So now for Part 2 of the day our girls were born. Warning: this is gonna be a very long one because I can't break it up as easy as the first bit. And it carries the same Gross Disclaimer as Part 1.
Monday went by kind of strangely after the crazy, terror-filled early morning. They had me on the magnesium sulfate (known hereafter as "mag" as the nurses called it) which made my face burn like I had an insanely high fever. Which, of course, I did not have because they were also fast pumping me full of antibiotics and checking my temp rather often. I explained to Jay that with the membranes around our girls broken, my womb becomes like the perfect breeding ground for anything and everything. I think he may have already knew that but let me tell him. The mag made me feel strange. I got a cool new bracelet to add to my collection of hospital bracelets that was bright yellow and said "Fall Risk". I may have asked someone at some point who told them I was clumsy and that person smiled gently and said the mag can make people fall down because it is a muscle relaxant. Ahhh, I said, that explains why I feel like I can't move, too, huh? Yes, this kind nurse said.
After the sun came up and things were more quiet, my parents came back from taking my brother home (he was at the hospital because it had looked at first like the babies were coming right then) and Jay and his mom went to run some errands since we could have babies at any time and would have babies in less than 48hours. Jay had seemed so calm, making sure I was okay with him leaving. There was so much to get done that we thought we'd have more time for. He packed some clothes and took a shower at the house while his mom emptied our dishwasher. Yes, folks, my mother-in-law saw my messy, messy house and did some cleaning while she was there. Thankfully she must have pretended she never saw anything amiss because I didn't hear anything about it. He went to Wal-Mart for some other supplies that for some reason I decided I had to have, like house slippers and a robe and a nursing bra. He also picked up our little recorders for our girls, more on those later. My parents sat with me while Jay was gone. My mom was her normal self and handled me having contractions during our conversation very well. You see, the contractions never really completely stopped. They diminished greatly and were not too frequent or regular but they were still there. I would just need a moment to breathe and be quiet and then the conversation could keep going. I can't completely remember exactly what we talked about but it was delightfully normal mixed in with my fears of not being ready for this, not being ready to say good-bye to our Aislynn.
I only had two monitors on by that point, too. There was a monitor for the contractions and another for Norah's heartbeat. It was so hard to keep a monitor on Aislynn and there was not way of knowing if her heartbeat became abnormal if that meant something was wrong or if it was just her. So she didn't have a monitor. They spot checked her heartbeat when they did my vitals (or anytime I asked, really). I did understand that from a medical standpoint, Norah was the focus. Did that make it any easier to feel like my daughter Aislynn was being overlooked? No, of course not. And I probably would have protested if we had any other doctor than our Dr. Meyer. I knew he knew how we felt about Aislynn and I knew he didn't view her as anything other than our beautiful daughter and that is how I could accept the lack of monitor. I trusted him, we both did.
My parents left after a bit, with lots of reassurance from me that it was fine they had stuff to do. My mom said she had to go clean. She cleans a few houses along with her bus route and I thought that's what she was going to go do. But it seems that the conversation we had about how our house wasn't ready and my kitchen was a mess and the laundry needed done was only forgotten by me and that is what she left to do. I was alone for a bit and I tried to sleep, I really did. But it was bright in there and Norah kept moving away from her monitor which stressed me out trying to keep it over her little heartbeat and its a hospital with noise and stress and who can really blame me for not falling asleep. Then my nurse Patty came in and said they were moving me to another room in ante-partum (I was still in labor and delivery at that point). I can't remember if I asked for my phone to text Jay or if I didn't think of that. I do remember the nurses moving me asking me to hold the slack in my IVs as they moved me and I am glad I did. It is lucky that tubing is so stretchy. I was stressed out in the new room because I wanted to lay on my side to see the door so I would see when Jay came back but it was so hard to get Norah on the monitor on that side. But then Jay was back and it was okay.
The afternoon passed. I don't remember if it felt quick or slow. From my stand point now, it was too, too fast. I did keep having contractions but they were still not too terribly bad or regular. Jay and his mom, Karen, were in there and I guess we talked. I don't really remember. I remember trying to keep the washcloth on my face cool because my face was hell-fire burning from the mag. And I remember Nurse Patty's awesome idea to get a hospital pail filled with ice and several washcloths and keep changing them out of the ice bath. That was wonderful. I may have dozed a bit but it was so, so hard to calm down to sleep while being so afraid. I spent so much time that afternoon just praying that God would let our girls wait a bit longer. Just a bit longer so the steroids could work on Norah's lungs and begging him to postpone the time that we would have to say goodbye to our Aislynn. The girls didn't move around much since they had no fluid to move in that afternoon. I had some guilt about that too; my poor babies stuck in their drained home. Eventually, after some last minute Amazon.com baby shopping for which I am ever grateful for, my mother-in-law, Karen, went home. And Jay and I were left to just wait. I don't know what he did that evening. I know my contractions were getting stronger. I remember the nurses changing shifts and us getting our night nurse Margie. Margie looked kind of tough and no nonsense which scared me a bit. Turns out she was tough and no nonsense but that is exactly the perfect kind of nurse we needed that night. She was also incredibly kind and calming and knew exactly what to do always.
The contractions eventually got so, so painful. Like above what I could stand. Margie would feel my belly during them and assured me that they didn't feel like they were too strong for the girls, it was just the fact that they were in my back that made them so painful. She told me a few tips for breathing that really helped. I may have sounded silly "sighing them away" like she told me but it worked and I handled them for a few more hours. Eventually pain and despair started to overwhelm me and I just was so tired. Dr. Meyer had said that morning that the decision to give me pain meds needed to be monitored because if the contractions were causing me that much pain, something may be happening. Margie checked me and just kind of said okay with a little calm smile and left. It got dark sometime around this time and Jay turned on the TV to watch wrestling like he does every Monday. I was vaguely irritated by this as I was having his babies and he was watching is progr'm but he said he spent the evening staring at me and freaking out that I was in so much pain. Margie came in after a bit with a wonderful syringe of morphine. And that did work, for a bit at least. It made me relax and super woozy. I vaguely, vaguely remember laying on my side kind of floating and feeling the contractions but it was like they were both not quite as bad and I just couldn't work up enough energy to care about them. Eventually the pain relief of the morphine started to wear away but not the woozy bit. Then I was feeling the full contractions but not able to express how bad they hurt again. Jay and Margie would talk every now and again and I do remember her asking him how often I was moaning in my sleep but I don't remember his answer. Jay just told me as I was writing that she came in at about 11:50pm or so and checked me again and said she was going to call Dr. Meyer just to check in with him. He believes that was her wonderful, perfect nurse was of saying "Holy crap, time is up" but she didn't express any of that to us. She popped in one more time to say Dr. Meyer was back on call (he is unavailable on Monday nights) and he was going to go ahead and come in to check on me. I don't remember her saying he was coming, I just remember her saying I was back under his care.
[Oh, the babies recorder things. I was going to talk about those and this a good time. A wonderful woman a friend connected me with has been through this same thing with her twin girls and watching one of them go to Heaven. She and her husband recorded each girls' heartbeat on a little recorder thing and the put it inside a stuffed animal. This seemed so perfect to be able to show Norah someday that her sister was real and this is what her heart sounded like. So sometime during the evening, Margie helped Jay record both of our daughters' heartbeats on their own recorders. Norah's was easier to get than Aislynn's because we were getting Aislynn's from a hand held Doppler thing and not the big monitor. Margie was patient and understood how important this was to us and stuck with it until we got a good strong recording of our brave girl's strong heart to have always. Okay, now back to the story.]
