well, someday when it is my turn to go home, when I get to see her again, I want her to be proud of me.
Wow, okay then. So much for the not having much to say. I want to say thank you to those of you who read this for giving me this outlet for my words. Sometimes, like today, they are words I didn't even know I needed to release. Back to some lighter-hearted stuff, can I get a "Whoop-Whoop" for having our dishwasher installed this weekend?!?!? Awww-yea. My dad and Jay are going to put in our new dishwasher so I don't....wait that's not true.....so Jay doesn't have to do the dishes any more. (He really has been good about the dishes.)
That's all from the Heininger front for this Friday morning. Have an awesome day, people!! (And by "awesome" I mean it in it's true definition. Find something that inspires awe today. Mine was my kicking babies as the sun came up and painted the sky in orange and pink. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find awe.)
Monday, September 10, 2012
Rooms, Baby Showers, and Orbits
There haven't been too many dynamic changes in the Heininger world lately, thus the lack of posts. We are trudging along on Norah's room. Well, I say we, but the balance is about 10% me, 90% Jay. We are nearly to the "finally decide what color to paint the walls, for real" stage. That, dear friends, is a frightening stage. I get so nervous choosing paint colors. Not really sure why.
My mom (with my input because I am picky and crazy and hormonal) has been planning my baby shower. The baby shower plans are a little bittersweet but not as terrible as I had envisioned. The real thing on that day may be a bit harder but I hope I can just let joy win out over sorrow that day. My fears and nervousness about it really come from the probably irrational fear that someone, somehow will forget what's happening and get us something that is for twins. That I don't know how I will handle. But I know that it would be just an honest mistake so hopefully I will have enough grace to keep going.
We also completed our first baby registry. This had its rough moments. Like looking at cribs. At first we had thought we were going to get two mini cribs so there would be enough room for them both. But now we are down to trying to decide what kind of regular crib to get. That hurts a bit, the thought of that empty space, but we take a deep breath and move on. We did decide to get a crib that only converts into a toddler bed or a day bed, not to a twin or full bed. I have this wonderful hormone-fueled, sentimental dream of having a guest room someday occupied with grandchildren sleeping in the same day bed that was their parents' crib. Fluffy, huh?
I look super pregnant all of a sudden. It was like in a single week I went from "rockin' the beer gut" to "dun' got knocked up". It's not a too terrible look for me, if I do say so myself. Jay got to feel his daughters move for the first time about a week ago and they have been trying to outdo that initial display since, I think. The joy on his face is a look I have cataloged with the moment he saw me walk down the aisle to him and the smile when I handed him the positive pregnancy test as something I will never, ever forget. My girls have even gotten strong enough to have their kicks be visible from the outside. That is super alien looking. The first time it happened I was sitting in a waiting room wearing a purple/white striped shirt I really noticed my belly move.
My back and hips can certainly tell I've gotten more pregnant. And any day now the round ligaments in my abdomen are going to send up white flags in surrender just so they get left alone. But no such luck. I'm 26 and 1/2 weeks now. With them wanting to deliver a bit early, I've got about 10ish weeks left. And in that 10ish weeks I need to go from moon-ish sized to Jupiter-sized. I'm gonna have my own orbit!! :)
Bye for now!
My mom (with my input because I am picky and crazy and hormonal) has been planning my baby shower. The baby shower plans are a little bittersweet but not as terrible as I had envisioned. The real thing on that day may be a bit harder but I hope I can just let joy win out over sorrow that day. My fears and nervousness about it really come from the probably irrational fear that someone, somehow will forget what's happening and get us something that is for twins. That I don't know how I will handle. But I know that it would be just an honest mistake so hopefully I will have enough grace to keep going.
We also completed our first baby registry. This had its rough moments. Like looking at cribs. At first we had thought we were going to get two mini cribs so there would be enough room for them both. But now we are down to trying to decide what kind of regular crib to get. That hurts a bit, the thought of that empty space, but we take a deep breath and move on. We did decide to get a crib that only converts into a toddler bed or a day bed, not to a twin or full bed. I have this wonderful hormone-fueled, sentimental dream of having a guest room someday occupied with grandchildren sleeping in the same day bed that was their parents' crib. Fluffy, huh?
