So Norah is six months old. Crazy, right?! Right now she is sitting between Jay's legs playing with this kind of musical walk-behind toy. She's sitting in front of it pressing the buttons and chattering and laughing. I can hardly believe this is the same tiny little baby I first saw in the heated bed in the NICU 6 months and 4 days ago. Its 4pm now and that's about the exact time I first got out of bed and made it to a wheelchair to be taken down to see her.
I have changed so much in the last six months. I have learned things about myself, good and bad. Turns out I do have the will to be dog tired and still somehow have a cheerful voice when she gets up from a nap. Turns out I do have the will to do housework when all I want to do is sit down. But it also turns out I have a temper. I am prone to yell when things don't go how my mind has decided, but I am working on that. I have learned how to let go of what I look like. That kind of happened on its own. One day I just fixed the ponytail my hair was in, made sure I had deodorant and clean (-ish, I'm not gonna lie) clothes on and left the house bound for the store or something. I realized later that I really didn't care what I looked like. I like rockin' the "mother of a baby" look.
[Oh dear lord, I have dueling farters on my floor. I'm taking bets for who will win, Jay or Norah.]
I am getting used to the housewife thing, too. I love being home, but I'm gonna say it for the stay at home moms who feel they can't, it is not always easy or fun and I don't always enjoy it. I am incredibly thankful God has blessed us with the means to let me stay home and care for my family but that doesn't mean its always roses and rainbows. And I've learned that its okay that I feel like that. I've learned that I can be a crazy, nerdy, sarcastic, goofy mom who quotes science fiction at her child and has phone ring tones from her favorite TV show. Being goofy means that I can turn cleaning the kitchen into aerobic exercise with the help of Veggie Tails Silly Songs by dancing around the room and singing loudly to entertain the baby happily drooling in her swing. And being nerdy means that I will never think any of the imaginary friend games Norah plays is weird, in fact I will probably join in and help her turn household items into whatever her character needs.
There is another side to this milestone as there will be for every milestone Norah ever reaches. It has been six months since Aislynn died. It has been six months since I held my baby and kissed her. And I know where she is and I know I will see her again but I still miss her here. I think sometimes I still feel like we have to get everything we can out of every moment with Norah because she will be gone soon. We had such a deadline with Aislynn, we had to get everything we could out of every moment of the pregnancy and then out of every moment of her too short life. Now not having so much of a deadline is kind of hard to get used to. I know its good that I'm savoring every moment with Norah because "it will be over so fast" but it really isn't good for this mother's peace of mind to think of who I would call first if Norah is just gone when I wake up in the morning. But I am working on that, too. It really comes down to trust. I have to just trust that my prayers are being heard and that God's plan is for Norah to stay here with us. And most of the time I do. There's just those moments, ya know?
I went from a tiny baby, not even five pounds when we brought her home, to a rolling-over, interactive seventeen and a half pound baby in such a short time. She loves to be outside, loves to watch the cats, and she loves loves loves her Daddy. Daddy coming home is definitely the highlight of our day. She smiles and wiggles all over when her Daddy smiles at her. And she smiles at her grandparents now, too. She smiles at people in general cause she's Jay's child and likes an audience but she smiles quickly and big for all of her grandparents. This little person who was the size of a poppy seed when we found out about her and then went to having her head shoved under my left ribs is now showing personality. Wild.
Well this little bundle of personality and drool is upset and wants supper. So I will sign off for now. The past six months have been so wonderful, I can't even imagine what the next six months will bring. One thing's for certain, it's gonna be fantastic.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Us now that its April and my latest lessons learnt
Wow I haven't posted in like two months. I honestly didn't think it had been that long. Well, its Norah's fault, her and her non-napping ways. And my house's fault, with its tendency to get dirty and then not clean itself. But as the pictures on my facebook page suggest, she is growing and smiling and doing well. She rolled over from back to belly so now that is a new adventure. To go into the kitchen for something and leave her safe on her playmat in the living room, then hearing some odd thumping noises and noises from her and come back to see that she has rolled onto the hardwood. She hasn't quite got getting from her belly to her back down, so she frequently gets angry that she's stuck on her belly. She is grabbing somethings. She has a favorite rattle that she will always reach for. And her Bobee the bear she will reach for him and even pull him to her mouth to eat his face. I believe we are starting our teething adventure so her hands get gnawed on quite a bit and she had discovered that her favorite thing is to chew on her thumb. She doesn't suck it, just chews, so hopefully she won't start sucking her thumb. She is only a paci girl when she is tired and fighting sleep.
And Momma has to rock her to sleep or at least hold her. I know, I know, I will regret this when she gets bigger/older and I will regret it if we get to have another one soon and I will regret this when bla bla bla bla... I have heard it all. Well here is my side: this baby had/has bad acid reflux so when she was very little and pretty much went back to sleep after every feeding I had to hold her for a bit to make it easier for her food to stay down. So it started there. Then we have that she is a stubborn child who will cry and cry until she either makes herself sick or only has the energy for weak little cries but still cries without going to sleep. So yes, I hold her so she will go to sleep and rest. And yes, I'm probably guilty of holding her too long while she sleeps, but that is what I feel she needs. I don't go running to her at every sound and I do let her fall back asleep on her own if she will, but I do go to her if I feel like her cry is saying she needs me.
My big lesson that I am still learning is that darn it, she is my child, mine and Jay's and although the advice we have gotten is appreciated and sometimes has been a life saver, I just have to go with what she needs or wants or what works for us. I found today that she eats better if I wait till she's tired then feed her before laying her down for a nap. This discovery has come after weeks of barely being able to get any food down her, and watching her wet diaper count decrease, and being so worried about how hard feedings are going to be that I don't want to leave the house. So, if it works, this is what I will do because she's mine.