Suddenly, there was activity and the room lights were turned on and there were people. Dr. Meyer was standing by the sink and Margie was in there and he was saying that I had dilated more. The decision he had reached with the doctors at Barnes was that if I progressed at all, it was time to deliver. And it was time. He said there was a woman in the OR then and that it would be about 45minutes. Jay started calling our parents to tell them to hightail it to the hospital. Meyer called Dr. Crews to assist him and was in and out of the room getting everything arranged for us. I did keep having really painful contractions around being prepped for surgery (my first ever surgery, let me mention). Anesthesiologist came in, different from that morning, (Dr. Sing, my memory provides for some unknown reason) and had me lift my head and open my mouth and then proceeded to scare me to death saying that if the spinal didn't take, he would have to put me completely out and what he would use to do that. I panicked about that. Being put completely out would mean that I could potentially miss Aislynn's whole life. I would be unconscious while Aislynn was here and not have the chance to tell her how much her mother loves her and how proud of her I am. And because I'm me, I blamed it on my weight; I know that being so heavy can make the spinal block not work. I fretted about that while a nurse gave me yet another hospital bracelet (this one a just in case for any blood I may need to be given during surgery) and made me drink something so horrible tasting to prevent me from throwing up too badly during surgery. My IVs were changed and I was pumped full of fluids. Dr. Meyer came back in and, because he is a wonderful doctor, asked how I was feeling about everything. After his understanding nod at my telling him that I was so scared because I wasn't ready to say goodbye, I told him about my fears regarding the spinal block not working. His reply is one I don't think I could forget. I didn't tell him I was worried about it because of my size, I just said I was worried but he knew why I was worried. He said, "Destiny, I know you think you are very big but women heavier than you have babies here and have no problem with the spinal block." There is some paraphrasing there, but I know he said that heavier women that me have spinal blocks. This meant something to me, not only for what he said but for the matter of fact way he said it, kind of like I was being ridiculous for focusing on that.
My inner monologue kicked in one unforgettable moment while Margie was shaving what needed to be done for surgery and I was having contractions at the same time. I kind of thought she should take note of that and maybe leave my pubic hair alone while I was being ripped in half. Of course, now I see that with each progressing contraction she needed to hurry and not wait, but I wasn't terribly rational at that point. There was a moment where Jay stepped into the bathroom to change into the scrubs that they had had ready for him since that morning. He came out and the scrubs were way too big for him and he made some wonderfully, typical Jay comments about the hospital only having small and three-X for scrub sizes and telling a nurse that he had lost one of the shoe booties. This was what I needed to distract me. Then I had another contraction that was super bad and super long and I felt something move. Like something move down inside me. I told every nurse around me and was getting very panicked and the Margie was right in front of me leaning over me and told me that now with every contraction I need to concentrate on not pushing. I may have kind of angrily told her that I wasn't pushing and it was just happening and she said calmly back that then when I had one I needed to look up as far as I could and pant. Surprisingly to me, this did help with that pressure feeling that had come back. Probably shouldn't have surprised me since Margie is a super-nurse but I was distressed at the time. When Dr. Meyer came back to the room (in scrubs which scared me a bit and made it sink in a little more that I was having surgery in minutes) I told him about feeling, well, Aislynn actually, move down. He calmly nodded and said that we shouldn't check and just kind of let her alone and just keep moving. Inner monologue said this was insane and don't we have to know, but I know now that there was nothing that could have been done for it so he was perfectly right. There were more people in and out and I had more contractions that were more frightening than ever and Dr. Meyer left one more time.
Then my bed was being moved and Jay was walking behind me and suddenly we were in another room that was super bright and Jay was stopping at the door and I had to look terrified. Dr. Meyer was sitting down waiting wearing a surgical cap thing and mask hanging from his neck and gave me a kind of small smile. I know my eyes were the size of dinner plates and I was close to hyperventilating. My bed was raised and a nurse who I don't remember except that she had a nice voice told me that I was going to scoot myself over to the other bed and I could take my time. It was so hard to move with the mag and laying in bed all day and having contractions but I got over there. It was a tiny, skinny bed with some padding, which surprised me once it sunk in that I was on an operating table. They had me sit up, which I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to do. In fact, I asked Dr. Meyer while still in my hospital room what would happen if she came down so far that I wouldn't be able to sit up for the spinal block procedure and I think he just told me that we'd see what would happen. I was able to sit up and a nice nurse, maybe the same one from before, stood in front of me. Most everyone of you probably know how she had me lean forward on her holding a pillow. I felt like I was going to fall and she did such a good job making me believe that she had me and I would not fall. The needle for the numbing did hurt a bit but not as bad as they had warned me it would. The most memorable thing about the spinal block was that just as they were starting to inject the meds, I had a sharp, painish, coldish feeling in my hip. I was so distracted by the fact that the contraction I had been having was fading away that I forgot to mention my hip to them. Instantly my toes started to tingle and they had me lay back. Then I just waited. This part seemed to last a while and my mind kind of wandered. I thought about how wild it was that the lights look like the OR lights on TV. I marveled at the feeling of ascending paralysis setting in to my legs. I looked around for Jay and probably asked where he was. Someone extended arms on the surgical table and I panicked that they were going to strap me down. But they didn't and for that I am/was so thankful. A nurse laid my arms where they wanted them and told me to keep them there. I had commented to Dr. Meyer at my last appointment that one of my biggest fears about the c-section was being strapped to the table like a mental patient even if I knew why they did it. He laughed then but it occurs to me now that his intervention may have been why I wasn't strapped down.
Then Jay was beside me, finally, and I teared up a bit because I knew this was really, really it. They started poking my belly and asking me if I felt it and then they started. It was only minutes before Dr. Meyer said with a happy voice, "Happy Birthday!" and Aislynn Marie Heininger was born at 2:05am, October 23rd, 2012. Jay looked up just in time to see her being lifted from me. He said there was nothing more beautiful. But I guess there was equal beauty two minutes later when Dr. Meyer said again with his happy voice, "Happy Birthday!" and Norah Hazel Heininger was born at 2:07am, October 23rd, 2012. Jay got to see both of their births. They were both taken by nurses over to warming beds and Jay went over to see his new daughters. I remember looking over at them, just barely seeing their feet around the swarm of nurses. I said to a nice nurse (Donna, my memory miraculously supplies, who was the anesthesia nurse) that I didn't know how to react and I didn't think I was reacting right. She said I was fine and I could react however I wanted to. I was surprised that I didn't cry but I really was feeling too much to emote much of anything. I saw them using the bag valve mask on Aislynn but my strong girl only needed a few breaths before breathing on her own so her daddy could hold her and introduce her to mommy.
Aislynn and her time here deserves her own post so that is what I am going to do. Stay tuned for that.
But during our time with Aislynn, I was in pain. Like lots of pain. There was some small pain with all the pressure when the girls were born but while he finished surgery and put me back together, I hurt. It hurt so much more than I was ready for. Dr. Meyer said later that he was aware I was in lots of pain just because of the contracting of my abdominal muscles and intestine but he didn't really know why. The nurse Donna during surgery said that anything more they gave me for the pain could make me woozy and not remember everything and I couldn't risk that. Then surgery was over and I was lifted via sheet back to my hospital bed and wheeled into recovery.