I look super pregnant all of a sudden. It was like in a single week I went from "rockin' the beer gut" to "dun' got knocked up". It's not a too terrible look for me, if I do say so myself. Jay got to feel his daughters move for the first time about a week ago and they have been trying to outdo that initial display since, I think. The joy on his face is a look I have cataloged with the moment he saw me walk down the aisle to him and the smile when I handed him the positive pregnancy test as something I will never, ever forget. My girls have even gotten strong enough to have their kicks be visible from the outside. That is super alien looking. The first time it happened I was sitting in a waiting room wearing a purple/white striped shirt I really noticed my belly move.
My back and hips can certainly tell I've gotten more pregnant. And any day now the round ligaments in my abdomen are going to send up white flags in surrender just so they get left alone. But no such luck. I'm 26 and 1/2 weeks now. With them wanting to deliver a bit early, I've got about 10ish weeks left. And in that 10ish weeks I need to go from moon-ish sized to Jupiter-sized. I'm gonna have my own orbit!! :)
Bye for now!
Monday, August 13, 2012
Random update-type things
Rarely do I have: "Oh crap, my nail!" girly moments. And if I do, they only happen when particularly impressive or painful. This morning falls slightly in both categories. My pregnancy nails are apparently strong enough that when one is bent back too far it will not break or tear or do anything to preserve my finger. It will just bend and then make a lovely and vaguely sore bruise-y thing under my nail. My only regret is that I have a red shirt on today and I just don't think the purple bruise matches it well.
Its raining today! I adore the rain and lightening and thunder and storminess. It is like a balm to my soul. And its funny, it seems like the girls respond to it as well. When ever it rains, they seem slightly more active but in that pleasant sort of way that just feels neat. I realize that it's probably their response to the increase in happy serotonin hormones that the rain provokes in me, but I choose to think that they love the rain like their momma.
At about 14 or so weeks, my doctor started asking me if I had felt them move yet. I will admit, I kind of obsessed about it for a while trying to make sure that I wasn't missing them moving by mistaking it for various gastrointestinal events. I asked people what it felt like and looked it up. The most common answers were little wings like birds, butterflies in you belly, or bubbles bursting. Those are lovely, poetic answers that invoke happy rainbow mommy bonding feelings. But I have to say that feeling our daughters move inside me feels like....something moving inside me. Sorry to sound so blunt and maybe I have just been a science fiction fan for too long but it just feels like something moving. It is so unlike any other sensation I have ever experienced that it renders all other comparisons useless. It is vaguely alien perhaps, both in the sense of it being completely different and feeling like there is an alien nesting in my abdomen. At 22 weeks, I look more pregnant with each passing day and I am really looking forward to moving completely past that whole "is she pregnant or just rocking the beer gut" stage.
I do adore feeling them move. Especially first thing in the morning when I lay on my back for just a few minutes. After all night of being on one side or the other, they seem to protest this the most and I get an adorable baby head or bottom pressed against my belly button. That is another sensation altogether. I mean, messing with your belly button from the outside feels weird enough, and it feels almost the same when being messed with from the inside but with that surreal backwards feeling. It makes me giggle every time.
At our last ultrasound, they were complete wiggle worms. Aislynn moved around a bit during her pictures and measurements but then when they moved to Norah, Aislynn decided that would be a good time to show off her legs and kick her sister in the head through their membrane separating them. It was too funny. And Norah decided after being good during Aislynn's pictures, that she didn't feel like her photo opp that day and did everything she could to protest it. At one point even pressing her arm/hand up against where the US probe was pressing down on my belly. Lemme tell ya, that hurt! But we couldn't help but laugh at our contrary children.
We did get a small bit of really good news. At our Barnes appointment, the doctor warned us that Aislynn may not be able to swallow any of the amniotic fluid which could lead to increases in fluid pressure and could cause me to go into preterm labor. But our brave girl found a way. We saw her swallow and her tongue move and she even got the hiccups. She is doing everything she can to protect her sister and make sure that Norah has all the time she needs to grow and develop to be born safely. Aislynn is growing at the same rate as her sister, reassuring us that she is tough and will be our little superhero and stay with us for as long as she can.
We are doing well with our girls and our new reality. I think we are, at least. Progress on the room for Norah has slowed but not completely stopped. We are determined to get it ready and painted and a new door and ceiling fan fairly soon. The baby stuff will probably wait until after my baby shower. I am still just not ready to pick out baby stuff for one daughter when I can feel both of my precious girls. And the fear that we will not get to bring anyone home still plagues me often enough that I just can't bring myself to get baby stuff. I don't think I could handle having a bunch of baby stuff in our home and then lose them both. This is a process, this weird kind of grief/joy/heartache/celebration, and we are doing what we can to take each step each day. Jay is an amazing dad already. Not that I had any doubt of that, but to see it in action is kind of breath-taking. Its hard to describe how he does this already but I guess its just in the way he talks to them both and rubs my belly. The look on his face when I had him hurry over to feel that head/bottom pressing against my belly button is something I will never ever forget.