Putting away my soap box for the time being, how awesome is it that its spring? The days are so much easier when we can work a nice long walk in there. Good for baby and baby's mood, good for mommy and mommy's waist line. Norah loves being outside, I think, so we take good walks all around town. I think my goal is to walk every street on the west side of Herrin by fall. I take a new path everyday, just kind of wandering around.
I go to the Mission: Motherhood group at our church and we read a book recently called Loving the Little Years: Motherhood in the Trenches. I would recommend this to every mother or really anyone who spends lots of time with kids, parent or not. You all know I'm not so big on the non-fiction, parenting, "Christian" books but this one really is good and has so many wonderful ideas and theories about this parenting thing, way too many to try to list here. One big idea from the book is "The state of my heart is the state of my home." Basically that I set the tone in my home and if I'm bitter or angry or mopey, that is what my home is going to be. But if I can set that aside just for a bit, even if I have to muster every ounce of energy to fake a smile and pleasant tone, I won't have to fake it for very long. Norah picks up on my moods and its almost like my moods radiate off the walls and bounce back to me. So if I can just shake off whatever has me messed up, just for a little bit, my home will feel better and I will be better. Another big help from the book is the idea that anything, well almost anything, will be over or different in 20 minutes. If you can just work through it or endure for 20 minutes, the situation will probably be different. This idea has given me so much perspective on her crying and eating issues and new teething fussiness.
So that's where I'm at lately. And now my messy kitchen is calling me and the rug may need vacuumed. Tell ya what though, my messy house and unfolded clothes and dirty dishes mean that I spend more time playing with my daughter during the day and talking with my husband at night than worrying about how clean my house is. And that makes me happy, makes me feel like I got something right.
And Momma has to rock her to sleep or at least hold her. I know, I know, I will regret this when she gets bigger/older and I will regret it if we get to have another one soon and I will regret this when bla bla bla bla... I have heard it all. Well here is my side: this baby had/has bad acid reflux so when she was very little and pretty much went back to sleep after every feeding I had to hold her for a bit to make it easier for her food to stay down. So it started there. Then we have that she is a stubborn child who will cry and cry until she either makes herself sick or only has the energy for weak little cries but still cries without going to sleep. So yes, I hold her so she will go to sleep and rest. And yes, I'm probably guilty of holding her too long while she sleeps, but that is what I feel she needs. I don't go running to her at every sound and I do let her fall back asleep on her own if she will, but I do go to her if I feel like her cry is saying she needs me.
My big lesson that I am still learning is that darn it, she is my child, mine and Jay's and although the advice we have gotten is appreciated and sometimes has been a life saver, I just have to go with what she needs or wants or what works for us. I found today that she eats better if I wait till she's tired then feed her before laying her down for a nap. This discovery has come after weeks of barely being able to get any food down her, and watching her wet diaper count decrease, and being so worried about how hard feedings are going to be that I don't want to leave the house. So, if it works, this is what I will do because she's mine.
Putting away my soap box for the time being, how awesome is it that its spring? The days are so much easier when we can work a nice long walk in there. Good for baby and baby's mood, good for mommy and mommy's waist line. Norah loves being outside, I think, so we take good walks all around town. I think my goal is to walk every street on the west side of Herrin by fall. I take a new path everyday, just kind of wandering around.
I go to the Mission: Motherhood group at our church and we read a book recently called Loving the Little Years: Motherhood in the Trenches. I would recommend this to every mother or really anyone who spends lots of time with kids, parent or not. You all know I'm not so big on the non-fiction, parenting, "Christian" books but this one really is good and has so many wonderful ideas and theories about this parenting thing, way too many to try to list here. One big idea from the book is "The state of my heart is the state of my home." Basically that I set the tone in my home and if I'm bitter or angry or mopey, that is what my home is going to be. But if I can set that aside just for a bit, even if I have to muster every ounce of energy to fake a smile and pleasant tone, I won't have to fake it for very long. Norah picks up on my moods and its almost like my moods radiate off the walls and bounce back to me. So if I can just shake off whatever has me messed up, just for a little bit, my home will feel better and I will be better. Another big help from the book is the idea that anything, well almost anything, will be over or different in 20 minutes. If you can just work through it or endure for 20 minutes, the situation will probably be different. This idea has given me so much perspective on her crying and eating issues and new teething fussiness.
So that's where I'm at lately. And now my messy kitchen is calling me and the rug may need vacuumed. Tell ya what though, my messy house and unfolded clothes and dirty dishes mean that I spend more time playing with my daughter during the day and talking with my husband at night than worrying about how clean my house is. And that makes me happy, makes me feel like I got something right.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Growing and Bathtime
Thank you for all the thoughts and prayers about Norah's acid reflux. The new formula seems to be helping some, she doesn't spit up quite as often and doesn't seem in nearly as much pain when she eats. But it has changed the way she spits up and the volume. Now it comes up her nose every time which makes her gasp and panic and feel like she can't breathe which is very traumatic for a three month old. And it drenches both of us. So while it doesn't happen every hour like before, when she does spit up it takes longer to calm her down which is discouraging at bedtime. But we will make it. We've only got a few more weeks until we can try out some thin rice cereal.