There is obviously so, so much more to this story but that is it for my bit of it. This is the story of what I have been referring to as "that Monday". That Monday that I went into preterm labor and spent one last day pregnant with both of my girls. That Monday we looked forward to and dreaded and celebrated and feared. And we made it. We may have not felt ready but we made it anyways.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Woah, this is really happening Part 1
So finally, I am getting to post the first part of the story of the birth of my beautiful baby girls. In our last episode, I was just over 30weeks pregnant and feeling surreal about it. On Oct. 20th (and 32 weeks pregnant) some wonderful people gathered for my baby shower. I will admit to feeling apprehensive about that day. But it was really good, just a normal, regular baby shower with cute baby things and laughter. We talked about both girls, Aislynn and Norah, but then there was no awkwardness or sadness at opening baby gifts for just Norah. Aislynn was definitely present and celebrated and Norah was just as celebrated, just in a different way. So thank you to those of you who were able to make it and thank you to those of you who were thinking of us. It was so good to just feel like a normal, expectant mommy for that day.
Okay, now on to Monday morning. (Grossness disclaimer: I can't find a way to tell this story without the gory details so I'm going to tell them all. I think I need to tell the whole thing just for my own sake. So if you are squeamish you may want to find someone to read the post and then tell it to you while leaving out the bits that make you barf. Thank you.) 4am saw me in the bathroom trying to decide if there was a problem or if I had just peed a little. I woke Jay and we decided I would just call the doctor when their office opened. At 5am I woke up to feeling some kind of strange pressure-ish sensation and feeling a small puddle where I was laying. I got up slowly and went to the bathroom. It is kind of embarrassing but I kind of thought maybe I just had to poop. That was probably a bit of denial. After a few minutes of trying to sit on the toilet without feeling like my innards were going to fall out, I panicked a bit and called for Jay. And my voice had enough terror in it to wake him instantly. After some discussion, I reached down to feel what that strange sensation was and I felt something there. Like something that shouldn't have been there for at least 6 more weeks. We decided that we just had to get to the hospital. I dressed, even brushed my teeth, and off we went. Just a bit into the drive my lower back started to hurt in pulsing waves of agony. Even then I couldn't call them contractions without feeling a little silly or like I was just overreacting. I couldn't sit still and they were happening one after the other. There was never a longer ride to Carbondale in the history of the universe.
We pull up to the ER and Jay got a nurse to get me inside. (At this point I must tell you that while my conscious brain was fully focused on the terror of having all this happen at only 32weeks and on how much this all hurt, I had this kind of running sub-conscious internal monologue that I will express here in italics.) We stopped at the registration desk with me in a wheelchair and the lovely white-haired nurse trying to keep me calm. Seriously, I have to check in? I am obviously in some distress people! They finally get that done and the nurse was happy that it was some man named Michael who would be coming from OB to get me because he would hurry. Why do you employ people to transport in labor pregnant women to OB who would not hurry? I do not remember the ride to OB. I have no idea how we got there, we could have apparated like in Harry Potter and I would not know. I do remember getting to the room and the wonderfully nice nurses having me stand up and put a gown on. I actually asked if I needed to take my bra off, I guess I was still hoping this would stop and I could go home. I do remember just dropping my pants and my slippers and kind of scooting them under the bed a bit. This was a thought later that I just stripped naked in front of the pretty and skinny nurse like it was no big deal. I guess this tells me how scared I really was. There was a flurry of activity and Jay asked if I wanted him to call my mom, I did and I even told him to call his mom, too. Nurses were everywhere. I heard someone ask if Dr. Meyer (my wonderful doc) was still here of if he went home. Someone may have taken my blood pressure and drawn some blood and I distinctly remember a nurse (the same one I stripped for, actually) apologizing for blowing the IV she was trying to start. I may have remarked that the IV sticks were distracting me from the fast coming and super painful back contractions I was having. There was another pair of nurses wrapping me in elastic bands to attach monitors to my belly, three of them. Then there was a grey haired man with a grey beard in green scrubs and a mask hanging from his neck standing beside me asking me if I was allergic to anything and asking me to open my mouth and lift my head. The nice nurse trying to start my IV was still blowing veins so he kind of volunteered to start one. I use "volunteered" loosely; he was kind of gruff and kind of started ordering them to get him the stuff he needed to start the IV in my left forearm. Sometime around this point I may have realized that he was from anesthesia and this was getting very real. I did look around for Jay periodically and could usually see him standing somewhere near the back of the room with his arms crossed or sometimes one hand over him mouth looking very serious and a bit freaked out. Suddenly Dr. Meyer was standing at the foot of my bed also looking serious and talking to nurses about dilation and contractions and monitors. A nurse spoke with him and he checked to see if I was dilated. He said four, maybe. The maybe bit threw me but I was mostly focused on how bad being checked hurt! That hurt almost as bad as the contractions! He moved away at one point to speak to another man in scrubs with very long grey hair in a ponytail and then I needed to throw up. I had been a little nauseous from the terror and pain but this was beyond the point of no return and I was going to throw up. The nurses didn't seem as worried about it as I was at I kept trying to tell them I didn't want to throw up. They told me if I had to just do it and handed me one of those nifty round throw up bags. At the first gag, I felt this strange sensation "down there" and some pressure and then a huge rush of warm fluid. With each consecutive gag, I flooded the bed; hearing it splattering on the floor and seeing the nurses jump back was pretty embarrassing, I must say. It occurred to me at that point that my water had broke. A nurse yelled that they had meconium and thus started the frantic scramble to mop up so that no one fell and try to let me sit on some dry sheets and bed pads.
Then the pains stopped. No more contractions. Things seemed to slow down. Ultrasound got there and started to try to check to see which baby's bag had broken or both. Both was the answer. The tech took a picture of each baby for me. Some time around there I realized that my clothes were still under the bed and now soaked with amniotic fluid. Dr. Meyer came back in and remarked on how different the scene was now. 20 minutes ago I looked ready to deliver and now not so much. He decided to pump me full of antibiotics because of my water breaking, he reassured us that the girls would be fine with just what little fluid was left, and gave me a shot of steroids to boost their lung development. He also started me on magnesium sulfate to stop my contractions or at least slow them down. Dr. Meyer said best case scenario I would make it till Wednesday because the steroids work do their best work in the first 48 hours. But he was very honest with us and said he doubted very much I would still be pregnant on Wednesday. He went ahead and booked an OR for a Wednesday c-section (c-section because Aislynn was still baby A and head down and it was best for both girls to be born that way). He told me to rest as best I could and that the nurses would call him the moment he was needed. He said he had talked to both Dr. Bishop, another OB-Gyn in his practice (and the grey long-haired ponytail man) and the doctors at Barnes and everyone agreed that what he was planning was best for all of us.