So that's us for now. Bye!
Its raining today! I adore the rain and lightening and thunder and storminess. It is like a balm to my soul. And its funny, it seems like the girls respond to it as well. When ever it rains, they seem slightly more active but in that pleasant sort of way that just feels neat. I realize that it's probably their response to the increase in happy serotonin hormones that the rain provokes in me, but I choose to think that they love the rain like their momma.
At about 14 or so weeks, my doctor started asking me if I had felt them move yet. I will admit, I kind of obsessed about it for a while trying to make sure that I wasn't missing them moving by mistaking it for various gastrointestinal events. I asked people what it felt like and looked it up. The most common answers were little wings like birds, butterflies in you belly, or bubbles bursting. Those are lovely, poetic answers that invoke happy rainbow mommy bonding feelings. But I have to say that feeling our daughters move inside me feels like....something moving inside me. Sorry to sound so blunt and maybe I have just been a science fiction fan for too long but it just feels like something moving. It is so unlike any other sensation I have ever experienced that it renders all other comparisons useless. It is vaguely alien perhaps, both in the sense of it being completely different and feeling like there is an alien nesting in my abdomen. At 22 weeks, I look more pregnant with each passing day and I am really looking forward to moving completely past that whole "is she pregnant or just rocking the beer gut" stage.
I do adore feeling them move. Especially first thing in the morning when I lay on my back for just a few minutes. After all night of being on one side or the other, they seem to protest this the most and I get an adorable baby head or bottom pressed against my belly button. That is another sensation altogether. I mean, messing with your belly button from the outside feels weird enough, and it feels almost the same when being messed with from the inside but with that surreal backwards feeling. It makes me giggle every time.
At our last ultrasound, they were complete wiggle worms. Aislynn moved around a bit during her pictures and measurements but then when they moved to Norah, Aislynn decided that would be a good time to show off her legs and kick her sister in the head through their membrane separating them. It was too funny. And Norah decided after being good during Aislynn's pictures, that she didn't feel like her photo opp that day and did everything she could to protest it. At one point even pressing her arm/hand up against where the US probe was pressing down on my belly. Lemme tell ya, that hurt! But we couldn't help but laugh at our contrary children.
We did get a small bit of really good news. At our Barnes appointment, the doctor warned us that Aislynn may not be able to swallow any of the amniotic fluid which could lead to increases in fluid pressure and could cause me to go into preterm labor. But our brave girl found a way. We saw her swallow and her tongue move and she even got the hiccups. She is doing everything she can to protect her sister and make sure that Norah has all the time she needs to grow and develop to be born safely. Aislynn is growing at the same rate as her sister, reassuring us that she is tough and will be our little superhero and stay with us for as long as she can.
We are doing well with our girls and our new reality. I think we are, at least. Progress on the room for Norah has slowed but not completely stopped. We are determined to get it ready and painted and a new door and ceiling fan fairly soon. The baby stuff will probably wait until after my baby shower. I am still just not ready to pick out baby stuff for one daughter when I can feel both of my precious girls. And the fear that we will not get to bring anyone home still plagues me often enough that I just can't bring myself to get baby stuff. I don't think I could handle having a bunch of baby stuff in our home and then lose them both. This is a process, this weird kind of grief/joy/heartache/celebration, and we are doing what we can to take each step each day. Jay is an amazing dad already. Not that I had any doubt of that, but to see it in action is kind of breath-taking. Its hard to describe how he does this already but I guess its just in the way he talks to them both and rubs my belly. The look on his face when I had him hurry over to feel that head/bottom pressing against my belly button is something I will never ever forget.
So that's us for now. Bye!
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Our new reality
I guess everyone has that moment where they feel like a parent. Not those moments where you realize that you are having a baby, but that moment where your heart fills with an entirely new kind of fierce love and determination and it hits you suddenly that is what being a mom or dad feels like. Jay and I have experienced this moment in one of the most painful ways anyone can.