And that is nuts. My little baby is almost ready to be fed cereal from a spoon like a real person. Crazy. She has jumped up to 3-6mo clothes and yesterday I had to buy size 2 diapers. She is so alert and smiles at us all the time. She likes to lay on her play mat and look at the lights in the tiger's belly. At least I think its supposed to be a tiger even though it looks like a bear. All the hanging toys on this mat are black and white which is the contrast that babies like and works out well for the zebra but not so much for the tigers. And I don't think its a bear because this is like a jungle/desert animal play mat. So we tell her its a Siberian tiger taking a vacation with a zebra, an elephant and a parrot.
She loves to dance with mommy. She even has preferred music. There is a group called Celtic Thunder (sort of a male version of Celtic Women, for those of you who watch lots of PBS) that performs like Irish folk stuff and other original pieces and they are her favorite. I put it on one day like two months ago because I like it (lame and proud, darn it) and it is easy to dance around to with a baby and now that is her music. She calms down to listen to it whenever I turn it on. She will also accept the grooveshark.com bluegrass station if we are in the kitchen. It is so funny that she already has such definite music preferences. The glimpses of personality that we are getting are just amazing.
Her schedule is making life easier on both of us. Even though bedtime is rough when she spits up and then gets upset, we still have a set routine that she seems to like. On Sunday we were at my parent's for the Super Bowl and around 7:30 rolled around and we were still there and I was just going to feed her in a bit and let her nap in her stroller. But she just cried and cried and would not be comforted. The only thing I could think of was that it was bath time and bedtime and we weren't doing that. So mom let me give her a bath there; luckily I had some PJs with us. I had to lay her down on a towel on the floor to run the bath and I just thought she'd really scream once I put her down. But as soon as I started the water she calmed down and just waited. She really does love bath time. Some days she's not so much a big fan of hair washing, but what kid is, really? During bath time we talk about what we did that day and if it's been a rough day I tell her that we are washing this day away so we can start fresh. Making bath time and bedtime so important was the best piece of advice I have gotten as a mother (much thanks Elizabeth and Emily!).
Now we really need to get this child's room done. With Jay's busy work schedule its been hard for him to finish repainting the drawers for her dresser and that is really the last big task. We bought her a new door (the old one was rubbish and it needed to open to the other side anyway) so that's done. I'm really looking forward to having her sleep in there and playing with her more in there. I just think that will really make it feel like she's home and really here when she's in her room. Her own room.
One request: Jay and I are going to finally go this week and order Aislynn a marker for her spot. It has been something that I both wanted to get done and completely dreaded. Its still not fair that I have to buy my own daughter the marker for her grave, but its what needs done so we can honor her properly. Please say a prayer or send out a happy thought and some strength for us for that task. Thank you in advance for your support. Bye!! :)
And that is nuts. My little baby is almost ready to be fed cereal from a spoon like a real person. Crazy. She has jumped up to 3-6mo clothes and yesterday I had to buy size 2 diapers. She is so alert and smiles at us all the time. She likes to lay on her play mat and look at the lights in the tiger's belly. At least I think its supposed to be a tiger even though it looks like a bear. All the hanging toys on this mat are black and white which is the contrast that babies like and works out well for the zebra but not so much for the tigers. And I don't think its a bear because this is like a jungle/desert animal play mat. So we tell her its a Siberian tiger taking a vacation with a zebra, an elephant and a parrot.
She loves to dance with mommy. She even has preferred music. There is a group called Celtic Thunder (sort of a male version of Celtic Women, for those of you who watch lots of PBS) that performs like Irish folk stuff and other original pieces and they are her favorite. I put it on one day like two months ago because I like it (lame and proud, darn it) and it is easy to dance around to with a baby and now that is her music. She calms down to listen to it whenever I turn it on. She will also accept the grooveshark.com bluegrass station if we are in the kitchen. It is so funny that she already has such definite music preferences. The glimpses of personality that we are getting are just amazing.
Her schedule is making life easier on both of us. Even though bedtime is rough when she spits up and then gets upset, we still have a set routine that she seems to like. On Sunday we were at my parent's for the Super Bowl and around 7:30 rolled around and we were still there and I was just going to feed her in a bit and let her nap in her stroller. But she just cried and cried and would not be comforted. The only thing I could think of was that it was bath time and bedtime and we weren't doing that. So mom let me give her a bath there; luckily I had some PJs with us. I had to lay her down on a towel on the floor to run the bath and I just thought she'd really scream once I put her down. But as soon as I started the water she calmed down and just waited. She really does love bath time. Some days she's not so much a big fan of hair washing, but what kid is, really? During bath time we talk about what we did that day and if it's been a rough day I tell her that we are washing this day away so we can start fresh. Making bath time and bedtime so important was the best piece of advice I have gotten as a mother (much thanks Elizabeth and Emily!).
Now we really need to get this child's room done. With Jay's busy work schedule its been hard for him to finish repainting the drawers for her dresser and that is really the last big task. We bought her a new door (the old one was rubbish and it needed to open to the other side anyway) so that's done. I'm really looking forward to having her sleep in there and playing with her more in there. I just think that will really make it feel like she's home and really here when she's in her room. Her own room.
One request: Jay and I are going to finally go this week and order Aislynn a marker for her spot. It has been something that I both wanted to get done and completely dreaded. Its still not fair that I have to buy my own daughter the marker for her grave, but its what needs done so we can honor her properly. Please say a prayer or send out a happy thought and some strength for us for that task. Thank you in advance for your support. Bye!! :)
Thursday, January 24, 2013
A mommy with a plan...ha!!
This is kind of quick because the darling little beast is waking up as I type this.