And so the waiting started on what was both a very long Monday and the shortest day of my life. I would like to say that the nurses at Carbondale Memorial in the Labor and Delivery side of OB did a wonderful job taking care of us. They were efficient and moved extremely fast to get things done to make sure we were safe while not making us panic and keeping me calm. They helped me deal with the pain of each contraction when they were bad. They kept me smiling between them to make me relax. They were kind and wonderful and the best examples of L&D nurses in the whole world. Part 2 with the rest of that wild day to follow. :)
Okay, now on to Monday morning. (Grossness disclaimer: I can't find a way to tell this story without the gory details so I'm going to tell them all. I think I need to tell the whole thing just for my own sake. So if you are squeamish you may want to find someone to read the post and then tell it to you while leaving out the bits that make you barf. Thank you.) 4am saw me in the bathroom trying to decide if there was a problem or if I had just peed a little. I woke Jay and we decided I would just call the doctor when their office opened. At 5am I woke up to feeling some kind of strange pressure-ish sensation and feeling a small puddle where I was laying. I got up slowly and went to the bathroom. It is kind of embarrassing but I kind of thought maybe I just had to poop. That was probably a bit of denial. After a few minutes of trying to sit on the toilet without feeling like my innards were going to fall out, I panicked a bit and called for Jay. And my voice had enough terror in it to wake him instantly. After some discussion, I reached down to feel what that strange sensation was and I felt something there. Like something that shouldn't have been there for at least 6 more weeks. We decided that we just had to get to the hospital. I dressed, even brushed my teeth, and off we went. Just a bit into the drive my lower back started to hurt in pulsing waves of agony. Even then I couldn't call them contractions without feeling a little silly or like I was just overreacting. I couldn't sit still and they were happening one after the other. There was never a longer ride to Carbondale in the history of the universe.
We pull up to the ER and Jay got a nurse to get me inside. (At this point I must tell you that while my conscious brain was fully focused on the terror of having all this happen at only 32weeks and on how much this all hurt, I had this kind of running sub-conscious internal monologue that I will express here in italics.) We stopped at the registration desk with me in a wheelchair and the lovely white-haired nurse trying to keep me calm. Seriously, I have to check in? I am obviously in some distress people! They finally get that done and the nurse was happy that it was some man named Michael who would be coming from OB to get me because he would hurry. Why do you employ people to transport in labor pregnant women to OB who would not hurry? I do not remember the ride to OB. I have no idea how we got there, we could have apparated like in Harry Potter and I would not know. I do remember getting to the room and the wonderfully nice nurses having me stand up and put a gown on. I actually asked if I needed to take my bra off, I guess I was still hoping this would stop and I could go home. I do remember just dropping my pants and my slippers and kind of scooting them under the bed a bit. This was a thought later that I just stripped naked in front of the pretty and skinny nurse like it was no big deal. I guess this tells me how scared I really was. There was a flurry of activity and Jay asked if I wanted him to call my mom, I did and I even told him to call his mom, too. Nurses were everywhere. I heard someone ask if Dr. Meyer (my wonderful doc) was still here of if he went home. Someone may have taken my blood pressure and drawn some blood and I distinctly remember a nurse (the same one I stripped for, actually) apologizing for blowing the IV she was trying to start. I may have remarked that the IV sticks were distracting me from the fast coming and super painful back contractions I was having. There was another pair of nurses wrapping me in elastic bands to attach monitors to my belly, three of them. Then there was a grey haired man with a grey beard in green scrubs and a mask hanging from his neck standing beside me asking me if I was allergic to anything and asking me to open my mouth and lift my head. The nice nurse trying to start my IV was still blowing veins so he kind of volunteered to start one. I use "volunteered" loosely; he was kind of gruff and kind of started ordering them to get him the stuff he needed to start the IV in my left forearm. Sometime around this point I may have realized that he was from anesthesia and this was getting very real. I did look around for Jay periodically and could usually see him standing somewhere near the back of the room with his arms crossed or sometimes one hand over him mouth looking very serious and a bit freaked out. Suddenly Dr. Meyer was standing at the foot of my bed also looking serious and talking to nurses about dilation and contractions and monitors. A nurse spoke with him and he checked to see if I was dilated. He said four, maybe. The maybe bit threw me but I was mostly focused on how bad being checked hurt! That hurt almost as bad as the contractions! He moved away at one point to speak to another man in scrubs with very long grey hair in a ponytail and then I needed to throw up. I had been a little nauseous from the terror and pain but this was beyond the point of no return and I was going to throw up. The nurses didn't seem as worried about it as I was at I kept trying to tell them I didn't want to throw up. They told me if I had to just do it and handed me one of those nifty round throw up bags. At the first gag, I felt this strange sensation "down there" and some pressure and then a huge rush of warm fluid. With each consecutive gag, I flooded the bed; hearing it splattering on the floor and seeing the nurses jump back was pretty embarrassing, I must say. It occurred to me at that point that my water had broke. A nurse yelled that they had meconium and thus started the frantic scramble to mop up so that no one fell and try to let me sit on some dry sheets and bed pads.
Then the pains stopped. No more contractions. Things seemed to slow down. Ultrasound got there and started to try to check to see which baby's bag had broken or both. Both was the answer. The tech took a picture of each baby for me. Some time around there I realized that my clothes were still under the bed and now soaked with amniotic fluid. Dr. Meyer came back in and remarked on how different the scene was now. 20 minutes ago I looked ready to deliver and now not so much. He decided to pump me full of antibiotics because of my water breaking, he reassured us that the girls would be fine with just what little fluid was left, and gave me a shot of steroids to boost their lung development. He also started me on magnesium sulfate to stop my contractions or at least slow them down. Dr. Meyer said best case scenario I would make it till Wednesday because the steroids work do their best work in the first 48 hours. But he was very honest with us and said he doubted very much I would still be pregnant on Wednesday. He went ahead and booked an OR for a Wednesday c-section (c-section because Aislynn was still baby A and head down and it was best for both girls to be born that way). He told me to rest as best I could and that the nurses would call him the moment he was needed. He said he had talked to both Dr. Bishop, another OB-Gyn in his practice (and the grey long-haired ponytail man) and the doctors at Barnes and everyone agreed that what he was planning was best for all of us.
And so the waiting started on what was both a very long Monday and the shortest day of my life. I would like to say that the nurses at Carbondale Memorial in the Labor and Delivery side of OB did a wonderful job taking care of us. They were efficient and moved extremely fast to get things done to make sure we were safe while not making us panic and keeping me calm. They helped me deal with the pain of each contraction when they were bad. They kept me smiling between them to make me relax. They were kind and wonderful and the best examples of L&D nurses in the whole world. Part 2 with the rest of that wild day to follow. :)
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Surreal
30weeks and 4days. That's how pregnant I am as of this morning. Crazy. Really crazy. When I was a child, I was fascinated with the idea of pregnancy and as a young(er) adult I wondered like crazy about what I would look like and feel, but mostly how being pregnant would feel.
The answer? Surreal. I look down at my ever expanding (by the second it seems) belly and get this kind of out of body, "holy crap this is really for real" feeling. Watching Jay work so hard to refinish the dressers we are going to use and then fill with actual baby clothes for an actual baby, a spawn of Jay and Destiny is kind of surreal. Of course, in our case, real life intrudes with the thought of how I need to call and make sure we have arrangements in place for when Aislynn's mission on Earth is finished and God takes her Home. And that sucks. But I think we have thus far been successful in our goal of keeping the pregnancy joyful. In fact, I know we have.
Every so often Jay will press his ear to my belly just to see what he can hear. Usually it is a kind of whooshing noise, he says, like listening to some one move under water. But on Sunday night our Aislynn was pressed just so against the outside of my belly and Jay got to hear her little heartbeat. Norah was too far away but Aislynn was showing off to her Daddy.
Jay cracks up laughing at me when I pout when I hit my belly with a door because I thought I had enough clearance to close it. And it is pretty funny. Watching me heave myself off the couch is pretty darn funny, too. I bump into things and bounce off of them because I thought I had just that one more step to take. And this is too funny. Norah is our Baby B so she usually is the one up high under my ribs. When I try to fold my hands and rest them on top of my belly or rest my cup there (cause I can), Norah kicks it. She kicks what ever is pressing on the top of her "house". And she does it so consistently that it can't just be a coincidence. She is gonna be trouble, I just know it. And I can't wait.