On July 11 we had an appointment with our high-risk OB in Cape Girardeau. And he found a problem with one of our beautiful babies. One of our babies is perfectly fine, looks healthy and growing fine. Our other beautiful child has Anencephaly. This means that when the place where the spinal cord grows was closing, it didn't close properly at the top and the brain and skull were not able to develop. This means that while our beautiful baby will grow and move and live while inside me, the baby can't survive outside of the womb. We will bury one of our children soon after they are born. We will raise one child, not two. We will treasure one child here with us and treasure the memory of the other.
This is by far the most painful thing I have ever experienced. The emotion I felt when the doctor said something was wrong and told us what it was was pure horror. There is no other word for it. we ranted about it not being fair. And it's not. It's not fair to buy a crib and a casket. It's not fair to say goodbye so soon to this beautiful dream we had been having visions of. Don't mistake me, we are unbelievably thankful for our healthy baby. But that joy had a hard time competing with the idea of burying our other child.
Then we took a deep breath. And the car ride from Cape was silent for a bit. Then we started talking about telling our other child how they were protected from the very, very start by their very own superhero whom God called home when the job was done. We talked about our deep need to still enjoy being pregnant and becoming parents. We talked about our love for our children and our desire that they both know that even now. How we need our Heaven-bound baby to know beyond any shadow of a doubt that they were loved and treasured and that the little life was celebrated completely and with abandon. And we promised each other that we would do this together, not letting grief or pain separate us.
And we decided we had to embrace the joy that we felt when we first saw that positive pregnancy test. We had to start this new journey as we meant to go on: in joy and celebration. They are our children, both of them. They are our twins and we will enjoy that. We will laugh and marvel at my changing shape and not let the pain dampen our wonder. We will work to enjoy buying baby stuff even if it is for one baby. We have joked that we are only buying baby gear for one because God already has everything ready for our Heaven-bound baby. We decided that I get to enjoy my baby shower; that I don't have to be subdued for that because our children deserve to be celebrated. We are their parents and no matter what, no matter how this hurts, we will be strong enough to celebrate both of their lives and love them with a fierceness that we had not previously known was within us.
At our next doctor's visit, we went to Barnes in St. Louis because those guys have more experience with this type of thing. And there we found out that our Heaven-bound baby will most likely make it to full-term along with our other child. We will be able to deliver both babies and have our time to say goodbye to our Heaven-bound child and fill the little life with as much love as we can with the time we are given. They will be checking closely for growth of them both to make sure nothing else is happening.
We also found out that our beautiful babies are GIRLS! We have two beautiful daughters. And they have names. Our Heaven-bound baby we are naming Aislynn Marie Heininger. Aislynn means dream and Marie is my middle name. We have joked that giving Aislynn her momma's middle name will make sure God knows she is a handful right from the beginning. Our other daughter we are naming Norah Hazel Heininger. Norah means honor and Hazel is the name of a tree, but it's really something we both just really liked. So those are our girls. Aislynn and Norah. Norah will be able to be here with her mom and dad. Aislynn will be called Home when her job of protecting and caring for her sister is finished. And we will always be thankful for both of them. We will not let grief dampen our joy for both of our daughters.
We would appreciate prayers that our girls will keep growing and that Aislynn will stay strong and stay with us until her sister can safely be born. Please keep prayers and thoughts for our strength and peace close to your heart. This is our new reality. Although it is not what we imagined it would be, we will keep going and love our girls no matter what. So please help us celebrate our daughters, both of them. Please rejoice with us at each milestone I hit in the pregnancy like the flutters of movement I can feel now and how I'm really starting to look like a pregnant lady. Please talk and joke with us about how our little girl, Aislynn, is going to take Heaven by storm. And how Norah will always be able to tell people about her superhero sister who protected and sacrificed for her to keep her safe.
Thank you in advance for your love and support. You will be so needed as we go through this and as we raise our daughter with our other daughter in Heaven. I found a Proverb I have been reciting when I get overwhelmed with all the information and decisions and hurt: "As I go forward step by step, the way will be opened up unto me." Proverbs 4:12
On July 11 we had an appointment with our high-risk OB in Cape Girardeau. And he found a problem with one of our beautiful babies. One of our babies is perfectly fine, looks healthy and growing fine. Our other beautiful child has Anencephaly. This means that when the place where the spinal cord grows was closing, it didn't close properly at the top and the brain and skull were not able to develop. This means that while our beautiful baby will grow and move and live while inside me, the baby can't survive outside of the womb. We will bury one of our children soon after they are born. We will raise one child, not two. We will treasure one child here with us and treasure the memory of the other.