I'm going to write this so I know I may be held accountable for its contents. I've not really been very good at this whole stay-at-home mom thing. It's friggin' tough!! More on that another time, but as of today this little girl of mine is going to be on a better schedule. Not that I'm going military on her but just helping her stay on track so mommy knows what's going on and can thus be a better mommy. She still wants to eat around every three hours during the day, which is fine, remember because she was a preemie her adjusted age is like 5weeks old. But at night she may go 5 hours one stretch and 4 hours the next then three hours that last "night time" stretch, not too bad even if I do wish I got to sleep for more of that.
So here goes: she needs to be up in the morning between 7 or 8 to "eat" breakfast. This means she can be up and play till her lunch at 10 or 11ish and then its down for her only real nap of the day. This needs to be over between 2 and 3 so that she can be up to play for a couple more hours before we try, stressing try to get her to take a mini nap around 4/5ish. Then it can be bath time around 730-8ish and then a bottle and bedtime. I turn the lights low to kind of signal that to her and I've been doing that since she came home.
And now here it comes, she is really waking up now and hungry! I typed this out to kind of get some feedback as to how that sounds. Yes, I know all babies are different. And yes, thank you for reassuring me that I'm her mom and know her. But still, oh moms that know, let me know if that sounds reasonable. I'm kind of basing this on what she does anyway, just hoping to keep her on track so that we can get a bedtime thing going. She doesn't really like to nap often, just that one long one in the middle of the day and around that she will dose in my arms as I to stuff around the house or just dance with her.
I'm off now to get a bottle ready and feed the wee beastie and we'll see if the above plan is something we can do or if I'll get my first real laugh out of her because Mommy's trying to plan something :)
Peace out!!
I'm going to write this so I know I may be held accountable for its contents. I've not really been very good at this whole stay-at-home mom thing. It's friggin' tough!! More on that another time, but as of today this little girl of mine is going to be on a better schedule. Not that I'm going military on her but just helping her stay on track so mommy knows what's going on and can thus be a better mommy. She still wants to eat around every three hours during the day, which is fine, remember because she was a preemie her adjusted age is like 5weeks old. But at night she may go 5 hours one stretch and 4 hours the next then three hours that last "night time" stretch, not too bad even if I do wish I got to sleep for more of that.
So here goes: she needs to be up in the morning between 7 or 8 to "eat" breakfast. This means she can be up and play till her lunch at 10 or 11ish and then its down for her only real nap of the day. This needs to be over between 2 and 3 so that she can be up to play for a couple more hours before we try, stressing try to get her to take a mini nap around 4/5ish. Then it can be bath time around 730-8ish and then a bottle and bedtime. I turn the lights low to kind of signal that to her and I've been doing that since she came home.
And now here it comes, she is really waking up now and hungry! I typed this out to kind of get some feedback as to how that sounds. Yes, I know all babies are different. And yes, thank you for reassuring me that I'm her mom and know her. But still, oh moms that know, let me know if that sounds reasonable. I'm kind of basing this on what she does anyway, just hoping to keep her on track so that we can get a bedtime thing going. She doesn't really like to nap often, just that one long one in the middle of the day and around that she will dose in my arms as I to stuff around the house or just dance with her.
I'm off now to get a bottle ready and feed the wee beastie and we'll see if the above plan is something we can do or if I'll get my first real laugh out of her because Mommy's trying to plan something :)
Peace out!!
Thursday, January 17, 2013
A bit of unloading
I feel the need to vent via keyboard this evening. Hope you don't mind being my sounding board.
Norah's acid reflux makes it so hard for her to sleep peaceful which means I don't sleep either. I do get upset sometimes that she won't even lay down for me to stretch my back or go to the bathroom but mostly I just can't handle watching her in pain and struggling to keep her food down. My heart clenches when she spits up and it comes up her nose and then its like she just can't catch her breath for a few seconds and the look on her face is like pure terror. And I feel like there's nothing I can do. She's on Zantac (1ml twice a day) and she sleeps in a bassinet thing that is at an angle. I hold her kind of upright against my chest for at least 45minutes after she finishes eating to give time for her belly to digest her milk. I hate that she has to work so hard just to keep down her food.
I had been doing some reading about comforting a crying baby. There was a couple of articles that made mention to the "fourth trimester", that babies are actually born early and need their new environment to mimic the womb for another three-ish months. So the snug feeling can be achieved by swaddling, the womb noises mimicked by white noise or low music, the motion of being in the womb mimicked by rocking and bouncing, etc. We had not been swaddling Norah because she seemed to be fighting it, trying to get her arms out. But last evening I was just at my wits end because she was crying. She doesn't really cry for no reason very often at all and not for as long as this had been. None of the usual stuff that she likes was working, dancing and music and being sang to. So after reading that article, I decided to swaddle her and hold her and try to see if she would eventually calm down. I realized that I was expecting my comforting methods to work immediately and that was silly. If I'm upset, something that will comfort me will not necessarily work in seconds so I need to give her time to just be upset and then realize that everything is alright. I swaddled her tight, held her pretty snug in my arms, gave her the paci, and rocked with her sitting on the couch, humming every so often when she would cry or struggle against the swaddle. She started to kind of calm down very shortly and after about 20 minutes or so she was dozing and calm. I kept that up last night and she slept more than she ever has. Today her acid reflux was very very bad so she would cry when laid down, but while being held she slept so well. Like more than she usually sleeps. Which got me thinking...