That brings me to my next battle I'm facing. I am getting a tad uncomfy. My hips are protesting this whole expanding thing but most of all it is how my belly just aches because I'm growing so very fast. I get out of bed earlier than I want on the weekend because it hurts too bad to lay down any more. And by the time I get home during the week even finally getting to lay down takes a bit to feel better as my super sore, achy belly tries to relax in a better position. This of course brings up the standard "I'm ready to not be pregnant anymore" feeling. But in our case it is so, so much more complicated. Every time I have that passing thought of how much longer I have, I am wracked with guilt over wishing away the time our Aislynn has here. If I could be pregnant forever to keep her here with us, I probably would take that option. While she is inside me, she is safer and I can help her. But once she is born, it's like an hourglass gets turned over and her time with us here becomes so limited. I know Norah will get to stay with us, but I am going to miss Aislynn so much. So I'm struggling with those feelings right now as my belly expands and I learn how to cope with my achy pregnant body.
But we are still managing this and even though it is getting harder as the weeks to our girls' birth get shorter, we are determined to feel just as much joy as we do sorrow. Jay keeps threatening to buy some ping pong balls to toss at me just to see if they'll stay in orbit around my girth. Just thought that was a nice visual for you on this Tuesday morning. :)
The answer? Surreal. I look down at my ever expanding (by the second it seems) belly and get this kind of out of body, "holy crap this is really for real" feeling. Watching Jay work so hard to refinish the dressers we are going to use and then fill with actual baby clothes for an actual baby, a spawn of Jay and Destiny is kind of surreal. Of course, in our case, real life intrudes with the thought of how I need to call and make sure we have arrangements in place for when Aislynn's mission on Earth is finished and God takes her Home. And that sucks. But I think we have thus far been successful in our goal of keeping the pregnancy joyful. In fact, I know we have.
Every so often Jay will press his ear to my belly just to see what he can hear. Usually it is a kind of whooshing noise, he says, like listening to some one move under water. But on Sunday night our Aislynn was pressed just so against the outside of my belly and Jay got to hear her little heartbeat. Norah was too far away but Aislynn was showing off to her Daddy.
Jay cracks up laughing at me when I pout when I hit my belly with a door because I thought I had enough clearance to close it. And it is pretty funny. Watching me heave myself off the couch is pretty darn funny, too. I bump into things and bounce off of them because I thought I had just that one more step to take. And this is too funny. Norah is our Baby B so she usually is the one up high under my ribs. When I try to fold my hands and rest them on top of my belly or rest my cup there (cause I can), Norah kicks it. She kicks what ever is pressing on the top of her "house". And she does it so consistently that it can't just be a coincidence. She is gonna be trouble, I just know it. And I can't wait.
That brings me to my next battle I'm facing. I am getting a tad uncomfy. My hips are protesting this whole expanding thing but most of all it is how my belly just aches because I'm growing so very fast. I get out of bed earlier than I want on the weekend because it hurts too bad to lay down any more. And by the time I get home during the week even finally getting to lay down takes a bit to feel better as my super sore, achy belly tries to relax in a better position. This of course brings up the standard "I'm ready to not be pregnant anymore" feeling. But in our case it is so, so much more complicated. Every time I have that passing thought of how much longer I have, I am wracked with guilt over wishing away the time our Aislynn has here. If I could be pregnant forever to keep her here with us, I probably would take that option. While she is inside me, she is safer and I can help her. But once she is born, it's like an hourglass gets turned over and her time with us here becomes so limited. I know Norah will get to stay with us, but I am going to miss Aislynn so much. So I'm struggling with those feelings right now as my belly expands and I learn how to cope with my achy pregnant body.
But we are still managing this and even though it is getting harder as the weeks to our girls' birth get shorter, we are determined to feel just as much joy as we do sorrow. Jay keeps threatening to buy some ping pong balls to toss at me just to see if they'll stay in orbit around my girth. Just thought that was a nice visual for you on this Tuesday morning. :)
Friday, September 21, 2012
Awe
Hmmm.... so I had this thought this morning, "I should write a new blog post so I feel important!" And now that I'm sitting at a keyboard and my fingers are doing typing things, I find I don't have too much exciting to say. We did choose a color for Norah's room. It is a lovely shade of periwinkle. And I do love it. I had my freak out moments. Like when I got home from work and Jay had painted the color on the walls as a surprise to get it done and up for me. I had a freak out because I was not emotionally prepared to see the walls change colors. I know, completely mental but I'm pregnant and for now the crazy must be accepted. He even had to prove to me that it wasn't "too purple" by getting a couple of my purple shirts and holding them up to the wall to show me that if we (or she someday) wanted to hang purple stuff on the walls, it wouldn't look like just an obsession with purple.
My lovely boss at work is getting us the tree decal we wanted for the wall as a baby shower gift. She is a unique kind of hippie-ish artist, engineer-type person and is just so thrilled that I'm doing something "so out there for me" like putting a tree on a wall, that she insisted that got to be her gift. She has also been commenting on how being pregnant has introduced more color to my wardrobe and walls and wouldn't believe me when I told her the clothes are because they don't make preggo clothes in drab.
As we get Norah's room ready, there is so much joy at the idea of this little person Jay and I made getting to see the space we have created for her. But as a counter point to that joy, is the aching pain of knowing that my other daughter, our Aislynn, won't be there. The grief comes in these kind of gut-wrenching waves sometimes, kind of like standing in a storm. The wind picks up and is so hard to stand against that you just have to give into it for a bit and grieve and cry. And then the wind shifts and is almost calm and for a moment it sounds like the earth is sighing and lightening ripples through the clouds and slices through the grief with this beautiful, majestic brilliance. Those moments are when my girl kicks and moves and reminds me that she has a task here, a task given to her by her God himself, and when that task is over she must obey and go home so that she can watch over us from afar. She has given us so much joy, our Aislynn has. She and Norah have already made us stronger and more committed and better. These tiny girls have already made us parents. Aislynn reminds us its not the number of days you are given but the impact your life can have that matters and the joy you can show others. Norah helps me see that life will go on, it may not be exactly what we imagined it would be but it does keep going. We will keep going in joy and hope and laughter for Norah and for Aislynn. For Norah, to teach her that with those things you can survive anything. And for Aislynn, because, well, someday when it is my turn to go home, when I get to see her again, I want her to be proud of me.
Wow, okay then. So much for the not having much to say. I want to say thank you to those of you who read this for giving me this outlet for my words. Sometimes, like today, they are words I didn't even know I needed to release. Back to some lighter-hearted stuff, can I get a "Whoop-Whoop" for having our dishwasher installed this weekend?!?!? Awww-yea. My dad and Jay are going to put in our new dishwasher so I don't....wait that's not true.....so Jay doesn't have to do the dishes any more. (He really has been good about the dishes.)
That's all from the Heininger front for this Friday morning. Have an awesome day, people!! (And by "awesome" I mean it in it's true definition. Find something that inspires awe today. Mine was my kicking babies as the sun came up and painted the sky in orange and pink. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find awe.)
My lovely boss at work is getting us the tree decal we wanted for the wall as a baby shower gift. She is a unique kind of hippie-ish artist, engineer-type person and is just so thrilled that I'm doing something "so out there for me" like putting a tree on a wall, that she insisted that got to be her gift. She has also been commenting on how being pregnant has introduced more color to my wardrobe and walls and wouldn't believe me when I told her the clothes are because they don't make preggo clothes in drab.