This is by far the most painful thing I have ever experienced. The emotion I felt when the doctor said something was wrong and told us what it was was pure horror. There is no other word for it. we ranted about it not being fair. And it's not. It's not fair to buy a crib and a casket. It's not fair to say goodbye so soon to this beautiful dream we had been having visions of. Don't mistake me, we are unbelievably thankful for our healthy baby. But that joy had a hard time competing with the idea of burying our other child.
Then we took a deep breath. And the car ride from Cape was silent for a bit. Then we started talking about telling our other child how they were protected from the very, very start by their very own superhero whom God called home when the job was done. We talked about our deep need to still enjoy being pregnant and becoming parents. We talked about our love for our children and our desire that they both know that even now. How we need our Heaven-bound baby to know beyond any shadow of a doubt that they were loved and treasured and that the little life was celebrated completely and with abandon. And we promised each other that we would do this together, not letting grief or pain separate us.
And we decided we had to embrace the joy that we felt when we first saw that positive pregnancy test. We had to start this new journey as we meant to go on: in joy and celebration. They are our children, both of them. They are our twins and we will enjoy that. We will laugh and marvel at my changing shape and not let the pain dampen our wonder. We will work to enjoy buying baby stuff even if it is for one baby. We have joked that we are only buying baby gear for one because God already has everything ready for our Heaven-bound baby. We decided that I get to enjoy my baby shower; that I don't have to be subdued for that because our children deserve to be celebrated. We are their parents and no matter what, no matter how this hurts, we will be strong enough to celebrate both of their lives and love them with a fierceness that we had not previously known was within us.
At our next doctor's visit, we went to Barnes in St. Louis because those guys have more experience with this type of thing. And there we found out that our Heaven-bound baby will most likely make it to full-term along with our other child. We will be able to deliver both babies and have our time to say goodbye to our Heaven-bound child and fill the little life with as much love as we can with the time we are given. They will be checking closely for growth of them both to make sure nothing else is happening.
We also found out that our beautiful babies are GIRLS! We have two beautiful daughters. And they have names. Our Heaven-bound baby we are naming Aislynn Marie Heininger. Aislynn means dream and Marie is my middle name. We have joked that giving Aislynn her momma's middle name will make sure God knows she is a handful right from the beginning. Our other daughter we are naming Norah Hazel Heininger. Norah means honor and Hazel is the name of a tree, but it's really something we both just really liked. So those are our girls. Aislynn and Norah. Norah will be able to be here with her mom and dad. Aislynn will be called Home when her job of protecting and caring for her sister is finished. And we will always be thankful for both of them. We will not let grief dampen our joy for both of our daughters.
We would appreciate prayers that our girls will keep growing and that Aislynn will stay strong and stay with us until her sister can safely be born. Please keep prayers and thoughts for our strength and peace close to your heart. This is our new reality. Although it is not what we imagined it would be, we will keep going and love our girls no matter what. So please help us celebrate our daughters, both of them. Please rejoice with us at each milestone I hit in the pregnancy like the flutters of movement I can feel now and how I'm really starting to look like a pregnant lady. Please talk and joke with us about how our little girl, Aislynn, is going to take Heaven by storm. And how Norah will always be able to tell people about her superhero sister who protected and sacrificed for her to keep her safe.
Thank you in advance for your love and support. You will be so needed as we go through this and as we raise our daughter with our other daughter in Heaven. I found a Proverb I have been reciting when I get overwhelmed with all the information and decisions and hurt: "As I go forward step by step, the way will be opened up unto me." Proverbs 4:12
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Now Re-introducing: Original Recipe Destiny
One of the first lessons my dear parents had to help me understand and accept when I got my first job is that not everyone is going to like me and that's fine and I still have to find a way to work with them and do my job well. That was a hard lesson even for someone like me who did not have a massive group of close friends. The hardest part was finding a way to work with and be pleasant to those who just simply had no use for me as a human being. And I thought I had learned that lesson; I really truly thought I was doing well with it. 6 years at a grocery store will teach you quite a lot about people (and on some days leave you thinking the zombie apocalypse would be a good thing for humanity). However, for better or worse, I am being given an opportunity to better learn that lesson lately.