How long has she been needing that and I haven't been doing it? Has she needed that much sleep for a while and I've not been providing the comfort she needed to get that sleep? When she was like a month or six weeks old, I had someone keep asking if she always sleeps so much and does she ever open her eyes and I guess it got me paranoid. And then when she started really being able to hold her head up well and look around I kind of started treating her like she was a bit older. Not like riding bikes or anything but just having her up and playing with her on her new mat she got for Christmas and being up and dancing with her, tickling her belly laying with her on our bed and showing her the lights and windows and her books. Maybe I should have been spending much more time snuggling with her on the couch, just hanging out.
At that thought I realized that while she is 12weeks old (three months next Wednesday), because she was so premature, her adjusted age is only 4weeks. Four weeks old! I guess I kind of let the implications of her prematurity go in light of how good she is doing and how big she is getting. She is probably at nine and a half pounds or so and wearing mostly three month clothes because she is so long. Seeing her so big now compared to how tiny she was when we brought her home makes me forget, I guess, just how young she really is.
I feel so terrible. Like I have been pushing her and not giving her what she needs just because I want to forget that I couldn't carry my girls to term. I know that Aislynn was just Heaven-bound because for whatever reason that was God's plan so being premature didn't really affect her. There is no way of knowing if we would have gotten any more time with her or even if she would have survived being carried to term. But that and how well Norah did and how short her stay in the NICU was doesn't really alleviate my guilt over delivering early. I spent so many hours going over that last week in my mind, trying to figure out if I had missed something or if there was anything else I could have done. I am getting past that part slowly.
I am also struggling with feeling guilty about being so tired and sometimes cranky about being up with Norah so much. I know its normal but I also know that I was supposed to have two babies. I was supposed to have both my girls and how would I have coped since I can barely cope now with just Norah. This leads to the horrible feeling that Aislynn was taken because I couldn't have handled them both. I also know this is a very emotional response and hardly rational but being rational is darn near impossible on three hours sleep a night for two months.
This is one of the hard days. I'm tired, I kind of hurt, I miss my daughter and I would give anything to be able to hold her just one more time. So I probably hold Norah a little longer than I should while she sleeps, but that extra time is for Aislynn. That is to show Aislynn from her place in Heaven that I am a good mommy and that I would have held her for as long as she wanted. We would have snuggled on the couch at 2am for as long as she needed so she could sleep soundly. I have to do a good job, I have to be the best mommy for Norah because she was our gift from Aislynn. Aislynn protected her while they were in my womb and I have to honor her by being the very best for her sister.
I need to remember that no matter what I feel like, I am Norah's mother. Her only mother. She is my baby and she is Jay's baby. She has other people who love her dearly, but she belongs to us. I need to go with my gut and just react to what she wants to do and not listen to the opinions of others. I need to be strong and brave and only care about the opinions of two, Norah and God. But I need to react to all things as God would have me. I need to remember that at the end of the day I am her mom and I will take her home and that she does really need me, specifically me. And on nights that I'm so tired, I need to remember when I couldn't hold her whenever I wanted to. When she was attached to her bed via wires and tubes and it was a production to get her wrapped up and out of the incubator just for a short snuggle. It's not that I have to hold her all night long now for her to sleep, it's that I can hold her any time I want.
Norah's acid reflux makes it so hard for her to sleep peaceful which means I don't sleep either. I do get upset sometimes that she won't even lay down for me to stretch my back or go to the bathroom but mostly I just can't handle watching her in pain and struggling to keep her food down. My heart clenches when she spits up and it comes up her nose and then its like she just can't catch her breath for a few seconds and the look on her face is like pure terror. And I feel like there's nothing I can do. She's on Zantac (1ml twice a day) and she sleeps in a bassinet thing that is at an angle. I hold her kind of upright against my chest for at least 45minutes after she finishes eating to give time for her belly to digest her milk. I hate that she has to work so hard just to keep down her food.
I had been doing some reading about comforting a crying baby. There was a couple of articles that made mention to the "fourth trimester", that babies are actually born early and need their new environment to mimic the womb for another three-ish months. So the snug feeling can be achieved by swaddling, the womb noises mimicked by white noise or low music, the motion of being in the womb mimicked by rocking and bouncing, etc. We had not been swaddling Norah because she seemed to be fighting it, trying to get her arms out. But last evening I was just at my wits end because she was crying. She doesn't really cry for no reason very often at all and not for as long as this had been. None of the usual stuff that she likes was working, dancing and music and being sang to. So after reading that article, I decided to swaddle her and hold her and try to see if she would eventually calm down. I realized that I was expecting my comforting methods to work immediately and that was silly. If I'm upset, something that will comfort me will not necessarily work in seconds so I need to give her time to just be upset and then realize that everything is alright. I swaddled her tight, held her pretty snug in my arms, gave her the paci, and rocked with her sitting on the couch, humming every so often when she would cry or struggle against the swaddle. She started to kind of calm down very shortly and after about 20 minutes or so she was dozing and calm. I kept that up last night and she slept more than she ever has. Today her acid reflux was very very bad so she would cry when laid down, but while being held she slept so well. Like more than she usually sleeps. Which got me thinking...
How long has she been needing that and I haven't been doing it? Has she needed that much sleep for a while and I've not been providing the comfort she needed to get that sleep? When she was like a month or six weeks old, I had someone keep asking if she always sleeps so much and does she ever open her eyes and I guess it got me paranoid. And then when she started really being able to hold her head up well and look around I kind of started treating her like she was a bit older. Not like riding bikes or anything but just having her up and playing with her on her new mat she got for Christmas and being up and dancing with her, tickling her belly laying with her on our bed and showing her the lights and windows and her books. Maybe I should have been spending much more time snuggling with her on the couch, just hanging out.