As we get Norah's room ready, there is so much joy at the idea of this little person Jay and I made getting to see the space we have created for her. But as a counter point to that joy, is the aching pain of knowing that my other daughter, our Aislynn, won't be there. The grief comes in these kind of gut-wrenching waves sometimes, kind of like standing in a storm. The wind picks up and is so hard to stand against that you just have to give into it for a bit and grieve and cry. And then the wind shifts and is almost calm and for a moment it sounds like the earth is sighing and lightening ripples through the clouds and slices through the grief with this beautiful, majestic brilliance. Those moments are when my girl kicks and moves and reminds me that she has a task here, a task given to her by her God himself, and when that task is over she must obey and go home so that she can watch over us from afar. She has given us so much joy, our Aislynn has. She and Norah have already made us stronger and more committed and better. These tiny girls have already made us parents. Aislynn reminds us its not the number of days you are given but the impact your life can have that matters and the joy you can show others. Norah helps me see that life will go on, it may not be exactly what we imagined it would be but it does keep going. We will keep going in joy and hope and laughter for Norah and for Aislynn. For Norah, to teach her that with those things you can survive anything. And for Aislynn, because, well, someday when it is my turn to go home, when I get to see her again, I want her to be proud of me.
Wow, okay then. So much for the not having much to say. I want to say thank you to those of you who read this for giving me this outlet for my words. Sometimes, like today, they are words I didn't even know I needed to release. Back to some lighter-hearted stuff, can I get a "Whoop-Whoop" for having our dishwasher installed this weekend?!?!? Awww-yea. My dad and Jay are going to put in our new dishwasher so I don't....wait that's not true.....so Jay doesn't have to do the dishes any more. (He really has been good about the dishes.)
That's all from the Heininger front for this Friday morning. Have an awesome day, people!! (And by "awesome" I mean it in it's true definition. Find something that inspires awe today. Mine was my kicking babies as the sun came up and painted the sky in orange and pink. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find awe.)
Monday, September 10, 2012
Rooms, Baby Showers, and Orbits
There haven't been too many dynamic changes in the Heininger world lately, thus the lack of posts. We are trudging along on Norah's room. Well, I say we, but the balance is about 10% me, 90% Jay. We are nearly to the "finally decide what color to paint the walls, for real" stage. That, dear friends, is a frightening stage. I get so nervous choosing paint colors. Not really sure why.
My mom (with my input because I am picky and crazy and hormonal) has been planning my baby shower. The baby shower plans are a little bittersweet but not as terrible as I had envisioned. The real thing on that day may be a bit harder but I hope I can just let joy win out over sorrow that day. My fears and nervousness about it really come from the probably irrational fear that someone, somehow will forget what's happening and get us something that is for twins. That I don't know how I will handle. But I know that it would be just an honest mistake so hopefully I will have enough grace to keep going.
We also completed our first baby registry. This had its rough moments. Like looking at cribs. At first we had thought we were going to get two mini cribs so there would be enough room for them both. But now we are down to trying to decide what kind of regular crib to get. That hurts a bit, the thought of that empty space, but we take a deep breath and move on. We did decide to get a crib that only converts into a toddler bed or a day bed, not to a twin or full bed. I have this wonderful hormone-fueled, sentimental dream of having a guest room someday occupied with grandchildren sleeping in the same day bed that was their parents' crib. Fluffy, huh?
I look super pregnant all of a sudden. It was like in a single week I went from "rockin' the beer gut" to "dun' got knocked up". It's not a too terrible look for me, if I do say so myself. Jay got to feel his daughters move for the first time about a week ago and they have been trying to outdo that initial display since, I think. The joy on his face is a look I have cataloged with the moment he saw me walk down the aisle to him and the smile when I handed him the positive pregnancy test as something I will never, ever forget. My girls have even gotten strong enough to have their kicks be visible from the outside. That is super alien looking. The first time it happened I was sitting in a waiting room wearing a purple/white striped shirt I really noticed my belly move.
My back and hips can certainly tell I've gotten more pregnant. And any day now the round ligaments in my abdomen are going to send up white flags in surrender just so they get left alone. But no such luck. I'm 26 and 1/2 weeks now. With them wanting to deliver a bit early, I've got about 10ish weeks left. And in that 10ish weeks I need to go from moon-ish sized to Jupiter-sized. I'm gonna have my own orbit!! :)
Bye for now!
My mom (with my input because I am picky and crazy and hormonal) has been planning my baby shower. The baby shower plans are a little bittersweet but not as terrible as I had envisioned. The real thing on that day may be a bit harder but I hope I can just let joy win out over sorrow that day. My fears and nervousness about it really come from the probably irrational fear that someone, somehow will forget what's happening and get us something that is for twins. That I don't know how I will handle. But I know that it would be just an honest mistake so hopefully I will have enough grace to keep going.
We also completed our first baby registry. This had its rough moments. Like looking at cribs. At first we had thought we were going to get two mini cribs so there would be enough room for them both. But now we are down to trying to decide what kind of regular crib to get. That hurts a bit, the thought of that empty space, but we take a deep breath and move on. We did decide to get a crib that only converts into a toddler bed or a day bed, not to a twin or full bed. I have this wonderful hormone-fueled, sentimental dream of having a guest room someday occupied with grandchildren sleeping in the same day bed that was their parents' crib. Fluffy, huh?
I look super pregnant all of a sudden. It was like in a single week I went from "rockin' the beer gut" to "dun' got knocked up". It's not a too terrible look for me, if I do say so myself. Jay got to feel his daughters move for the first time about a week ago and they have been trying to outdo that initial display since, I think. The joy on his face is a look I have cataloged with the moment he saw me walk down the aisle to him and the smile when I handed him the positive pregnancy test as something I will never, ever forget. My girls have even gotten strong enough to have their kicks be visible from the outside. That is super alien looking. The first time it happened I was sitting in a waiting room wearing a purple/white striped shirt I really noticed my belly move.
My back and hips can certainly tell I've gotten more pregnant. And any day now the round ligaments in my abdomen are going to send up white flags in surrender just so they get left alone. But no such luck. I'm 26 and 1/2 weeks now. With them wanting to deliver a bit early, I've got about 10ish weeks left. And in that 10ish weeks I need to go from moon-ish sized to Jupiter-sized. I'm gonna have my own orbit!! :)
Bye for now!
Monday, August 13, 2012
Random update-type things
Rarely do I have: "Oh crap, my nail!" girly moments. And if I do, they only happen when particularly impressive or painful. This morning falls slightly in both categories. My pregnancy nails are apparently strong enough that when one is bent back too far it will not break or tear or do anything to preserve my finger. It will just bend and then make a lovely and vaguely sore bruise-y thing under my nail. My only regret is that I have a red shirt on today and I just don't think the purple bruise matches it well.
Its raining today! I adore the rain and lightening and thunder and storminess. It is like a balm to my soul. And its funny, it seems like the girls respond to it as well. When ever it rains, they seem slightly more active but in that pleasant sort of way that just feels neat. I realize that it's probably their response to the increase in happy serotonin hormones that the rain provokes in me, but I choose to think that they love the rain like their momma.