One of my biggest struggles is being concerned with what others think of me. And not the just important others like my hubby or parents. All others. I have struggled my entire life with being very concerned about what everyone thinks of me and whether they like me or not. Being with Jay has helped me become more of myself. I believe that if my four year old self saw me pre-Jay Heininger, she would have been horrified. But post-Jay Heininger, she would be pleased with how I've turned out. But I still have those insecurities of wanting, nay needing, approval from all around me. At my job, I have a co-worker who I believed to be kind of a friend. Not like a hanging out on weekends friend, but a friendly at work friend. She is a few years younger than my mom and has three kids so after I told everyone about being pregnant she had stories about her own pregnancies and kids when they were babies. I thought things were good. Now, granted she thinks I'm weird (and she's right) and there are topics I avoid with her and I even try to curb my vocabulary a bit (this is at work in general, though) but we were friends, right? Turns out, not so right. During some recent changes, she told our boss exactly what she thinks of me. She feels I am condescending, impossible to work with, unhelpful, and generally hard to get along with and since I am pregnant if any lay offs need to happen I should be the first to lose my job. *reels from kick to gut* Ouch. Unexpected. *checks mirror for knife in back* Right, deep breaths. That stung. But I believe in the truth. I believe in knowing the truth no matter now much it hurts. And if that is the truth about what she thinks of me, then I feel I am better knowing it. But still, ouch.
So after spending some tearful soul searching and prayer yesterday on my drive home (my favorite time to pray and cry, if I need to), I think I am making peace with all of that. She is entitled to her opinion about me. Obviously my trying to get her to like me and be friends is not really working so I will stop that. Not that I will stop being nice, no, no my mother taught me better than that. What goes around, comes around, people, and I want niceness to come back at me. I will just stop trying to alter myself to what I think she wants. She gets original recipe Destiny; non-diluted Destiny; Destiny now without artificial colors or flavors. And I think it's going to be fun. On my end at least ;) I do still need to work on (and pray about) my tendency to be bitter about what she said to the boss. I have a vindictive streak that makes me extra mouthy that is not pretty. And I will conquer that. I will be pleasant and peaceful and goofy and happy and curious and, darn it, I will use four-dollar words a will because I read a lot and I know what they mean. I have been given Grace and that means I can give grace to others and let them just be and forgive them for being just as not perfect as I am.
This is all made easier by the fact that my now apple-sized babies have stopped parasitically sucking all my energy away. I am still a teary mess at times and battling some nausea, especially when hungry, but I no longer want to take a nap every two hours.
Well, that's all from me today. Thank you for reading all of this. And for obviously accepting me, big words and all. I will leave you with two of my favorite little sayings, from my desk at work.
"Do not let the behavious of others destroy your inner peace."
and
"Anybody remotely interesting is mad, in some way or another."
One of my biggest struggles is being concerned with what others think of me. And not the just important others like my hubby or parents. All others. I have struggled my entire life with being very concerned about what everyone thinks of me and whether they like me or not. Being with Jay has helped me become more of myself. I believe that if my four year old self saw me pre-Jay Heininger, she would have been horrified. But post-Jay Heininger, she would be pleased with how I've turned out. But I still have those insecurities of wanting, nay needing, approval from all around me. At my job, I have a co-worker who I believed to be kind of a friend. Not like a hanging out on weekends friend, but a friendly at work friend. She is a few years younger than my mom and has three kids so after I told everyone about being pregnant she had stories about her own pregnancies and kids when they were babies. I thought things were good. Now, granted she thinks I'm weird (and she's right) and there are topics I avoid with her and I even try to curb my vocabulary a bit (this is at work in general, though) but we were friends, right? Turns out, not so right. During some recent changes, she told our boss exactly what she thinks of me. She feels I am condescending, impossible to work with, unhelpful, and generally hard to get along with and since I am pregnant if any lay offs need to happen I should be the first to lose my job. *reels from kick to gut* Ouch. Unexpected. *checks mirror for knife in back* Right, deep breaths. That stung. But I believe in the truth. I believe in knowing the truth no matter now much it hurts. And if that is the truth about what she thinks of me, then I feel I am better knowing it. But still, ouch.