At that thought I realized that while she is 12weeks old (three months next Wednesday), because she was so premature, her adjusted age is only 4weeks. Four weeks old! I guess I kind of let the implications of her prematurity go in light of how good she is doing and how big she is getting. She is probably at nine and a half pounds or so and wearing mostly three month clothes because she is so long. Seeing her so big now compared to how tiny she was when we brought her home makes me forget, I guess, just how young she really is.
I feel so terrible. Like I have been pushing her and not giving her what she needs just because I want to forget that I couldn't carry my girls to term. I know that Aislynn was just Heaven-bound because for whatever reason that was God's plan so being premature didn't really affect her. There is no way of knowing if we would have gotten any more time with her or even if she would have survived being carried to term. But that and how well Norah did and how short her stay in the NICU was doesn't really alleviate my guilt over delivering early. I spent so many hours going over that last week in my mind, trying to figure out if I had missed something or if there was anything else I could have done. I am getting past that part slowly.
I am also struggling with feeling guilty about being so tired and sometimes cranky about being up with Norah so much. I know its normal but I also know that I was supposed to have two babies. I was supposed to have both my girls and how would I have coped since I can barely cope now with just Norah. This leads to the horrible feeling that Aislynn was taken because I couldn't have handled them both. I also know this is a very emotional response and hardly rational but being rational is darn near impossible on three hours sleep a night for two months.
This is one of the hard days. I'm tired, I kind of hurt, I miss my daughter and I would give anything to be able to hold her just one more time. So I probably hold Norah a little longer than I should while she sleeps, but that extra time is for Aislynn. That is to show Aislynn from her place in Heaven that I am a good mommy and that I would have held her for as long as she wanted. We would have snuggled on the couch at 2am for as long as she needed so she could sleep soundly. I have to do a good job, I have to be the best mommy for Norah because she was our gift from Aislynn. Aislynn protected her while they were in my womb and I have to honor her by being the very best for her sister.
I need to remember that no matter what I feel like, I am Norah's mother. Her only mother. She is my baby and she is Jay's baby. She has other people who love her dearly, but she belongs to us. I need to go with my gut and just react to what she wants to do and not listen to the opinions of others. I need to be strong and brave and only care about the opinions of two, Norah and God. But I need to react to all things as God would have me. I need to remember that at the end of the day I am her mom and I will take her home and that she does really need me, specifically me. And on nights that I'm so tired, I need to remember when I couldn't hold her whenever I wanted to. When she was attached to her bed via wires and tubes and it was a production to get her wrapped up and out of the incubator just for a short snuggle. It's not that I have to hold her all night long now for her to sleep, it's that I can hold her any time I want.
Monday, December 31, 2012
New Year's Eve
Writing a blog with a baby in the house is impossible. That is my excuse for the dearth of posts lately. Norah is growing up so fast. At her two month check up, she weighed 8lbs 12oz and was 20 3/4 inches long. That is more than double her birth weight! It's crazy. I look at her and ask, "Where did my little baby go?" She is holding her head up so well and on the day of her two month birthday she rolled from her belly to her back. I was shocked. We were at my in laws for Christmas that day and I was just speechless and kept trying to explain to them that this was the first time, the very first time she had ever done that. Of course, I realize it was probably just that she was so mad I put her on her belly for a round of "Angry Baby" (calling it "Tummy Time" it too cutesy for me and since she gets so mad we call it "Angry Baby". Norah always wins).
I wanted to post today, the last day of 2012, just to reflect on what a crazy year it has been. Those of you will autumn born babies can relate. Jay and I started off this year with a few drinks at home, just the two of us. We were just us still, just a married couple. We are ending this year with a daughter here and a daughter in Heaven. Our girls didn't even exist last New Year's Eve. Their souls had not yet been formed by the Creator. In the span of one year, we found the most profound grief and the most brilliant joy imaginable.
I miss my daughter. It's just the truth. I miss Aislynn terribly. I ask Jesus everyday to tell her that her mommy loves her and misses her and to give her a kiss for me.
I adore Norah and being her mom. It is so daunting to realize that I'm the mom now. I'm the one who has to kiss boo-boos and shoo away monsters and rub away tummy aches and fix tears with giggles. Hopefully, I can be to her what my mom has been to me. I always knew that my mom could fix it. Even in my very difficult teenage years and into college, even when I didn't act like it, part of me still believed Mom could fix it, Mom could help. Even after I got married, if something was wrong, part of me still wanted to go home so Mom could tell me it would be okay. I call her now to blather on about Norah and being tired and it always helps, always fixes it, to hear her tell me that I'm doing fine. That she went through this same thing and my siblings and I were always fine. (Now, now. Don't be mean. My being nuts is not my mother's doing. At least, mostly not her doing.)
Jay and I have started going to the Vine Church in Carbondale. I really like it there. It is relaxed and lacks so many of those "what you do at church" things that makes me pull back from organized religion. The people there are really nice, too. I am rediscovering this side of myself. I'm going to be honest here and admit that I shied away from the church stuff because, honestly, it all sounded lame. The phrases, the "things you say cause you go to church", all made me roll my eyes. It probably stems to how much we all see of others just playing church. We all know the type. I never wanted to be that disingenuous person. So now I'm striving not to. I'm striving to let go of my preconceived notions and just be. I know this is going to get a lot of reactions from readers of this blog and all of them will be positive and meant to be uplifting, but please, just let it be what it is. Like I said I'm still struggling with the gut reaction to hide this stuff because I don't like to talk about it. Sharing it is a big step, right? So please don't shock my system by flooding me with encouragement. I know that's totally screwed up that I want the encouragement toned down, but I'm a little messed up. We really like going to church there though. There have only been a scant handful of times that I can say I felt "moved" and that seems to happen regularly there.