At about 14 or so weeks, my doctor started asking me if I had felt them move yet. I will admit, I kind of obsessed about it for a while trying to make sure that I wasn't missing them moving by mistaking it for various gastrointestinal events. I asked people what it felt like and looked it up. The most common answers were little wings like birds, butterflies in you belly, or bubbles bursting. Those are lovely, poetic answers that invoke happy rainbow mommy bonding feelings. But I have to say that feeling our daughters move inside me feels like....something moving inside me. Sorry to sound so blunt and maybe I have just been a science fiction fan for too long but it just feels like something moving. It is so unlike any other sensation I have ever experienced that it renders all other comparisons useless. It is vaguely alien perhaps, both in the sense of it being completely different and feeling like there is an alien nesting in my abdomen. At 22 weeks, I look more pregnant with each passing day and I am really looking forward to moving completely past that whole "is she pregnant or just rocking the beer gut" stage.
I do adore feeling them move. Especially first thing in the morning when I lay on my back for just a few minutes. After all night of being on one side or the other, they seem to protest this the most and I get an adorable baby head or bottom pressed against my belly button. That is another sensation altogether. I mean, messing with your belly button from the outside feels weird enough, and it feels almost the same when being messed with from the inside but with that surreal backwards feeling. It makes me giggle every time.
At our last ultrasound, they were complete wiggle worms. Aislynn moved around a bit during her pictures and measurements but then when they moved to Norah, Aislynn decided that would be a good time to show off her legs and kick her sister in the head through their membrane separating them. It was too funny. And Norah decided after being good during Aislynn's pictures, that she didn't feel like her photo opp that day and did everything she could to protest it. At one point even pressing her arm/hand up against where the US probe was pressing down on my belly. Lemme tell ya, that hurt! But we couldn't help but laugh at our contrary children.
We did get a small bit of really good news. At our Barnes appointment, the doctor warned us that Aislynn may not be able to swallow any of the amniotic fluid which could lead to increases in fluid pressure and could cause me to go into preterm labor. But our brave girl found a way. We saw her swallow and her tongue move and she even got the hiccups. She is doing everything she can to protect her sister and make sure that Norah has all the time she needs to grow and develop to be born safely. Aislynn is growing at the same rate as her sister, reassuring us that she is tough and will be our little superhero and stay with us for as long as she can.
We are doing well with our girls and our new reality. I think we are, at least. Progress on the room for Norah has slowed but not completely stopped. We are determined to get it ready and painted and a new door and ceiling fan fairly soon. The baby stuff will probably wait until after my baby shower. I am still just not ready to pick out baby stuff for one daughter when I can feel both of my precious girls. And the fear that we will not get to bring anyone home still plagues me often enough that I just can't bring myself to get baby stuff. I don't think I could handle having a bunch of baby stuff in our home and then lose them both. This is a process, this weird kind of grief/joy/heartache/celebration, and we are doing what we can to take each step each day. Jay is an amazing dad already. Not that I had any doubt of that, but to see it in action is kind of breath-taking. Its hard to describe how he does this already but I guess its just in the way he talks to them both and rubs my belly. The look on his face when I had him hurry over to feel that head/bottom pressing against my belly button is something I will never ever forget.
So that's us for now. Bye!
Its raining today! I adore the rain and lightening and thunder and storminess. It is like a balm to my soul. And its funny, it seems like the girls respond to it as well. When ever it rains, they seem slightly more active but in that pleasant sort of way that just feels neat. I realize that it's probably their response to the increase in happy serotonin hormones that the rain provokes in me, but I choose to think that they love the rain like their momma.
At about 14 or so weeks, my doctor started asking me if I had felt them move yet. I will admit, I kind of obsessed about it for a while trying to make sure that I wasn't missing them moving by mistaking it for various gastrointestinal events. I asked people what it felt like and looked it up. The most common answers were little wings like birds, butterflies in you belly, or bubbles bursting. Those are lovely, poetic answers that invoke happy rainbow mommy bonding feelings. But I have to say that feeling our daughters move inside me feels like....something moving inside me. Sorry to sound so blunt and maybe I have just been a science fiction fan for too long but it just feels like something moving. It is so unlike any other sensation I have ever experienced that it renders all other comparisons useless. It is vaguely alien perhaps, both in the sense of it being completely different and feeling like there is an alien nesting in my abdomen. At 22 weeks, I look more pregnant with each passing day and I am really looking forward to moving completely past that whole "is she pregnant or just rocking the beer gut" stage.
I do adore feeling them move. Especially first thing in the morning when I lay on my back for just a few minutes. After all night of being on one side or the other, they seem to protest this the most and I get an adorable baby head or bottom pressed against my belly button. That is another sensation altogether. I mean, messing with your belly button from the outside feels weird enough, and it feels almost the same when being messed with from the inside but with that surreal backwards feeling. It makes me giggle every time.
At our last ultrasound, they were complete wiggle worms. Aislynn moved around a bit during her pictures and measurements but then when they moved to Norah, Aislynn decided that would be a good time to show off her legs and kick her sister in the head through their membrane separating them. It was too funny. And Norah decided after being good during Aislynn's pictures, that she didn't feel like her photo opp that day and did everything she could to protest it. At one point even pressing her arm/hand up against where the US probe was pressing down on my belly. Lemme tell ya, that hurt! But we couldn't help but laugh at our contrary children.
We did get a small bit of really good news. At our Barnes appointment, the doctor warned us that Aislynn may not be able to swallow any of the amniotic fluid which could lead to increases in fluid pressure and could cause me to go into preterm labor. But our brave girl found a way. We saw her swallow and her tongue move and she even got the hiccups. She is doing everything she can to protect her sister and make sure that Norah has all the time she needs to grow and develop to be born safely. Aislynn is growing at the same rate as her sister, reassuring us that she is tough and will be our little superhero and stay with us for as long as she can.
We are doing well with our girls and our new reality. I think we are, at least. Progress on the room for Norah has slowed but not completely stopped. We are determined to get it ready and painted and a new door and ceiling fan fairly soon. The baby stuff will probably wait until after my baby shower. I am still just not ready to pick out baby stuff for one daughter when I can feel both of my precious girls. And the fear that we will not get to bring anyone home still plagues me often enough that I just can't bring myself to get baby stuff. I don't think I could handle having a bunch of baby stuff in our home and then lose them both. This is a process, this weird kind of grief/joy/heartache/celebration, and we are doing what we can to take each step each day. Jay is an amazing dad already. Not that I had any doubt of that, but to see it in action is kind of breath-taking. Its hard to describe how he does this already but I guess its just in the way he talks to them both and rubs my belly. The look on his face when I had him hurry over to feel that head/bottom pressing against my belly button is something I will never ever forget.
So that's us for now. Bye!
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Our new reality
I guess everyone has that moment where they feel like a parent. Not those moments where you realize that you are having a baby, but that moment where your heart fills with an entirely new kind of fierce love and determination and it hits you suddenly that is what being a mom or dad feels like. Jay and I have experienced this moment in one of the most painful ways anyone can.
On July 11 we had an appointment with our high-risk OB in Cape Girardeau. And he found a problem with one of our beautiful babies. One of our babies is perfectly fine, looks healthy and growing fine. Our other beautiful child has Anencephaly. This means that when the place where the spinal cord grows was closing, it didn't close properly at the top and the brain and skull were not able to develop. This means that while our beautiful baby will grow and move and live while inside me, the baby can't survive outside of the womb. We will bury one of our children soon after they are born. We will raise one child, not two. We will treasure one child here with us and treasure the memory of the other.