So after spending some tearful soul searching and prayer yesterday on my drive home (my favorite time to pray and cry, if I need to), I think I am making peace with all of that. She is entitled to her opinion about me. Obviously my trying to get her to like me and be friends is not really working so I will stop that. Not that I will stop being nice, no, no my mother taught me better than that. What goes around, comes around, people, and I want niceness to come back at me. I will just stop trying to alter myself to what I think she wants. She gets original recipe Destiny; non-diluted Destiny; Destiny now without artificial colors or flavors. And I think it's going to be fun. On my end at least ;) I do still need to work on (and pray about) my tendency to be bitter about what she said to the boss. I have a vindictive streak that makes me extra mouthy that is not pretty. And I will conquer that. I will be pleasant and peaceful and goofy and happy and curious and, darn it, I will use four-dollar words a will because I read a lot and I know what they mean. I have been given Grace and that means I can give grace to others and let them just be and forgive them for being just as not perfect as I am.
This is all made easier by the fact that my now apple-sized babies have stopped parasitically sucking all my energy away. I am still a teary mess at times and battling some nausea, especially when hungry, but I no longer want to take a nap every two hours.
Well, that's all from me today. Thank you for reading all of this. And for obviously accepting me, big words and all. I will leave you with two of my favorite little sayings, from my desk at work.
"Do not let the behavious of others destroy your inner peace."
and
"Anybody remotely interesting is mad, in some way or another."
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Squirming Lemons
Second trimester! I hit 14weeks yesterday making me officially in my second trimester. I told Jay yesterday that it makes me like officially pregnant with real babies. We are past the first trimester where people still hold their breath and hope nothing happens and safe and growing. I almost can't wrap my mind around being that pregnant. I am officially in maternity clothes, well pants at least. I can still wear my stretchy yoga pants to work but if I want denim, preggo pants it is. Jay and I can tell how my belly is changing shape and sticking out a bit more, but to the casual observer I probably just look like I've had a big meal. And at 14 weeks, the babies are the size of lemons. I get such a kick out of comparing their sizes to food. So this week, we are lemons and learning facial expressions and we can pee. Say what you will about me being happy for my peeing lemons, but these are big deals for us.
We had an ultrasound yesterday because we have a wonderful doctor who wanted to see for certain (read: reassure freaked out first time parents) both little heartbeats. He tried to get them with the office Doppler (actually Dopplers, plural, he was trying to hear them both at the same time) but, as we learned, that is very hard with them being so little and moving so much. And moving they are! At the ultrasound, that is the thing I was most struck by. The last time we saw them at nine weeks they moved a bit and you could see little flippers/future arms and legs move. But this time, they were like little people. Arms and legs stretching and moving and flailing about, turning around and flipping over. At one point Baby B literally spun in place; we could see the little top of baby's head spin around. Baby B was good for the US tech. She (the tech) was able to get head measurements, belly measurements, and femur measurements without too much trouble, only quite a bit of squirming and ninja moves. Baby A, on the other hand, is definitely my child. This baby was comfortable and not willing to move. Oh, contrary baby showed off with legs moving and kicking and arms stretching out in front so the tech got belly measurements and femur measurements, but that head shot was not in the cards. The tech leaned the table back so the blood rushed to my head, flipped me onto my left side, then my right and still Baby A would not move so she could get that head measurement. Well, I take that back. Baby A did move but this child went from pressing a head up against the membrane between the babies to flipping over and pressing a head to the side of my uterus. See why I say this is definitely a child of mine and Jay's? The tech even got the radiologist who told her that skipping that measurement would be better than making do with a side (or trans) measurement that would skew the growth measurement results. So she took lots of pictures of Baby A's face to show that it was our stubborn child's fault that she couldn't get her measurements.
But she got us some neat pictures of our alien babies. I know that may offend some, but be honest people. At this age, a face picture of a baby looks like an alien. Cute, miraculous, amazing aliens, I'll grant you, but aliens none the less. And one of the pics of Baby B shows the child in mid fist pump, probably because the US was about over. Having that thing pressed on my belly for so long was uncomfortable for me, so I can only imagine my affronted children were tired of having their warm, watery home poked and prodded.
Father's Day is this weekend and I am so proud that my husband gets to join in this year. Pride seems and odd emotion to have about it but I am proud. Proud of him, this wonderful man I married and am creating life with. Proud that I get to carry his children, that I get to be, for a little while, the home for his reasons for Father's Day. It's weird, to point out to Jay that it's his day, too, after so long of just thinking of my dad and his, but probably no more weird that it was for him to point out that this past Mother's Day was a bit for me, too. So (because he reads this) Happy Father's Day, Jay. I would never have the courage to make it through this adventure without you.
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