Of course the events of the past year have changed me. Probably made me more open to God than ever before. I have been praised for my faith in God through what Jay and I have been through, but to be honest, I probably didn't deserve the praise. My reaching out to God and having faith was a little reactionary. What else could we do? What other reaction could we have had to this horror that we faced in losing our precious baby girl than to turn to the Creator of the cosmos and believe that He would care for her? If I couldn't believe that Aislynn was healthy and happy and playing in Heaven and our goodbye was just goodbye for now, I would not have survived this. I don't know why He had to have Aislynn so soon, why she had to take the "short path". But it is not mine to know why. It is not mine to know His plan. It is mine to obey and believe and have faith. I will have joy that my baby girl got to worship at the feet of the King this Christmas. I will have peace and pride that she has seen the face of her God. She has touched the hem of Jesus's robe, she has laughed in his arms, she has heard and sang with the angels.
I miss her but the God I worship knows that too. So He can play and laugh with her there, and cry with me here. He knows she is happy because He has seen her but He also knows that we miss her so much here. My God shed tears for my pain with me while reminding me to be joyful because with faith, I will see her again. The dichotomy of the God we worship is awe-inspiring. We worship the creator of everything. The all mighty, great, I Am. The King. The God who can snap his fingers and make galaxies. He sits on The Throne. But you know what, He also sits on my couch with me at night when I hold Norah and cry because her smile looks like Aislynn's would have looked like. He also stands with me when I'm so tired at night because Norah's acid reflux makes it hard for her to sleep so we have to walk to calm her down. When we need to be reminded of His awesome power to feel safe, then He is the all mighty King, ruler of all, Lord of Lords, Great I Am. When we need the tender comfort of the Savior, He is the one holding our hand or carrying us in His arms, whispering words of comfort and peace. This amazing dual role that God plays for us is something that I have only understood since going to this church. I underestimated the role of church in faith.
So that's what's in my head as this year ends. I will celebrate the New Year with a glad heart. It might not be at midnight because, God willing, my child will sleep a bit more tonight, but I will celebrate it certainly not long after midnight. Happy New Year everyone.
I wanted to post today, the last day of 2012, just to reflect on what a crazy year it has been. Those of you will autumn born babies can relate. Jay and I started off this year with a few drinks at home, just the two of us. We were just us still, just a married couple. We are ending this year with a daughter here and a daughter in Heaven. Our girls didn't even exist last New Year's Eve. Their souls had not yet been formed by the Creator. In the span of one year, we found the most profound grief and the most brilliant joy imaginable.
I miss my daughter. It's just the truth. I miss Aislynn terribly. I ask Jesus everyday to tell her that her mommy loves her and misses her and to give her a kiss for me.
I adore Norah and being her mom. It is so daunting to realize that I'm the mom now. I'm the one who has to kiss boo-boos and shoo away monsters and rub away tummy aches and fix tears with giggles. Hopefully, I can be to her what my mom has been to me. I always knew that my mom could fix it. Even in my very difficult teenage years and into college, even when I didn't act like it, part of me still believed Mom could fix it, Mom could help. Even after I got married, if something was wrong, part of me still wanted to go home so Mom could tell me it would be okay. I call her now to blather on about Norah and being tired and it always helps, always fixes it, to hear her tell me that I'm doing fine. That she went through this same thing and my siblings and I were always fine. (Now, now. Don't be mean. My being nuts is not my mother's doing. At least, mostly not her doing.)
Jay and I have started going to the Vine Church in Carbondale. I really like it there. It is relaxed and lacks so many of those "what you do at church" things that makes me pull back from organized religion. The people there are really nice, too. I am rediscovering this side of myself. I'm going to be honest here and admit that I shied away from the church stuff because, honestly, it all sounded lame. The phrases, the "things you say cause you go to church", all made me roll my eyes. It probably stems to how much we all see of others just playing church. We all know the type. I never wanted to be that disingenuous person. So now I'm striving not to. I'm striving to let go of my preconceived notions and just be. I know this is going to get a lot of reactions from readers of this blog and all of them will be positive and meant to be uplifting, but please, just let it be what it is. Like I said I'm still struggling with the gut reaction to hide this stuff because I don't like to talk about it. Sharing it is a big step, right? So please don't shock my system by flooding me with encouragement. I know that's totally screwed up that I want the encouragement toned down, but I'm a little messed up. We really like going to church there though. There have only been a scant handful of times that I can say I felt "moved" and that seems to happen regularly there.
Of course the events of the past year have changed me. Probably made me more open to God than ever before. I have been praised for my faith in God through what Jay and I have been through, but to be honest, I probably didn't deserve the praise. My reaching out to God and having faith was a little reactionary. What else could we do? What other reaction could we have had to this horror that we faced in losing our precious baby girl than to turn to the Creator of the cosmos and believe that He would care for her? If I couldn't believe that Aislynn was healthy and happy and playing in Heaven and our goodbye was just goodbye for now, I would not have survived this. I don't know why He had to have Aislynn so soon, why she had to take the "short path". But it is not mine to know why. It is not mine to know His plan. It is mine to obey and believe and have faith. I will have joy that my baby girl got to worship at the feet of the King this Christmas. I will have peace and pride that she has seen the face of her God. She has touched the hem of Jesus's robe, she has laughed in his arms, she has heard and sang with the angels.