This is by far the most painful thing I have ever experienced. The emotion I felt when the doctor said something was wrong and told us what it was was pure horror. There is no other word for it. we ranted about it not being fair. And it's not. It's not fair to buy a crib and a casket. It's not fair to say goodbye so soon to this beautiful dream we had been having visions of. Don't mistake me, we are unbelievably thankful for our healthy baby. But that joy had a hard time competing with the idea of burying our other child.
Then we took a deep breath. And the car ride from Cape was silent for a bit. Then we started talking about telling our other child how they were protected from the very, very start by their very own superhero whom God called home when the job was done. We talked about our deep need to still enjoy being pregnant and becoming parents. We talked about our love for our children and our desire that they both know that even now. How we need our Heaven-bound baby to know beyond any shadow of a doubt that they were loved and treasured and that the little life was celebrated completely and with abandon. And we promised each other that we would do this together, not letting grief or pain separate us.
And we decided we had to embrace the joy that we felt when we first saw that positive pregnancy test. We had to start this new journey as we meant to go on: in joy and celebration. They are our children, both of them. They are our twins and we will enjoy that. We will laugh and marvel at my changing shape and not let the pain dampen our wonder. We will work to enjoy buying baby stuff even if it is for one baby. We have joked that we are only buying baby gear for one because God already has everything ready for our Heaven-bound baby. We decided that I get to enjoy my baby shower; that I don't have to be subdued for that because our children deserve to be celebrated. We are their parents and no matter what, no matter how this hurts, we will be strong enough to celebrate both of their lives and love them with a fierceness that we had not previously known was within us.
At our next doctor's visit, we went to Barnes in St. Louis because those guys have more experience with this type of thing. And there we found out that our Heaven-bound baby will most likely make it to full-term along with our other child. We will be able to deliver both babies and have our time to say goodbye to our Heaven-bound child and fill the little life with as much love as we can with the time we are given. They will be checking closely for growth of them both to make sure nothing else is happening.
We also found out that our beautiful babies are GIRLS! We have two beautiful daughters. And they have names. Our Heaven-bound baby we are naming Aislynn Marie Heininger. Aislynn means dream and Marie is my middle name. We have joked that giving Aislynn her momma's middle name will make sure God knows she is a handful right from the beginning. Our other daughter we are naming Norah Hazel Heininger. Norah means honor and Hazel is the name of a tree, but it's really something we both just really liked. So those are our girls. Aislynn and Norah. Norah will be able to be here with her mom and dad. Aislynn will be called Home when her job of protecting and caring for her sister is finished. And we will always be thankful for both of them. We will not let grief dampen our joy for both of our daughters.
We would appreciate prayers that our girls will keep growing and that Aislynn will stay strong and stay with us until her sister can safely be born. Please keep prayers and thoughts for our strength and peace close to your heart. This is our new reality. Although it is not what we imagined it would be, we will keep going and love our girls no matter what. So please help us celebrate our daughters, both of them. Please rejoice with us at each milestone I hit in the pregnancy like the flutters of movement I can feel now and how I'm really starting to look like a pregnant lady. Please talk and joke with us about how our little girl, Aislynn, is going to take Heaven by storm. And how Norah will always be able to tell people about her superhero sister who protected and sacrificed for her to keep her safe.
Thank you in advance for your love and support. You will be so needed as we go through this and as we raise our daughter with our other daughter in Heaven. I found a Proverb I have been reciting when I get overwhelmed with all the information and decisions and hurt: "As I go forward step by step, the way will be opened up unto me." Proverbs 4:12
On July 11 we had an appointment with our high-risk OB in Cape Girardeau. And he found a problem with one of our beautiful babies. One of our babies is perfectly fine, looks healthy and growing fine. Our other beautiful child has Anencephaly. This means that when the place where the spinal cord grows was closing, it didn't close properly at the top and the brain and skull were not able to develop. This means that while our beautiful baby will grow and move and live while inside me, the baby can't survive outside of the womb. We will bury one of our children soon after they are born. We will raise one child, not two. We will treasure one child here with us and treasure the memory of the other.
This is by far the most painful thing I have ever experienced. The emotion I felt when the doctor said something was wrong and told us what it was was pure horror. There is no other word for it. we ranted about it not being fair. And it's not. It's not fair to buy a crib and a casket. It's not fair to say goodbye so soon to this beautiful dream we had been having visions of. Don't mistake me, we are unbelievably thankful for our healthy baby. But that joy had a hard time competing with the idea of burying our other child.
Then we took a deep breath. And the car ride from Cape was silent for a bit. Then we started talking about telling our other child how they were protected from the very, very start by their very own superhero whom God called home when the job was done. We talked about our deep need to still enjoy being pregnant and becoming parents. We talked about our love for our children and our desire that they both know that even now. How we need our Heaven-bound baby to know beyond any shadow of a doubt that they were loved and treasured and that the little life was celebrated completely and with abandon. And we promised each other that we would do this together, not letting grief or pain separate us.
And we decided we had to embrace the joy that we felt when we first saw that positive pregnancy test. We had to start this new journey as we meant to go on: in joy and celebration. They are our children, both of them. They are our twins and we will enjoy that. We will laugh and marvel at my changing shape and not let the pain dampen our wonder. We will work to enjoy buying baby stuff even if it is for one baby. We have joked that we are only buying baby gear for one because God already has everything ready for our Heaven-bound baby. We decided that I get to enjoy my baby shower; that I don't have to be subdued for that because our children deserve to be celebrated. We are their parents and no matter what, no matter how this hurts, we will be strong enough to celebrate both of their lives and love them with a fierceness that we had not previously known was within us.
At our next doctor's visit, we went to Barnes in St. Louis because those guys have more experience with this type of thing. And there we found out that our Heaven-bound baby will most likely make it to full-term along with our other child. We will be able to deliver both babies and have our time to say goodbye to our Heaven-bound child and fill the little life with as much love as we can with the time we are given. They will be checking closely for growth of them both to make sure nothing else is happening.
We also found out that our beautiful babies are GIRLS! We have two beautiful daughters. And they have names. Our Heaven-bound baby we are naming Aislynn Marie Heininger. Aislynn means dream and Marie is my middle name. We have joked that giving Aislynn her momma's middle name will make sure God knows she is a handful right from the beginning. Our other daughter we are naming Norah Hazel Heininger. Norah means honor and Hazel is the name of a tree, but it's really something we both just really liked. So those are our girls. Aislynn and Norah. Norah will be able to be here with her mom and dad. Aislynn will be called Home when her job of protecting and caring for her sister is finished. And we will always be thankful for both of them. We will not let grief dampen our joy for both of our daughters.
We would appreciate prayers that our girls will keep growing and that Aislynn will stay strong and stay with us until her sister can safely be born. Please keep prayers and thoughts for our strength and peace close to your heart. This is our new reality. Although it is not what we imagined it would be, we will keep going and love our girls no matter what. So please help us celebrate our daughters, both of them. Please rejoice with us at each milestone I hit in the pregnancy like the flutters of movement I can feel now and how I'm really starting to look like a pregnant lady. Please talk and joke with us about how our little girl, Aislynn, is going to take Heaven by storm. And how Norah will always be able to tell people about her superhero sister who protected and sacrificed for her to keep her safe.
Thank you in advance for your love and support. You will be so needed as we go through this and as we raise our daughter with our other daughter in Heaven. I found a Proverb I have been reciting when I get overwhelmed with all the information and decisions and hurt: "As I go forward step by step, the way will be opened up unto me." Proverbs 4:12
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