I miss her but the God I worship knows that too. So He can play and laugh with her there, and cry with me here. He knows she is happy because He has seen her but He also knows that we miss her so much here. My God shed tears for my pain with me while reminding me to be joyful because with faith, I will see her again. The dichotomy of the God we worship is awe-inspiring. We worship the creator of everything. The all mighty, great, I Am. The King. The God who can snap his fingers and make galaxies. He sits on The Throne. But you know what, He also sits on my couch with me at night when I hold Norah and cry because her smile looks like Aislynn's would have looked like. He also stands with me when I'm so tired at night because Norah's acid reflux makes it hard for her to sleep so we have to walk to calm her down. When we need to be reminded of His awesome power to feel safe, then He is the all mighty King, ruler of all, Lord of Lords, Great I Am. When we need the tender comfort of the Savior, He is the one holding our hand or carrying us in His arms, whispering words of comfort and peace. This amazing dual role that God plays for us is something that I have only understood since going to this church. I underestimated the role of church in faith.
So that's what's in my head as this year ends. I will celebrate the New Year with a glad heart. It might not be at midnight because, God willing, my child will sleep a bit more tonight, but I will celebrate it certainly not long after midnight. Happy New Year everyone.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Home
Life since the birth of our girls has been kind of wild. And I know, I know you all are nodding and saying, "Well, yeah," but it has been a crazy ride that neither of us expected.
As you all know, Norah was in the NICU after she was born. But not for as long as anyone thought. They told us that most preemie babies go home just before their actual due date. Our girls were born at 32 weeks gestation. We told the NICU nurses that we were hoping to have her home around Thanksgiving and they told us that was a very reasonable goal, not rushing her or expecting too much. This child was home in exactly two weeks. Two weeks! Crazy. We knew she was doing very well but everyone, even the NICU nurses and her doctor, was surprised how well she did so quickly. Most preemie babies have a hard time with the Baby Hat Trick which is to suck (to eat), swallow and breathe at the same time. Norah did not. Not ever. Her first time with a bottle she took like a third of her feeding, which according to the nurses, is insanely good. In just days she was taking every other feeding by bottle (versus her feeding tube) and then every feeding. I will admit, I got a little teary when we bottle fed her for the first time. Not just because it was exciting, which it was. It was because she was growing up. I know most normal babies eat their food without a feeding tube but my baby didn't and when she did, it was her getting bigger and growing.
We brought her home exactly two weeks after they were born. And, I gotta be honest, we were not ready. Not like the whole "you're never really ready" thing but like really not ready. Her room wasn't ready. We didn't have any clothes or diapers for her. The only baby stuff we had was what we got for the baby shower just days before they were born. So while the news was good, our reaction didn't really show that. We had to look like deer in headlights. But what are ya gonna do? You make a trip to Wal-Mart and buy what you think you have to have and find out later just what you needed. As it turns out, we didn't do too badly on that.
About breastfeeding....I tried. When she was born and since she was in the NICU, a lactation nurse brought me a breast pump and I pumped. And it worked. Worked well, in fact. I was able to pump so much that she didn't need any formula in the hospital. I pumped in the hospital and took it to the NICU and I pumped at home and at first we took it to the hospital when we went to see her but eventually they told me they had plenty and then what I pumped at home went in the deep freeze. A couple days before we brought her home they let me try to nurse her and she did really well. I struggled but she seemed to know exactly what she was doing. After she was home I started to integrate nursing into our feeding schedule but since she was still so little I was supposed to nurse and then offer her her "expressed" breast milk and then record how much she takes in addition to nursing. This is kind of an exhausting schedule and I just didn't feel like I could really regulate how much she was getting. I needed to know that she was eating enough and trying to breast feed her just stressed me out. In case anyone doesn't know, I'm a bit busty (yes, understatement) and I was having a rough time with this experience. So I decided I would just pump and then bottle feed her.
And then my milk volume started to decline. We still had quite a bit in the freezer so I thought I had time to try to work on that. But there was no fixing it and eventually I had to start giving her some formula along with the breast milk. I thought that would work. But the amount I was pumping went down so fast that she was getting mostly formula. The act of pumping and getting no milk was starting to be damaging to me emotionally. It was like having the failure shoved in my face every three hours. This failure that I couldn't provide for my child. And that along with every thing else we were facing was too much. I took my mom's advice from what she went through and finally just had to move on. I had to accept that pumping just wasn't for us this time and move on. Formula may not be "so natural" and "liquid gold" and "made best for baby" but it still makes healthy kids. My siblings and I all had formula after Mom breast fed us as long as she could and I think we turned out just fine.
She does have acid reflux which is so hard to watch her deal with but I know it's common. I hate to see her have to work so hard to keep her food down. She is so tough and does such a good job, but I still hate that she has to be tough. I hate that she spits up and that sometimes it comes out her nose. I hate that she looks so uncomfortable sometimes and coughs and gags and grunts cause her belly is upset. I think that it may be extra tough for us because of Aislynn. Not to be a downer, but we saw her die. We held her little body. We know what it is to hold our child after she was gone. And that kind makes like aftershocks when Norah is not completely fine.
Grief is odd. I thought I had worked through more of the grief in preparing to lose her. There really is no preparing for that. Yes, we knew so we were over the shock part of losing her but the rest of it, nope. And yes, having Norah is amazing and it is so, so wonderful that she is so healthy but I miss Aislynn just as much as I rejoice that Norah is so healthy. I miss my baby. Mourning Aislynn will take time and my love for Norah may soften some of the edges of the grief but that absolutely does not mean that I will "get over it" faster.
There is a quote from an unlikely source that fits exactly how I feel: "The way I see it life is a pile of good things and a pile of bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things, but vice-versa, the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant."
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